I cannot bring myself to study my text book right now. The words have begun to blur together, and my comprehension of the words is lacking. I do not understand why the school schedules all the final exams within the same week. Why not spread them out over two weeks? That way students won't kill themselves studying.
I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny. I feel like I'm starting to hallucinate a bit and I'm extremely jumpy. Especially in the Strozier basement, when I work late night, such as this very night. Its creepy.
I cannot concentrate on anything at the moment. Not a bit. If I even attempt to look at my text book, I have to read the page or passage ten times before it begins to make sense to me, then I have to read it another five times in order to understand any of it.
This is ridiculous. I feel as though I'm beginning to go insane.
And I still have another two and a half years of this. That's five semesters of midterms and finals week (or as we, college students, like to call it, "hell week").
My eyes burn from being open so long, looking at a book, and my hand and fingers hurt from writing notes. My back and body are aching from sitting hunched over reading my books and my legs are sore from sitting for so long. No amount of coffee or energy drinks is helping right now. I'm so tired that the caffeine just isn't kicking it.
I have four classes to study for. Four core classes, so I have no interest in the material I am studying for, yet according the the education board we have to know this irrelevant crap for our future jobs. Even though my major is psychology.. what is knowing about Jupiter or Saturn gonna do to help a patient suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in my later field of choice?
Signed, Sleep Deprived.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
November 25, 2012
Love isn't practical. It isn't meant to be easy. It doesn't appear on command. It doesn't let you fall for whomever you'd like. It surfaces neither at the most opportune moment nor in the most convenient. It'll pair you with someone you might never have expected. It'll put you face to face with endless obstacles. But in the end, none of that will matter because it's how you overcome its obstacles that will define your love. It may not be practice, but love is ultimately the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.
I want us. I want to swim in the way you make me feel; I want it to soak my clothes until it becomes a skin, and I want that skin to soak into my bones. I want to become the way it feels in the instant you stare at me from across this crowed place. - Tyler Knott Gregson
We live in a world of disposable things, but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one of a kind and there will never be another you. You are not disposable. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I've had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that everyday won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember that it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.
I'm quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that I have... and even with my faults, I am worth loving.
Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.
I want us. I want to swim in the way you make me feel; I want it to soak my clothes until it becomes a skin, and I want that skin to soak into my bones. I want to become the way it feels in the instant you stare at me from across this crowed place. - Tyler Knott Gregson
We live in a world of disposable things, but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one of a kind and there will never be another you. You are not disposable. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I've had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that everyday won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember that it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.
I'm quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that I have... and even with my faults, I am worth loving.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Inspiration
"I wish to never be parted from you, from this day on." - Mr.Darcy (Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen)
"If you always do what's interesting to you, at least one person is pleased." - Katharine Hepburn
"The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins
So many people walk around with a meaningless life, they seem half-asleep even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives you a purpose and meaning.
Act as though what you're doing is making a difference, because it is.
"If you always do what's interesting to you, at least one person is pleased." - Katharine Hepburn
"The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins
So many people walk around with a meaningless life, they seem half-asleep even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives you a purpose and meaning.
Act as though what you're doing is making a difference, because it is.
Why Have a Blog or a Journal?
Why do people tend to have these, these means of letting their thoughts and feelings out into written form?
I know what I've said or explained or gotten out of my head may seem pointless to many, but to me, it means everything.
The words, phrases, paragraphs, pages that I have written from my own mind and those that I have quoted from others mean so much to me. This "blog" is my diary. It's my inner most thoughts and feelings about anything and everything that happens around me. If I do not get these out into writing, I tend to go insane. This is my way of escaping from the constant stresses and problems of my day. It's sweet release. It makes me feel normal, sane.
When I let these inner thoughts of my being go, it's terrifying. But, at the same time, it's refreshing. It helps me map out what's going on in my head and it makes it easier to breathe and think in a rational manner.
Ask Alex, before I started writing or "blogging" if you will, I was crazy. I was lonely all the time and I didn't know how to fix myself. I discovered the power of writing again and honestly, it saved me and my relationship.
I had another episode of loneliness on Thursday, and I realize it was because I hadn't written anything in some time and Alex pointed that out. He really saves me from myself a lot. I love him so much. He means everything to me. He and my writing are the only things that keep me sane.
The way my mind works is not rational at all. My thoughts bounce around and escape in the most random ways and sometimes not the way I mean them to or the way I want them to and this writing helps me to make sense and direction of my thoughts.
So before you go negatively criticizing someone's blog, or journal, or painting, or writing, novel, sculpture, art, remember that it's their heart and soul materialized into something tangible. Something that has inspired them and something they hope inspires others. Something they are intensely passionate about and put their life into. Think about how it would make you feel if someone criticized your passion.
I know what I've said or explained or gotten out of my head may seem pointless to many, but to me, it means everything.
The words, phrases, paragraphs, pages that I have written from my own mind and those that I have quoted from others mean so much to me. This "blog" is my diary. It's my inner most thoughts and feelings about anything and everything that happens around me. If I do not get these out into writing, I tend to go insane. This is my way of escaping from the constant stresses and problems of my day. It's sweet release. It makes me feel normal, sane.
When I let these inner thoughts of my being go, it's terrifying. But, at the same time, it's refreshing. It helps me map out what's going on in my head and it makes it easier to breathe and think in a rational manner.
Ask Alex, before I started writing or "blogging" if you will, I was crazy. I was lonely all the time and I didn't know how to fix myself. I discovered the power of writing again and honestly, it saved me and my relationship.
I had another episode of loneliness on Thursday, and I realize it was because I hadn't written anything in some time and Alex pointed that out. He really saves me from myself a lot. I love him so much. He means everything to me. He and my writing are the only things that keep me sane.
The way my mind works is not rational at all. My thoughts bounce around and escape in the most random ways and sometimes not the way I mean them to or the way I want them to and this writing helps me to make sense and direction of my thoughts.
So before you go negatively criticizing someone's blog, or journal, or painting, or writing, novel, sculpture, art, remember that it's their heart and soul materialized into something tangible. Something that has inspired them and something they hope inspires others. Something they are intensely passionate about and put their life into. Think about how it would make you feel if someone criticized your passion.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Garden of Forking Paths
Have you ever read "The Garden of Forking Paths" by Jorge Luis Borges?
I have been mind fucked by this piece of literature.
It is possible that an "infinite series of times" is growing in a "dizzying net of divergent, convergent, and parallel TIMES"? This network of times, if it exists, "embraces ALL possibilities of time". So if you are faced with a decision and it has multiple outcomes, those outcomes will occur at the same time in multiple times of our one universe.
Mind fucked right?
Do you believe that all the decisions we make, and of those decisions, the outcomes of which are happening at the exact same time.
Imagine, one decision we make can go in so many different directions and lead to other meetings and other decisions and other outcomes all happening at the same time, but in different universes.. it's insane just thinking about all the possibilities and how one decision could have changed our lives forever.
Where, "we do not exist in the majority of these times; in some you exist and not I; in others I, and not you; in others, both of us," and all the while these time universes are all happening at exactly the same moment.
So in this piece of literature I have had to read for my World Literature class, the piece states this, so that you understand where I'm coming from..
" I leave to the various futures (not to all) my garden of forking paths... Almost instantly I understood: 'The Garden of Forking Paths' was the chaotic novel; the phrase 'the various futures (not to all)' suggests to me the forking in time, not in space. A broad rereading of the work confirmed the theory. In all fictional works, each time a man is confronted with several alternatives, he chooses on and eliminates the others; in the fiction of Ts'ui Pen, he chooses - simultaneously - all of them. He creates, in this way, diverse futures, diverse times which themselves also proliferate and fork. Here, then, is the explanation of the novel's contradictions. Fang, let us say, has a secret; a stranger calls at his door; Fang resolves to kill him. Naturally, there are several possible outcomes: Fang can kill the intruder; the intruder can kill Fang, they both can escape, the both can die, and so forth. In the work of Ts'ui Pen, all possible outcomes occur; each one in the point of departure for other forkings."
Those forkings can then converge, diverge, or become parallel.
It's insane, the possibility of that really happening, it blew my mind. It is, although, in my opinion, completely capable. It's incredible what this one mad has thought of and what this one man has opened so man doors to.
But then I stop and think, you know how some people think that we have "old" souls and "new" souls? The concepts of the different "soul ages" makes so much more sense now. I believe I have met people in past universes and the reason I have met them now or why strangers seem so familiar is because I have ran into them in just one of the other occurring universes and we were meant to have met or come across each other for a reason.
Dang, all this philosophical thought has my mind whirling around in itself. I think it might be time for bed before I get a head ache or start writing all over my walls because I'm obsessing over these concepts.. maybe I am in another universe.. the possibilities are endless.
I have been mind fucked by this piece of literature.
It is possible that an "infinite series of times" is growing in a "dizzying net of divergent, convergent, and parallel TIMES"? This network of times, if it exists, "embraces ALL possibilities of time". So if you are faced with a decision and it has multiple outcomes, those outcomes will occur at the same time in multiple times of our one universe.
Mind fucked right?
Do you believe that all the decisions we make, and of those decisions, the outcomes of which are happening at the exact same time.
Imagine, one decision we make can go in so many different directions and lead to other meetings and other decisions and other outcomes all happening at the same time, but in different universes.. it's insane just thinking about all the possibilities and how one decision could have changed our lives forever.
Where, "we do not exist in the majority of these times; in some you exist and not I; in others I, and not you; in others, both of us," and all the while these time universes are all happening at exactly the same moment.
So in this piece of literature I have had to read for my World Literature class, the piece states this, so that you understand where I'm coming from..
" I leave to the various futures (not to all) my garden of forking paths... Almost instantly I understood: 'The Garden of Forking Paths' was the chaotic novel; the phrase 'the various futures (not to all)' suggests to me the forking in time, not in space. A broad rereading of the work confirmed the theory. In all fictional works, each time a man is confronted with several alternatives, he chooses on and eliminates the others; in the fiction of Ts'ui Pen, he chooses - simultaneously - all of them. He creates, in this way, diverse futures, diverse times which themselves also proliferate and fork. Here, then, is the explanation of the novel's contradictions. Fang, let us say, has a secret; a stranger calls at his door; Fang resolves to kill him. Naturally, there are several possible outcomes: Fang can kill the intruder; the intruder can kill Fang, they both can escape, the both can die, and so forth. In the work of Ts'ui Pen, all possible outcomes occur; each one in the point of departure for other forkings."
Those forkings can then converge, diverge, or become parallel.
It's insane, the possibility of that really happening, it blew my mind. It is, although, in my opinion, completely capable. It's incredible what this one mad has thought of and what this one man has opened so man doors to.
But then I stop and think, you know how some people think that we have "old" souls and "new" souls? The concepts of the different "soul ages" makes so much more sense now. I believe I have met people in past universes and the reason I have met them now or why strangers seem so familiar is because I have ran into them in just one of the other occurring universes and we were meant to have met or come across each other for a reason.
Dang, all this philosophical thought has my mind whirling around in itself. I think it might be time for bed before I get a head ache or start writing all over my walls because I'm obsessing over these concepts.. maybe I am in another universe.. the possibilities are endless.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I've decided
I've decided I have something that's worth writing about. Something, that for some reason, is screaming to get out.. I've decided that I'm going to write something inspirational. Something that will help you guys get through that tough time. I've done it, so I know you can do it.
I know this time is terrifying. Being alone is a scary thing. I don't know if it's so much the being alone, or if it's the fact that you're scared of yourself. Don't tell me you're not, because I thought that same thing.. I thought "how can someone be scared of themselves?" well it can happen. I was scared of myself..
I didn't know how to be alone with myself for a while, I hadn't been alone with myself in a long time. I wasn't comfortable listening to my own thoughts. I couldn't sit alone for longer than ten minutes and if I did, I was either listening to music or watching tv. That's not really being alone.
Being alone is being able to sit with yourself in the middle of a cafeteria in the midst of a lot of people and be okay with sitting alone. Not checking your cellphone, but actually sitting and eating your food and enjoying the aloneness.
It's going to the movies by yourself. Going out to a bar or club by yourself without any intention of meeting someone and instead dancing by yourself without anyone else, just swaying to the beat and enjoying the rhythm as it overwhelms you.
It's not hard, after the initial shock of it all. Just remember, you have to do this. You CAN do this and you will learn about yourself in the midst of all your thoughts and emotions. Feel free to cry a little or maybe a lot. Hum to yourself, talk to yourself even. Don't let the opinions of others sway the way you want to spend your time with yourself. It's perfectly fine and who cares what they think anyways, you'll probably never see them again.
Remember, it does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you. It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end, and you've still got a long way to go. That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most.
Even in this hard time, you will make it through. You have to believe in yourself, otherwise you won't.
The truth that many people don't understand, until it's too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer. because, the smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to the fear of being hurt.
So here's some advice for you, learn from your past. Mistakes, errors in judgement, flaws you failed to see. Learn from every experience. What has torn you up and what about? Don't let it happen again. Don't make the same mistake twice, don't ignore the signs. Just follow your mind and your heart, and learn from what life throws at you.
I know this time is terrifying. Being alone is a scary thing. I don't know if it's so much the being alone, or if it's the fact that you're scared of yourself. Don't tell me you're not, because I thought that same thing.. I thought "how can someone be scared of themselves?" well it can happen. I was scared of myself..
I didn't know how to be alone with myself for a while, I hadn't been alone with myself in a long time. I wasn't comfortable listening to my own thoughts. I couldn't sit alone for longer than ten minutes and if I did, I was either listening to music or watching tv. That's not really being alone.
Being alone is being able to sit with yourself in the middle of a cafeteria in the midst of a lot of people and be okay with sitting alone. Not checking your cellphone, but actually sitting and eating your food and enjoying the aloneness.
It's going to the movies by yourself. Going out to a bar or club by yourself without any intention of meeting someone and instead dancing by yourself without anyone else, just swaying to the beat and enjoying the rhythm as it overwhelms you.
It's not hard, after the initial shock of it all. Just remember, you have to do this. You CAN do this and you will learn about yourself in the midst of all your thoughts and emotions. Feel free to cry a little or maybe a lot. Hum to yourself, talk to yourself even. Don't let the opinions of others sway the way you want to spend your time with yourself. It's perfectly fine and who cares what they think anyways, you'll probably never see them again.
Remember, it does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you. It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end, and you've still got a long way to go. That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most.
Even in this hard time, you will make it through. You have to believe in yourself, otherwise you won't.
The truth that many people don't understand, until it's too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer. because, the smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to the fear of being hurt.
So here's some advice for you, learn from your past. Mistakes, errors in judgement, flaws you failed to see. Learn from every experience. What has torn you up and what about? Don't let it happen again. Don't make the same mistake twice, don't ignore the signs. Just follow your mind and your heart, and learn from what life throws at you.
Busy Life
I assume it's about time for another one of these. I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to express myself on here like I normally do.
Well, here goes..
I've been working and doing school work non stop. Last week was my birthday so I had a lot of partying to do and didn't have anytime to write. It felt horrible, like my fingers where itching to type out my thoughts but I just didn't have to time to do so. & now that I sit here, I feel as though I have nothing to write.
So, I think I'm just going to talk about my every day life and see where this conversation I'm going to have with my self takes me.
My hamster, Jack got a really huge scratch on his nose last week and for a while I just left him alone because I figured it would heal by itself. It didn't, it got really bad so I went to the pest store and spent $30 on my damn rodent on some medicine that will help him heal. Whatever, I love the little guy and it does look a lot better.
Damn, I feel like my life is so uneventful. I'm talking about my stupid hamster on my blog. This is ridiculous. My life is so boring if I think about it. I always feel as though it's so amazing and crazy and at times it is. But recently it's been nothing but studying, class, and work work work. I feel like I've been neglecting my friends and spending all the free time I have with Alex. Which I kind of have been doing. I need to stop that, I'm not that girl that's so far up her boyfriend's ass that she has no other life. I love him to death, but he's not my world. I mean, he is, but you know what I mean. I don't revolve around him. We're not married, we have separate lives, and we live in different cities. We spend so much money constantly trying to see each other and recently we've been seeing each other more than we have been apart. I love it, I do, but I don't think it's healthy for us to be doing that so much. But I love seeing him and being rapped in his arms. It sucks. I feel so conflicted about this area. I'll just leave it for now and figure it out later.
As for Carrigan, she is doing so much better and I am so proud of her. She's such a fantastic human being and I'm happy she's beginning to figure that out. I'm happy that she is becoming dependent on herself and happy with herself rather than someone else. She's strong and I'm happy that she is realizing this.
I guess I'll write more again when I actually have something worth writing.
Well, here goes..
I've been working and doing school work non stop. Last week was my birthday so I had a lot of partying to do and didn't have anytime to write. It felt horrible, like my fingers where itching to type out my thoughts but I just didn't have to time to do so. & now that I sit here, I feel as though I have nothing to write.
So, I think I'm just going to talk about my every day life and see where this conversation I'm going to have with my self takes me.
My hamster, Jack got a really huge scratch on his nose last week and for a while I just left him alone because I figured it would heal by itself. It didn't, it got really bad so I went to the pest store and spent $30 on my damn rodent on some medicine that will help him heal. Whatever, I love the little guy and it does look a lot better.
Damn, I feel like my life is so uneventful. I'm talking about my stupid hamster on my blog. This is ridiculous. My life is so boring if I think about it. I always feel as though it's so amazing and crazy and at times it is. But recently it's been nothing but studying, class, and work work work. I feel like I've been neglecting my friends and spending all the free time I have with Alex. Which I kind of have been doing. I need to stop that, I'm not that girl that's so far up her boyfriend's ass that she has no other life. I love him to death, but he's not my world. I mean, he is, but you know what I mean. I don't revolve around him. We're not married, we have separate lives, and we live in different cities. We spend so much money constantly trying to see each other and recently we've been seeing each other more than we have been apart. I love it, I do, but I don't think it's healthy for us to be doing that so much. But I love seeing him and being rapped in his arms. It sucks. I feel so conflicted about this area. I'll just leave it for now and figure it out later.
As for Carrigan, she is doing so much better and I am so proud of her. She's such a fantastic human being and I'm happy she's beginning to figure that out. I'm happy that she is becoming dependent on herself and happy with herself rather than someone else. She's strong and I'm happy that she is realizing this.
I guess I'll write more again when I actually have something worth writing.
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