When you give it all..

I admit, I fucked up. Yeah, I know and he knows. That was over 6 months ago and I've proven my loyalty to him, I've proven to him that I only want him and I've proven to him I am devoted to him and that I love him.

It still wasn't enough, I am NEVER enough for him. EVER. Another two years of my life are gone and now I have to recover from him again. For the second time.

If you've even had the wind knocked out of you, you know exactly how I feel right now. I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to puke every other five seconds. My eyes hurt because I've been pouring tears out of them for the past few hours and to top it off I'm having to put a fake smile on and act like everything is okay because I'm babysitting.

I hurt like hell. I can't think straight I can't even talk because I start crying again. Every time I look at my arm I think of him now because we have matching tattoos. I thought we were going to get married, have kids, grow old together.. guess happiness just isn't in the cards for me.

I know I'm stronger than this, any other day I would be, not today. Today, I'm broken. I hurt. And the tears start streaming down my face again. My heart aching in my chest, my breath quickening because I can't take a deep breath without sobbing. My make-up has smeared down my face and I've gotten pale. It's not hard to see that there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't talk about it though, every time I do I start to cry harder and nothing makes sense.

I've let this guy destroy me for the second time today. And he has the nerve to say this:
"All I ask is you don't hate me. For I don't hate you for the wrong you have done to me."

You're kidding me right? You just broke my heart for the second time in my life time and expect me not to hate you.. I can't promise you that right now. I'm in too much pain, but I tell you what, I will never let you do this to me again. I have been broken by you for the last time. I hope you don't expect me to come back to you, because I honestly don't think I can.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

"Ask the DUDE" Controversy

I stumbled across this Questions and Answer blog:
Ask The Dude: Real Men Like Curves

A female, obviously "curvy" left a comment on his blog or a question or whatever you want to call it.
She stated that she wasn't happy about here body and she was afraid of what others would think about her in a bikini...

Well, "The Dude" addressed it as so:
"Dear Insecure Bikini,
REAL MEN LIKE CURVES!
Hey, when bikini season starts most people are hit with a self-image s*it storm. Why do you think gym memberships seem to be on the rise every May? Everyone wants to look better naked and/or near naked, especially in environments where your body can be constantly compared to others.
One thing men really don’t find attractive: stick figures. If we can’t tell if you’re a girl or just a cross-dresser, that’s less attractive than an hourglass figure. And let me tell you something, there’s a ton of stick figures on the beach who think they look great while a lot of guys are thinking: “Eat something!” “If I picked her up, would she break?” “I can see her intestines!”
Yes, there’s such a thing as TOO SKINNY! But on the other hand, there’s a guy out there for every body type, curvy, flat, and all points in between. I’ve got my preferences and they’re different from every other guy’s.
On the sand, wear something that accentuates what you love about yourself. Where you’re especially lucky is it sounds like you’ve got friends who support and accept you for who you are, regardless of how you look. That’s a lot more than some have. While their advice about “not worrying about what others think” and “just be happy” is lovely in sentiment, let’s get realistic. Being happy’s not a switch you can flip and learning to accept who you are is a LIFELONG task. But, if you’re not happy, then make some changes!
If you’re super self-conscious then do some crunches every day when you wake up or before you go to bed and do a calorie count so that the amount you’re putting in your body is reasonable. Getting overweight has as much to do with portion size as with meal content. The good thing that can come out of all this neuroses (self and society induced) is the potential for making healthy changes to your routine.
What I always hate about this dilemma is that a lot of people are rejecting themselves. It’s an issue about shame. If you’re proud of your body, that’s going to come across in how you wear your suit, any kind of suit, including bathing and birthday suits. And if you’re not satisfied, again, make some healthy changes to get satisfied. Don’t become paralyzed by the fear and the guilt. Becoming completely inactive with the crisis will only prolong and worsen it.
I’m right there with you. A lot of guys are just as insecure about how they look in trunks, too. We’re terrified our boobs’ll be bigger than yours and our belly buttons will be leaking salt water long after we’ve dried off. I know I wish I was in better swimsuit shape.
The bottom line is: curves can be super-sexy. I mean, Christina Hendricks *Homer Simpson doughnut-face*  Sorry, back. What matters isn’t whether you think guys will like curves, but whether you’re happy with your curves. There will be a guy out there who’ll love to imagine you without your bikini on. Right now, it sounds like you’ve got to take steps to be happy with what he’s imagining.
Surf’s up,
The Dude"

Now, I am a skinny girl. I can't help that I'm skinny, I'm just naturally like this. I eat like a pig and no amount of calorie intake helps me gain weight. So, I'm stuck this way. I'm not curvy in the least, but needless to say, I'm happy with my body.

Not everyone thinks like me, or has the same confidence as me and other "skinny" women left comments about how this is offensive to skinny girls and what not.. but here's the thing..

HE WAS NOT BASHING ON SKINNY WOMEN!

He was merely stating that his preference is in "curvy" women, he likes the hour glass figure and the big boobs and big ass. He also states that " there’s a guy out there for every body type, curvy, flat, and all points in between." This being said, STOP MAKING THIS SO DRAMATIC!

He was helping this female, who is insecure about herself feel better about herself. Telling her that if she's confident and looks confident, it doesn't matter what she looks like. That making healthy decisions will help her feel better about herself as well. He wasn't saying that "skinny" is ugly or unattractive in anyway. He simply stated that he likes a little curve and it's okay to have curves. Every body type is different and as long as your healthy and look happy and are happy, nothing else matters.

You shouldn't strive to be anyone but yourself. You shouldn't strive for perfection. "Perfection" is relative to the individual. So stop worrying about what others think, worry about being healthy more than anything else.

Sincerely,
Teeny Tiny

Loving people is easy, it's the getting past your fears that isn't.

All I can think about right now is Carrigan. How I know she's having a hard time right now and there is nothing I can do about it. How she hasn't found herself and that I know she's seeking it more than anything right now and how I know I can't help her. I know she has to do this on her own.

I think and I know that no matter what I say, she won't believe me or listen to me until she figures it out herself. How do I know these things? Because I was the exact same way. I was stubborn and hard headed and I didn't learn until I messed up enough to fix myself and fix the situation. I know that no matter how many times someone tells me something about something else, that I won't listen to them until I know how it works for myself.

I wish more than anything I could tell her she is beautiful and have her believe me. She won't. Because Craig, that asshole, has told her so many times that she's not and she (being stupid I might add) believed him. I wish she could see what so many others, including myself see, that she is incredibly beautiful. That she doesn't need to lose weight because she is  fucking thin as a pole. That she is insanely gifted when it comes to gymnastics, dance, writing, academics and so much more. That she is deep, and fascinating, and that guys think she's fantastic and different and gorgeous.

I wish I could show her, that the pain gets easier, that she won't feel like this forever, that it will go away. I wish I could tell her and just have her believe that another love will come. That someone will treat her like a princess, with respect, and amazement. That he's not the only guy for her and that he's a piece of shit anyways. I wish I could tell her to forget about him and let him be and she actually do what I say.

But I know that I can't. I know that she must make her own decisions and her own judgments, and for the most part they're really good, except for when it comes to Craig. She loves him, and cares for him so much that any judgement about him is cloudy and blurred. I wish I could tell her that he's not the one for her, that if she'd open up and have a little faith in humanity that someone else will come along. Someone else will understand her and love her and want nothing but to make her happy. It takes time and you have to be willing to open up to begin with.

I wish I could actually be there for her. Like in the flesh, so she could come to me with her problems. So she could crawl in bed and let me hold her when she's upset. That I could be there to wipe her tears away when they come and that I could be there in 5 minutes if she needed me. I hate being in Georgia, so far from North Carolina when I know she needs me right now. When I know I could be her rock when she's mud right now.

I wish I could be the strong one for her when she's weak right now and I know no one understands her like me right now, and I can't even be there for her like I want to be.

I hope she knows this can't be fixed in a night or a week or a month. That it's a journey and she must continue on no matter how rough it gets. I hope she knows it's a process and eventually she'll work herself through it.

I just want to be there in her time of need and it kills me that I can't physically be there. That I can only be there in spirit and when she comes to me. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.

Craving

I'm craving something, and I just can't put my finger on what it is.

Am I craving a whole new life? New friends? New people? New diet? New job?
Am I craving change? Change my look? My perspective? My town?

I don't know what "IT" is, but I'm missing that something. Something, that I do not already have, is obviously missing from my life. I'm bored. Bored with doing nothing on a Thursday night in a college town. Bored with not being able to go out because I just don't have the money to.

I feel trapped in my apartment, in my school, in this town, in this state.
I want to escape. Go somewhere new and exciting do something different for a change. Climb new heights and soar new skies. I want to see each ocean with my own eyes and decide by myself which is the bluest. I want to climb every mountain and decide for myself which is the tallest.

I'm tired of sitting in class, not really caring about what the professor is saying and dreams and wishing of being somewhere else.

But if I do pack up, and move somewhere new.. When it too becomes boring will I want to do the same? When does this stop? It's cyclical. It doesn't. No matter what, at this point in my life I cannot be happy. But what if, where ever and whenever I decide to make a move, that the place I end up is perfect for me and everything I wanted.

For the moment, I'm scared. I'm scared that I haven't chosen the right path for me, that I'm not making the right decisions and that what I'm doing now is affecting my future in a way that is detrimental to where I want to be eventually.

Nothing is right for me. That's the case, except that one person. The ONE exception to this otherwise droll world that I have found myself in. Alex, I know that he is the one I'm supposed to be with, the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one I want to climb those mountains with and swim those seas with. I want to take my adventures with him, and with him only.

But, for now.. I'm missing that excitement that I once felt. I'm not longer excited for life. I feel like I'm stuck, drowning in what society wants me to do. Not enjoying life, just going through the motions. I wish I didn't have to live by what is acceptable by society's standards and that I could do as I damn well please. I wish I didn't feel the need to please my parents on some level, that I didn't feel the need to have a lot of money one day (although money certainly is not everything) and that I didn't feel the need to be where I am currently, to make this degree I'm working so hard for.

I don't want to spend these days that I do in school, or working. I want to spend them doing something that I love. Spend them doing something exciting and wonderful. I want to spend them in the wide open spaces of Ireland or the cramped spaces of Venice. I don't want to be cooped up in my apartment, or office, or class room. I need to be set free. But what is it that will set this caged bird free?

The Storm

I feel as though right now, I'm living in the calm before the storm.

I'm living it what seems like peace, and tranquility, yet all that is happening is a build up of wind and rain. Everything seems to be fine on the outside of the clouds, but deep within a storm is brewing.

Everything seems fine with me and Alex, but every time I call him, I hear something in his voice and when I ask, he always tells me it's nothing. I don't like the feeling of not being able to know what's going on beneath his beautiful hazel eyes and I don't like the feeling of not being able to fix something. Fix something, that I broke to begin with.

I feel terrible all the time for what I've done to him, and I'm trying, I'm trying all the time and the hardest I can to make things better. It just doesn't seem to be working, and it just seems like something horrible is building.

I already can tell that there is a storm brewing with my friends. We've already gotten a little taste of what's coming this week. That whole situation is fucked, yet I don't really know anything about what's going on because my friends have decided to leave me out. To not call me, to forget about me.

I feel like I'm alone and even though I have Alex, I still feel alone. No one wants to call me, to check up on me, to invite me to the party, to go shopping with me, etc. and I don't know what I have done to deserve this. It's just me and Doc (my bunny) and Alex (when he can be here). Normally, I'd be freaking out about being alone, I'd be going insane and craving to have some attention from someone, to wrap my arms around someone and sob because I was alone. But, I'm okay with it. Sure it gets lonely, but honestly I don't want to spend time with anyone (apart from Alex), I don't want to talk about the things my friends talk about. Tony talks about sex, Courtney will talk about Autumn or Andrew, Autumn will talk about Jonathan or what she'll be doing soon, Jonathan used to be someone I could go to, but now he is always with Autumn, Dallas is always with Danny and I wouldn't be able to talk to him anyway (that's just Dallas), and Trey has kind of disappeared. Kristine doesn't even text me anymore, she's too busy with work. I would like to spend some time with Keaton, I would like to console in him he was that person for me last year, but he's gone now. He's supposed to be coming back, but we'll see if that happens.

I feel vulnerable right now. I feel as though at any second, I could loose it. I feel like at any second I could disappear and no one would miss me. Except for Alex and possibly Carrigan.

I don't like feeling vulnerable. I'm not that person. Normally, I'm the girl that every one goes to with their problems because I can handle them. I can handle listening to them, giving my honest opinion and not think any differently about that person. I'm the person someone calls at 3AM when they need someone else. I'm the person that is a true friend and I hope I still am. But lately I've gotten word that Tony has been talking shit about me and that the only reason Courtney is hanging out with me is because Autumn is not around, not because I'm a good friend. And I don't understand it, I don't understand what I have done to deserve this treatment. I have been nothing but a friend. Someone to trust. If they needed me, I'd be there at the drop of a hat, but would they do the same for me?

I seem like this strong independent girl on the outside of this strong shell that I have built around me. But on the inside it's different. I come off like I can handle anything, but I can't. My shell is crumbling in some places and becoming soft. I haven't had anything happen to me in order for my to start repairing my shell. Maybe I should any ways, maybe I should become that person that I was my senior year. Maybe I should become hard inside and out again. Maybe I should become unmoving, uncaring, bitchy, in other words strong. Maybe I shouldn't let anyone in again, that way when they leave, it doesn't hurt. Because right now, I'm hurting.

I'm not letting anyone know I'm hurting, but I am. I don't like being left out of my circle of friends, especially when I was the one that introduced everyone. I don't like not being invited to parties or out to dinner or lunch. I don't like being blown off to go hang out with the boyfriend.

Maybe I need new friends, but where am I going to find them? How do I go about talking to son random person and becoming friends with them? This isn't freshman year, and I'm living in an apartment now, not a dorm. So how do I do this?

Maybe I need to change who I am? Take on Tony's perspective of "If you're an ass, the more they flock" but I don't want guys, I want FRIENDS true friends that I can call at 3AM when something is upsetting me and I can't sleep. Someone that will come get me if I run out of gas or blow a tire. Someone I can count on, because right now, it seems like I can't do that with any of my friends.

So, yes, I'm living in the calm before the storm... but am I the storm?