Craving

I'm craving something, and I just can't put my finger on what it is.

Am I craving a whole new life? New friends? New people? New diet? New job?
Am I craving change? Change my look? My perspective? My town?

I don't know what "IT" is, but I'm missing that something. Something, that I do not already have, is obviously missing from my life. I'm bored. Bored with doing nothing on a Thursday night in a college town. Bored with not being able to go out because I just don't have the money to.

I feel trapped in my apartment, in my school, in this town, in this state.
I want to escape. Go somewhere new and exciting do something different for a change. Climb new heights and soar new skies. I want to see each ocean with my own eyes and decide by myself which is the bluest. I want to climb every mountain and decide for myself which is the tallest.

I'm tired of sitting in class, not really caring about what the professor is saying and dreams and wishing of being somewhere else.

But if I do pack up, and move somewhere new.. When it too becomes boring will I want to do the same? When does this stop? It's cyclical. It doesn't. No matter what, at this point in my life I cannot be happy. But what if, where ever and whenever I decide to make a move, that the place I end up is perfect for me and everything I wanted.

For the moment, I'm scared. I'm scared that I haven't chosen the right path for me, that I'm not making the right decisions and that what I'm doing now is affecting my future in a way that is detrimental to where I want to be eventually.

Nothing is right for me. That's the case, except that one person. The ONE exception to this otherwise droll world that I have found myself in. Alex, I know that he is the one I'm supposed to be with, the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one I want to climb those mountains with and swim those seas with. I want to take my adventures with him, and with him only.

But, for now.. I'm missing that excitement that I once felt. I'm not longer excited for life. I feel like I'm stuck, drowning in what society wants me to do. Not enjoying life, just going through the motions. I wish I didn't have to live by what is acceptable by society's standards and that I could do as I damn well please. I wish I didn't feel the need to please my parents on some level, that I didn't feel the need to have a lot of money one day (although money certainly is not everything) and that I didn't feel the need to be where I am currently, to make this degree I'm working so hard for.

I don't want to spend these days that I do in school, or working. I want to spend them doing something that I love. Spend them doing something exciting and wonderful. I want to spend them in the wide open spaces of Ireland or the cramped spaces of Venice. I don't want to be cooped up in my apartment, or office, or class room. I need to be set free. But what is it that will set this caged bird free?