Loving people is easy, it's the getting past your fears that isn't.

All I can think about right now is Carrigan. How I know she's having a hard time right now and there is nothing I can do about it. How she hasn't found herself and that I know she's seeking it more than anything right now and how I know I can't help her. I know she has to do this on her own.

I think and I know that no matter what I say, she won't believe me or listen to me until she figures it out herself. How do I know these things? Because I was the exact same way. I was stubborn and hard headed and I didn't learn until I messed up enough to fix myself and fix the situation. I know that no matter how many times someone tells me something about something else, that I won't listen to them until I know how it works for myself.

I wish more than anything I could tell her she is beautiful and have her believe me. She won't. Because Craig, that asshole, has told her so many times that she's not and she (being stupid I might add) believed him. I wish she could see what so many others, including myself see, that she is incredibly beautiful. That she doesn't need to lose weight because she is  fucking thin as a pole. That she is insanely gifted when it comes to gymnastics, dance, writing, academics and so much more. That she is deep, and fascinating, and that guys think she's fantastic and different and gorgeous.

I wish I could show her, that the pain gets easier, that she won't feel like this forever, that it will go away. I wish I could tell her and just have her believe that another love will come. That someone will treat her like a princess, with respect, and amazement. That he's not the only guy for her and that he's a piece of shit anyways. I wish I could tell her to forget about him and let him be and she actually do what I say.

But I know that I can't. I know that she must make her own decisions and her own judgments, and for the most part they're really good, except for when it comes to Craig. She loves him, and cares for him so much that any judgement about him is cloudy and blurred. I wish I could tell her that he's not the one for her, that if she'd open up and have a little faith in humanity that someone else will come along. Someone else will understand her and love her and want nothing but to make her happy. It takes time and you have to be willing to open up to begin with.

I wish I could actually be there for her. Like in the flesh, so she could come to me with her problems. So she could crawl in bed and let me hold her when she's upset. That I could be there to wipe her tears away when they come and that I could be there in 5 minutes if she needed me. I hate being in Georgia, so far from North Carolina when I know she needs me right now. When I know I could be her rock when she's mud right now.

I wish I could be the strong one for her when she's weak right now and I know no one understands her like me right now, and I can't even be there for her like I want to be.

I hope she knows this can't be fixed in a night or a week or a month. That it's a journey and she must continue on no matter how rough it gets. I hope she knows it's a process and eventually she'll work herself through it.

I just want to be there in her time of need and it kills me that I can't physically be there. That I can only be there in spirit and when she comes to me. Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.