"If ever there comes a time when we're not together... there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh
I do not intend to tip toe through life only to arrive safely at death.
To your enemy, give forgiveness. To an opponent, give tolerance. To a friend, give your heart. To a customer give service. To all, give charity. To every child, give a good example. To yourself, give respect.
What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are.
I still believe that all you need is love.
"If a man whistles at you, do not respond. You are not a dog, you are a lady." - Adele
Don't depend on someone that brings you down. Instead, find something inside yourself that lifts you up at your weakest hour. Find that and use it to pull everyone else up too.
"If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
I think happiness comes from self-acceptance. We all try different things, and we find some comfortable sense of who we are. We look at our parents and learn and grow and move on. We change.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Perception
No matter what circumstances life throws in your direction, you have to believe that you can handle it. It’s really about our perception. There’s no such thing as a bad circumstance. All those things we perceive as bad are actually real growing experiences in life. You have to see that everything that happened to you has come into your life for a reason, and we are challenged in life because that’s what life is all about. Life’s about how we deal with those challenges.
Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. Believe in yourself always. Believe that you can do ANYTHING you want with your day, month, year, life.. It's all up to you to make something of yourself and if you see yourself going down a path that you did not expect it's no one's fault but your own. You are who you are because you made yourself that way. People can only influence you so much, but honestly you won't do anything you really don't want to do, so make something better of yourself. Something productive and positive. Don't sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by, spread your wings and fly with the rest of us.
New anthem for my being:
Shadow Days - John Mayer
Did you know that you could be wrong
And swear you're right
Some people been known to do it all their lives
But you find yourself alone just like you found yourself before
Like I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor
Hard times have helped me see
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
Well I ain't no troublemaker
And I never meant her harm
But that doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on
Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel
Hard times, let me be
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
I'm not longer in those dark times that I was in for so long and I want to help everyone that is where I have been. I want to help them realize it doesn't last forever and life gets better, in order for it so do so, you have to change your perspective.
Happy Note: Birthday - 6 days and counting!
Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. Believe in yourself always. Believe that you can do ANYTHING you want with your day, month, year, life.. It's all up to you to make something of yourself and if you see yourself going down a path that you did not expect it's no one's fault but your own. You are who you are because you made yourself that way. People can only influence you so much, but honestly you won't do anything you really don't want to do, so make something better of yourself. Something productive and positive. Don't sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by, spread your wings and fly with the rest of us.
New anthem for my being:
Shadow Days - John Mayer
Did you know that you could be wrong
And swear you're right
Some people been known to do it all their lives
But you find yourself alone just like you found yourself before
Like I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor
Hard times have helped me see
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
Well I ain't no troublemaker
And I never meant her harm
But that doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on
Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel
Hard times, let me be
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
I'm not longer in those dark times that I was in for so long and I want to help everyone that is where I have been. I want to help them realize it doesn't last forever and life gets better, in order for it so do so, you have to change your perspective.
Happy Note: Birthday - 6 days and counting!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Friendship
Am I a good friend? I like to think that I am. I like to think that every single person who has called me their friend and who I have called my friend has thought of me as a good friend.
As someone that's compassionate, and someone that cares. I like to think that I, in some way, have helped every single person that I have known closely. That I, in some way or another, have made a profound impact on each of them.
I hope that I have been the person that someone else knew they could count on. I hope that my closest friends can trust me with their secrets and can come to me if they are ever in need.
And all I can think about is Carrigan. I hope she's doing okay. I know she's going through a rough time right now. Leaving Craig behind is not going to be an easy task. She loves him, with everything that she has to give and even more than that. There is no limit to her love for him, but all the same I know she needs to let go of him, if only just for a short time.
He needs time and space to grow and change and to understand himself and to know himself and to find himself (honestly, she needs to do the same). Right now, he's lost. She knows it just as well as I do. There is no way that he could ever come to love her the way she loves him if he does not first love himself. I know he's a bit conceded, but that is because he knows he's smart. It's not because he thinks he's talented or because he thinks he's a great person. All that matters to him at this point are his intelligence level and weed. In all honesty.
That's not healthy. At all.
All the same, I know she's given him every part of her being and I know that breaking away from him is going to be really hard. I know that it will take it's toll on her emotionally and physically. I know the strength it takes to get through it and I pray, hard, that she can handle it. That she is strong enough. & I think she is. I think she can make it through this time but all the same I know she won't be able to do it alone. That is why I CONSTANTLY hope and pray that she is letting those people at UNCW in her "bubble" in. I hope that she is learning to rely on them. I can only be there for her so much. I can't be there in 10 minutes to come hold her.. I live 6-8 hours away. I wish I could be there like that, but I know she knows that she can call me.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved Meghan as much as I’ve come to this year. She truly wants the best for me & loves me, I’m coming to realize that she’s someone I can call at three in the morning, who’s going to do her best to offer me support & advice. I fucking love her. & it’s a shame that I’ve only recently realized that.
These words describing me, coming from her own finger tips on her very own blog, have never meant so much to me. These words make me feel incredible and I only hope that my words of encouragement can make her feel the same. I hope that my words empower her to push through this time and I hope that my words inspire her to be all that she can be.
I want her to know that she can do anything and everything her heart and mind desire. I especially want her to know that she can do it by herself. That she doesn't need Craig or me for that matter. That she is magnificent and strong and beautiful. I want her to know that, yeah, this time is bad and it hurts but once she pushes through it, she can do anything, and that the time that follows will be amazing.
I have news for you. The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell. & That I know, you can do it.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gifted ability, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home, a person.
So I hope that her attitude about this hard time is positive. That she will make it through and she will prosper afterward. I hope she listens to encouraging music over depressing even though those depressing songs reach right down to your soul. To the very core of your being, to your foundation. But that the happy, encouraging songs will help push through and will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just remember, it’s not the end of the world yet. But you don’t wait until then to tell him. To tell him that you're moving on and letting him go and letting you and him grow. The worst thing isn’t the end of the world. It’s what you didn’t finish; what you didn’t say when you had the chance. And what you need to say is this:
"I'm done. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot let you torture me day in and day out. We both need space to grow, and understand ourselves. So, I'm letting go. I'm letting you go and I'm letting myself go. I will always be here for you, but all the same.. I cannot hurt anymore. I can choose, and what I choose is happiness and right now, you cannot give that to me no matter how much you want to and I cannot expect you to give it me no matter how much I want you to. So goodbye for now.. Remember I will always love you, but I have to go."
As someone that's compassionate, and someone that cares. I like to think that I, in some way, have helped every single person that I have known closely. That I, in some way or another, have made a profound impact on each of them.
I hope that I have been the person that someone else knew they could count on. I hope that my closest friends can trust me with their secrets and can come to me if they are ever in need.
And all I can think about is Carrigan. I hope she's doing okay. I know she's going through a rough time right now. Leaving Craig behind is not going to be an easy task. She loves him, with everything that she has to give and even more than that. There is no limit to her love for him, but all the same I know she needs to let go of him, if only just for a short time.
He needs time and space to grow and change and to understand himself and to know himself and to find himself (honestly, she needs to do the same). Right now, he's lost. She knows it just as well as I do. There is no way that he could ever come to love her the way she loves him if he does not first love himself. I know he's a bit conceded, but that is because he knows he's smart. It's not because he thinks he's talented or because he thinks he's a great person. All that matters to him at this point are his intelligence level and weed. In all honesty.
That's not healthy. At all.
All the same, I know she's given him every part of her being and I know that breaking away from him is going to be really hard. I know that it will take it's toll on her emotionally and physically. I know the strength it takes to get through it and I pray, hard, that she can handle it. That she is strong enough. & I think she is. I think she can make it through this time but all the same I know she won't be able to do it alone. That is why I CONSTANTLY hope and pray that she is letting those people at UNCW in her "bubble" in. I hope that she is learning to rely on them. I can only be there for her so much. I can't be there in 10 minutes to come hold her.. I live 6-8 hours away. I wish I could be there like that, but I know she knows that she can call me.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved Meghan as much as I’ve come to this year. She truly wants the best for me & loves me, I’m coming to realize that she’s someone I can call at three in the morning, who’s going to do her best to offer me support & advice. I fucking love her. & it’s a shame that I’ve only recently realized that.
These words describing me, coming from her own finger tips on her very own blog, have never meant so much to me. These words make me feel incredible and I only hope that my words of encouragement can make her feel the same. I hope that my words empower her to push through this time and I hope that my words inspire her to be all that she can be.
I want her to know that she can do anything and everything her heart and mind desire. I especially want her to know that she can do it by herself. That she doesn't need Craig or me for that matter. That she is magnificent and strong and beautiful. I want her to know that, yeah, this time is bad and it hurts but once she pushes through it, she can do anything, and that the time that follows will be amazing.
I have news for you. The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell. & That I know, you can do it.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gifted ability, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home, a person.
So I hope that her attitude about this hard time is positive. That she will make it through and she will prosper afterward. I hope she listens to encouraging music over depressing even though those depressing songs reach right down to your soul. To the very core of your being, to your foundation. But that the happy, encouraging songs will help push through and will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just remember, it’s not the end of the world yet. But you don’t wait until then to tell him. To tell him that you're moving on and letting him go and letting you and him grow. The worst thing isn’t the end of the world. It’s what you didn’t finish; what you didn’t say when you had the chance. And what you need to say is this:
"I'm done. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot let you torture me day in and day out. We both need space to grow, and understand ourselves. So, I'm letting go. I'm letting you go and I'm letting myself go. I will always be here for you, but all the same.. I cannot hurt anymore. I can choose, and what I choose is happiness and right now, you cannot give that to me no matter how much you want to and I cannot expect you to give it me no matter how much I want you to. So goodbye for now.. Remember I will always love you, but I have to go."
Apartment Bitch Fit
So my roommate.. she has to be one of the most inconsiderate, unintelligent, smoked out, irresponsible, incommunicable, disrespectful people I have ever met.
Exhibit A: Anytime something of hers goes missing, she blames one of us. Or if she uses all of something and she's too high to remember that she's used it.. she blames it on us. BITCH! We are not using your shit. We have our own shit. And if you leave a TINY bit of bleach in the bottom of the bottle.. it's a liquid, it dries up like any other liquid. We didn't use it, you did.
Exhibit B: She comes home at like 3 AM (high as shit, I might add) and proceeds to cook a full-fledged meal. Like fish and sides and bread and whatever ever else you make for a Thanksgiving meal and in the process of doing so, slams all the cabinet doors, turns the faucet on full blast, moves plates around and everything and it's loud as fuck and I CAN HEAR EVERY BIT OF IT, MY ROOM IS RIGHT THERE! Bitch, stop.
Exhibit C: Every single time she enters or exits the front door she slams the damn thing. Again, my room is right there. When you come into our apartment at 3 in the morning, there is no need to wake me up because you slammed the damn door. I'm sorry, not everyone is a fucking night owl like you.. STOP. I am not a happy person when you wake me up for no damn reason slamming the door and shit. Bitch.
Exhibit D: You call us antisocial.. well, let me tell you something. Every time we see you, you have your damn headphones in. How the hell are we supposed to communicate with you if you have those damn things in your ears, turned on full blast no doubt. We try to talk to you, and you don't respond so we tap you on the shoulder and you get a fucking attitude with us because you have to listen to us.. That is what communication is.. it is talking to someone, that person listening and then replying while the other person listens. Not to mention you never come out of your room when you're here. The only time you do it's to accuse us of using something of yours. It's not that hard and it'd be nice if you weren't so damn rude.
Exhibit E: The reason you have bugs in your room is because you keep nasty dirty dishes in there all the fucking time because your too damn lazy to get up and carry them to the kitchen and clean them. It's not that hard. You don't even have to clean them right then, you can wait til the morning but at least they're in the sink and not all over your bedroom.
To say that least, she's horrible. Everyone else in the apartment gets along great. She's like the black sheep and I'm speaking for all of us when I say, no one likes her. She's disgusting. She's rude. She's inconsiderate. Like damn, just be civil. It's not hard to be nice to people, it's actually a lot easier than being mean. Not to mention I've been dealing with this for about 4 months now. I've held it in long enough. I put a note on the refrigerator that says, "Quit slamming the front door!" and you better believe when she confronts me about it.. I'm gonna go off.
Exhibit A: Anytime something of hers goes missing, she blames one of us. Or if she uses all of something and she's too high to remember that she's used it.. she blames it on us. BITCH! We are not using your shit. We have our own shit. And if you leave a TINY bit of bleach in the bottom of the bottle.. it's a liquid, it dries up like any other liquid. We didn't use it, you did.
Exhibit B: She comes home at like 3 AM (high as shit, I might add) and proceeds to cook a full-fledged meal. Like fish and sides and bread and whatever ever else you make for a Thanksgiving meal and in the process of doing so, slams all the cabinet doors, turns the faucet on full blast, moves plates around and everything and it's loud as fuck and I CAN HEAR EVERY BIT OF IT, MY ROOM IS RIGHT THERE! Bitch, stop.
Exhibit C: Every single time she enters or exits the front door she slams the damn thing. Again, my room is right there. When you come into our apartment at 3 in the morning, there is no need to wake me up because you slammed the damn door. I'm sorry, not everyone is a fucking night owl like you.. STOP. I am not a happy person when you wake me up for no damn reason slamming the door and shit. Bitch.
Exhibit D: You call us antisocial.. well, let me tell you something. Every time we see you, you have your damn headphones in. How the hell are we supposed to communicate with you if you have those damn things in your ears, turned on full blast no doubt. We try to talk to you, and you don't respond so we tap you on the shoulder and you get a fucking attitude with us because you have to listen to us.. That is what communication is.. it is talking to someone, that person listening and then replying while the other person listens. Not to mention you never come out of your room when you're here. The only time you do it's to accuse us of using something of yours. It's not that hard and it'd be nice if you weren't so damn rude.
Exhibit E: The reason you have bugs in your room is because you keep nasty dirty dishes in there all the fucking time because your too damn lazy to get up and carry them to the kitchen and clean them. It's not that hard. You don't even have to clean them right then, you can wait til the morning but at least they're in the sink and not all over your bedroom.
To say that least, she's horrible. Everyone else in the apartment gets along great. She's like the black sheep and I'm speaking for all of us when I say, no one likes her. She's disgusting. She's rude. She's inconsiderate. Like damn, just be civil. It's not hard to be nice to people, it's actually a lot easier than being mean. Not to mention I've been dealing with this for about 4 months now. I've held it in long enough. I put a note on the refrigerator that says, "Quit slamming the front door!" and you better believe when she confronts me about it.. I'm gonna go off.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Adventures
ad-ven-ture /adˈvenCHər/
noun: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
verb: Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory: "they had adventured into the forest".
synonyms: noun. venture
noun: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
verb: Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory: "they had adventured into the forest".
synonyms: noun. venture
verb. risk - venture - hazard - jeopardize - dare - jeopard
I am obsessed with adventures. I am more than obsessed, I am passionate about them. They are what keep me going (Aside from Alex, he's my everything). For me, adventures happen every day in the most unusual ways. Going to the grocery store is an adventure for me because you never know who you'll meet or run into or what you'll discover or what will happen to you along the way.
I love and am terrified by them. I love that they hold so much potential, so much meaning without us even knowing, and so much excitement. I am terrified by the fact that each one can change you drastically.
College was an adventure, so many new faces and new experiences and friends to make. So many people that I didn't know and of whom I had the potential to know. They, like me, were going through the experience of knowing no one, and getting thrown into a town, knowing nothing about it. We, as a group of individuals, had to learn to bond with each other and become a group as a whole in order to survive college. So I made friends, friends that I know will last a lifetime no matter where we end up or how far away from each other we are.
I think my greatest adventure was Alex. This one, like my college adventure, isn't over yet. It won't ever be over. But this one, was the scariest for me and it became down right horrible for a while there, but now it's better. It was the scariest of all because he was my best friend and in becoming a couple we could have lost that forever and at one point I thought I had, but we found each other again, and we hit rough patches and we continue to, but we learn from each other and grow with each other and push through all the bad.
And for the rest of you.. Adventures are incredible. Each month, day, hour, minute, and second can become an adventure. Don't ever say no to going to the grocery store with a friend, or just going for a walk. You never know what could happen. You could find $20 or meet the love of your life. Strive on my friends, and always go with your gut (or your heart) because sometimes, they know better than your head.
and Carrigan, keep your head up darling. Push through this bad time. Make new friends and rely on yourself for a change. Don't rely on other people to make your happy or to have your back. Sometimes you have to do it yourself instead. You cannot begin to love someone else unless you love yourself first. Find yourself, and enjoy yourself before you try to do the same with others. Stay strong, persevere. You can do this. I know you can. If I can, I know you can. You will do this and you will be stronger and better for it. I love you.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Soaring
My heart is in the clouds right now. It's insane how much I love Alex and I feel like I'm such a horrible person for all the bad I have done to him.
I hope he learns to forgive me and love him like I do now. I've always loved him, and I loved him like this before and it was so long ago that I have forgotten that love I had for him. It's back and with a vengeance. I don't know why It's taken me so long to realize this and I'm kicking myself for it. I've finally let him back in and in the process I've pushed him away and now he has to learn to love like this again.
I've hurt him so much and I feel so horrible about it. I just hope. Pray. Plead. That he will love me the same again. If we could finally get on the same page.. We would be unstoppable.
He told me today about his want for a child with me and it caught me off guard, but now that I think about it, it was probably the sweetest thing anyone could ever say to another in love. He makes me melt. And I know this sounds so giddy and happy and mushy all over the place, but that's what I am. I'm a mess of happy emotions right now and it feels so amazing.
I hope, and pray that he will feel the same about me and until then, I'm not giving up on him. I never will. At this point, it's like he's my life line. He's everything to me and if I lose him I will collapse to the ground and I won't get up. I won't. Not again. I will be destroyed. To the point of no return. And I wish he could understand that I'll never hurt him again and I hope he'll learn that I'm here to stay, not straying ever. He's everything. I will never leave his side and I will do anything to keep it that way. I'll do anything for him. ANYTHING.
I hate this feeling of him having complete control over me again, but at the same time I love it. I know he won't do me wrong so I'm not scared of it. I like him having this effect on me and it will never change. Not ever again. I know who I am now and I know what I want and he is that thing. He is that person. Forever and Always.
And to follow up about Carrigan, she's taken my advice and advancing on it and I hope she continues to do so and doesn't falter. It will make her stronger and if, in the future, she and Craig get back together.. It will make them stronger together and as individuals and I hope she will learn that one day. Until then, it's a waiting game with time at the upper hand. I hope she can handle it and I know now, that she knows I will always be here for her no matter what and she can fall on me when need be. She can call me at three AM and I will answer and talk to her and I will sing or semi-scream those crazy songs with her and I will be her life line until she finds another. I'll be her back bone and her support until she finds herself and can lean on herself.
I hope he learns to forgive me and love him like I do now. I've always loved him, and I loved him like this before and it was so long ago that I have forgotten that love I had for him. It's back and with a vengeance. I don't know why It's taken me so long to realize this and I'm kicking myself for it. I've finally let him back in and in the process I've pushed him away and now he has to learn to love like this again.
I've hurt him so much and I feel so horrible about it. I just hope. Pray. Plead. That he will love me the same again. If we could finally get on the same page.. We would be unstoppable.
He told me today about his want for a child with me and it caught me off guard, but now that I think about it, it was probably the sweetest thing anyone could ever say to another in love. He makes me melt. And I know this sounds so giddy and happy and mushy all over the place, but that's what I am. I'm a mess of happy emotions right now and it feels so amazing.
I hope, and pray that he will feel the same about me and until then, I'm not giving up on him. I never will. At this point, it's like he's my life line. He's everything to me and if I lose him I will collapse to the ground and I won't get up. I won't. Not again. I will be destroyed. To the point of no return. And I wish he could understand that I'll never hurt him again and I hope he'll learn that I'm here to stay, not straying ever. He's everything. I will never leave his side and I will do anything to keep it that way. I'll do anything for him. ANYTHING.
I hate this feeling of him having complete control over me again, but at the same time I love it. I know he won't do me wrong so I'm not scared of it. I like him having this effect on me and it will never change. Not ever again. I know who I am now and I know what I want and he is that thing. He is that person. Forever and Always.
And to follow up about Carrigan, she's taken my advice and advancing on it and I hope she continues to do so and doesn't falter. It will make her stronger and if, in the future, she and Craig get back together.. It will make them stronger together and as individuals and I hope she will learn that one day. Until then, it's a waiting game with time at the upper hand. I hope she can handle it and I know now, that she knows I will always be here for her no matter what and she can fall on me when need be. She can call me at three AM and I will answer and talk to her and I will sing or semi-scream those crazy songs with her and I will be her life line until she finds another. I'll be her back bone and her support until she finds herself and can lean on herself.
Monday, October 8, 2012
For Carrigan
You know my opinion about Craig. I'll leave that for you to think about, I don't want to post anything about your relationship other than you know I'm not a fan of him and you KNOW I hate that he fucking destroyed you.
Yes, you know my history with Alex, but our history is completely different than yours. You need to know that shit went down with us, but through it all we both love each other uncontrollably and I feel like Craig does not have the same love for you as you have for him and my advice for you is to let him go. If you love him, YOU WILL LET HIM GO. You will stop texting him. Calling him. Loving him.
I know, you'll never truly stop loving him. I KNOW THIS. But if you let him go and he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't yours to begin with and if he does come back then he always was yours. You'll never know that though unless you let him go completely. The way he acts toward you, just from my experience from being around the both of you, I realize that he does not feel the same about you. I know he cares about you, but not in the same way. At all. LET HIM GO.
Move on baby girl and let him move on. If he does find the right one for him and get engaged and has rugrats.. you need to learn to not love him. You need to learn to love someone that's right for you. You need to give someone the chance to love you and you need to love someone else in return. Sure, I know it hurts. It's difficult, it is, but you need to let someone in besides him and not just me. I know you trust me to tell your secrets to but I do have an understanding ear, but I'm tired of you being so upset with yourself and your life. I want you to find someone else besides me and Craig that have understanding ears and that care for you the same as I care for you. I want you to find someone that cares for unconditionally and someone that loves you always. I want someone to tell you you're beautiful all the time and that you are worth everything and I know there is someone out there that will do exactly that but you won't ever find that person unless you open up. Let someone in.
Be outgoing, don't shut everyone out, learn to love. EVERYONE. Not just Craig. I learned that. You saw how incredibly depressed I was but I bounced back. If I can, I know you can. After everything that happened with me and Alex, I learned to love again and honestly.. It made me a better and stronger person. Read "On Becoming a Person" by Carl Rogers. Yes, it's psychology but it teaches you to not judge yourself or anyone else but to UNDERSTAND yourself and others and they way you are the way you and the way people are the way they are. You need to learn these things in order to feel better. You need to learn to love EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. But you won't do that until you find yourself.
It's not an easy task. It hurts and it's scary. Finding yourself IS FUCKING TERRIFYING. Your thoughts and emotions threaten to choke you all the time. LET THEM OUT. In a way that's not harmful to yourself. In a beautiful way that will encourage yourself and strengthen you.
I found myself by writing, it's something I'm passionate about. I know you like writing and I'm hoping it's something your passionate about. Enough so, that when you're writing your heart soars and you feel liberated.. That's how it is for me. Getting my thoughts out in this non-harmful way helps me and I want you to find something that does the same for you, if you haven't found it already.
I know you love Craig, and care for him, but until he finds himself he will never be able to give you what you want from him. So you need to leave him alone and let him do that. If he destroys himself it's not on you. Stop blaming yourself for his unhappiness, it's not your fault it's his. I'm tired of watching him hurt you without even knowing it or doing it on purpose cause he just doesn't care. And if you don't ever find yourself, you won't be able to give him or anyone else yourself entirely like you need to do again. It's hard, it hurts, it's scary, but let down your walls because the higher you build them, when you do fall, the more it will hurt. So stop building them so tall and bring them down brick by brick and let people in.
Yes, you know my history with Alex, but our history is completely different than yours. You need to know that shit went down with us, but through it all we both love each other uncontrollably and I feel like Craig does not have the same love for you as you have for him and my advice for you is to let him go. If you love him, YOU WILL LET HIM GO. You will stop texting him. Calling him. Loving him.
I know, you'll never truly stop loving him. I KNOW THIS. But if you let him go and he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't yours to begin with and if he does come back then he always was yours. You'll never know that though unless you let him go completely. The way he acts toward you, just from my experience from being around the both of you, I realize that he does not feel the same about you. I know he cares about you, but not in the same way. At all. LET HIM GO.
Move on baby girl and let him move on. If he does find the right one for him and get engaged and has rugrats.. you need to learn to not love him. You need to learn to love someone that's right for you. You need to give someone the chance to love you and you need to love someone else in return. Sure, I know it hurts. It's difficult, it is, but you need to let someone in besides him and not just me. I know you trust me to tell your secrets to but I do have an understanding ear, but I'm tired of you being so upset with yourself and your life. I want you to find someone else besides me and Craig that have understanding ears and that care for you the same as I care for you. I want you to find someone that cares for unconditionally and someone that loves you always. I want someone to tell you you're beautiful all the time and that you are worth everything and I know there is someone out there that will do exactly that but you won't ever find that person unless you open up. Let someone in.
Be outgoing, don't shut everyone out, learn to love. EVERYONE. Not just Craig. I learned that. You saw how incredibly depressed I was but I bounced back. If I can, I know you can. After everything that happened with me and Alex, I learned to love again and honestly.. It made me a better and stronger person. Read "On Becoming a Person" by Carl Rogers. Yes, it's psychology but it teaches you to not judge yourself or anyone else but to UNDERSTAND yourself and others and they way you are the way you and the way people are the way they are. You need to learn these things in order to feel better. You need to learn to love EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. But you won't do that until you find yourself.
It's not an easy task. It hurts and it's scary. Finding yourself IS FUCKING TERRIFYING. Your thoughts and emotions threaten to choke you all the time. LET THEM OUT. In a way that's not harmful to yourself. In a beautiful way that will encourage yourself and strengthen you.
I found myself by writing, it's something I'm passionate about. I know you like writing and I'm hoping it's something your passionate about. Enough so, that when you're writing your heart soars and you feel liberated.. That's how it is for me. Getting my thoughts out in this non-harmful way helps me and I want you to find something that does the same for you, if you haven't found it already.
I know you love Craig, and care for him, but until he finds himself he will never be able to give you what you want from him. So you need to leave him alone and let him do that. If he destroys himself it's not on you. Stop blaming yourself for his unhappiness, it's not your fault it's his. I'm tired of watching him hurt you without even knowing it or doing it on purpose cause he just doesn't care. And if you don't ever find yourself, you won't be able to give him or anyone else yourself entirely like you need to do again. It's hard, it hurts, it's scary, but let down your walls because the higher you build them, when you do fall, the more it will hurt. So stop building them so tall and bring them down brick by brick and let people in.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Overflowing
My thoughts are over flowing tonight for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. Not because I do not know how, but because I do not know why. I feel as though I just need to write, to express myself but I don't know what to write about. I don't have any tangible thoughts, no processes that need to be explained or thoughts that need to be heard. I just feel the need to mindlessly type out words that have no actual meaning that have nowhere to go.
Words destroy our thoughts. Something that seems so infinite is brought down to merely life size with words. Think about it. The word "love" to us that ONE word means so much, but to other cultures and languages it means only one concept and there are multiple forms of that one concept, multiple words.Such as the "love" of a mother or a "love" of an object or "love" of a friend. So why does the English language not have the same? Why is this infinite concept reduced to one puny four letter word?
My thoughts cannot escape me tonight because the right words are not coming to me. My thoughts are about everything and nothing at all at the same time. I've never had this problem when I comes to writing my feelings and emotions, I normally know exactly which word to use and where I should use it and what for. Tonight, though, that usual knowledge evades me. It seems as though I have a lot on my mind, but really as I sit here and think about it, I don't. Is the reason I can't find words to describe this, because I do not know exactly what I'm thinking about to begin with? I do not have a clear concept about what is going on in my head right now.. Is that why I can't find words to describe my thoughts, words that normally fit like pieces in this never ending puzzle that I do not know the picture of?
Swami Vivekanada says, "We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far."
So, if my thoughts are of nothing and have no clear focus, am I that? Or is it just that my thoughts have manifested themselves in action that I have taken and the path I have pursued and now I'm lost? I thought I was finding the end of this maize. No, I know I'm on the right path. I'm better than I was last year. I'm a better person. I've began to humble myself and look at things in a new light. To look at the world and people differently. To not be so shallow and to not think of myself and only myself. To care about others more and the way they feel. I've learned to control myself and my impulses. To think of things before I do something. So why is it that tonight my thoughts confuse me? Why is my mind so restless? Why does it seem like what comes next is such a mystery when recently it's been so clear? Am I at the end of the path I was trying to find? Is it time for me to start a new journey and travel down a path not taken and see where that leads me? Is it time for me to take the next step in the journey of life? But what is that next step? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Words destroy our thoughts. Something that seems so infinite is brought down to merely life size with words. Think about it. The word "love" to us that ONE word means so much, but to other cultures and languages it means only one concept and there are multiple forms of that one concept, multiple words.Such as the "love" of a mother or a "love" of an object or "love" of a friend. So why does the English language not have the same? Why is this infinite concept reduced to one puny four letter word?
My thoughts cannot escape me tonight because the right words are not coming to me. My thoughts are about everything and nothing at all at the same time. I've never had this problem when I comes to writing my feelings and emotions, I normally know exactly which word to use and where I should use it and what for. Tonight, though, that usual knowledge evades me. It seems as though I have a lot on my mind, but really as I sit here and think about it, I don't. Is the reason I can't find words to describe this, because I do not know exactly what I'm thinking about to begin with? I do not have a clear concept about what is going on in my head right now.. Is that why I can't find words to describe my thoughts, words that normally fit like pieces in this never ending puzzle that I do not know the picture of?
Swami Vivekanada says, "We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far."
So, if my thoughts are of nothing and have no clear focus, am I that? Or is it just that my thoughts have manifested themselves in action that I have taken and the path I have pursued and now I'm lost? I thought I was finding the end of this maize. No, I know I'm on the right path. I'm better than I was last year. I'm a better person. I've began to humble myself and look at things in a new light. To look at the world and people differently. To not be so shallow and to not think of myself and only myself. To care about others more and the way they feel. I've learned to control myself and my impulses. To think of things before I do something. So why is it that tonight my thoughts confuse me? Why is my mind so restless? Why does it seem like what comes next is such a mystery when recently it's been so clear? Am I at the end of the path I was trying to find? Is it time for me to start a new journey and travel down a path not taken and see where that leads me? Is it time for me to take the next step in the journey of life? But what is that next step? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
October 3, 2012
It's officially fall, the leaves are beinning to change and the air is crisp. It's been cloudy latelly and rainy but I still love the cooler weather.
I like to sit outside the Starbucks on my college campus at the University of West Georgia and I like to people watch. I like to watch body movement and body language as others ineract with each other. I like to watch how someone reacs to another or how people hold themselves when they're walking around alone.
I see people all the time looking so glum with their heads poined to he ground. Look up, look around, stop frowning, stop pouting. Enjoy the lie you live whether you're alone or not. Enjoy the presence of yourself. Learn to love yourself. I see girls by themselves all the time and the just look so miserable unil they meet their friends. Smile, you don't know the help you can give someone with a simple smile.
The girl you saw the other day that seemed really upset, I'm sure that if you had given her a simple smile it would have made her day. Or if you had stopped and given five minutes of your day to a complete stranger it could have been even better.. So stop, we're all human. We all have feelings, emotiongs, rough times, happy times, bad days and good days. Be kind to each other. Smile all he time. Love thy neighbor. Enjoy the company of others. Be joyful throughout the day. Be happy that you are alive and the people around you are alive.
And when you're down remember, think of the happiest things. It's the same as having wings. Always bring yourself up. Don' fall into the depths of dreperession. The darkness. The sadness. Stop before you go down that road. Think of the happy times of the times with friends and the times that make you smile. And then,
surround yourself by people who are only gonna lift you higher. Be with the people that make you happy. If you don't want to be with others you know, sit in a coffee shop. Enjoy the quiet whispers of the people around you and jazz music coming through he speakers. Like I am today. Like I do everyday. There is always a reason to be happy even if there are ten reasons to be sad. Focus on the positive. Life's too short to be upset all the time.
Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realise your friend wasn't ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realise all along that you've been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn't done that. You then learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have you downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You wonder if your lief is just one big movie. You look at others and wish you were them. you then realise who they are and are glad that you're you. You love life. You hate life. In the end you just find yourself happy to be living life, no matter what's thrown at you.
I like to sit outside the Starbucks on my college campus at the University of West Georgia and I like to people watch. I like to watch body movement and body language as others ineract with each other. I like to watch how someone reacs to another or how people hold themselves when they're walking around alone.
I see people all the time looking so glum with their heads poined to he ground. Look up, look around, stop frowning, stop pouting. Enjoy the lie you live whether you're alone or not. Enjoy the presence of yourself. Learn to love yourself. I see girls by themselves all the time and the just look so miserable unil they meet their friends. Smile, you don't know the help you can give someone with a simple smile.
The girl you saw the other day that seemed really upset, I'm sure that if you had given her a simple smile it would have made her day. Or if you had stopped and given five minutes of your day to a complete stranger it could have been even better.. So stop, we're all human. We all have feelings, emotiongs, rough times, happy times, bad days and good days. Be kind to each other. Smile all he time. Love thy neighbor. Enjoy the company of others. Be joyful throughout the day. Be happy that you are alive and the people around you are alive.
And when you're down remember, think of the happiest things. It's the same as having wings. Always bring yourself up. Don' fall into the depths of dreperession. The darkness. The sadness. Stop before you go down that road. Think of the happy times of the times with friends and the times that make you smile. And then,
surround yourself by people who are only gonna lift you higher. Be with the people that make you happy. If you don't want to be with others you know, sit in a coffee shop. Enjoy the quiet whispers of the people around you and jazz music coming through he speakers. Like I am today. Like I do everyday. There is always a reason to be happy even if there are ten reasons to be sad. Focus on the positive. Life's too short to be upset all the time.
Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realise your friend wasn't ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realise all along that you've been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn't done that. You then learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have you downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You wonder if your lief is just one big movie. You look at others and wish you were them. you then realise who they are and are glad that you're you. You love life. You hate life. In the end you just find yourself happy to be living life, no matter what's thrown at you.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Everyone
Every single person in this world is struggling. You're not the only one. EVER.
You are not the only one having to stay up late studying because you have three tests tomorrow and five papers due next week. You're not the only one having two work four jobs because you're so far in debt you can't breathe. You're not the only one who is alone tonight. You're not the only one who feels, even if you're in a large group of people, you're still alone.
But think of it this way too, no matter how bad you got it, I'm sure someone out there probably has it worse. Think about third world countries.. They can't even bathe or eat on the regular. Some are dying of starvation, others of dehydration because they don't have clean drinking water. Then there are some that are dying simply because they have a cold or because they have a fever because they don't have medicine like we do.
So, if you're like me, typing away on your laptop.. Think about it the next time you complain about something. At least you're in a house or apartment right now with a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your stomach, and shoes on your feet. Think, hey, I have a laptop, and an x-box or wii or playstation or whatever. Think, I have a car. Think I have a job. Think I have a phone, probably a smart phone at that. Think I have clothes, and more than one outfit. I have a bed, a shower, a toothbrush. Think, I'm getting an education and if you're in college like me, that education is not coming cheap or easy.
So yeah, life's rough. It's hard. You have to push through it sometimes and cry other times. NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS EASY. But you know what, you have it a LOT better than most of the world and even if it is hard, you're not going through this alone. I'm sure you have someone that if you needed them, they would drop everything at that moment for you. As I typed those words, I knew who that person was for me, and I'm lucky enough to have more than one, but I'm sure as you read those words, you know who your person is too. I'm sure every single one of you has a person. Someone who without you even asking will be there in a heartbeat. Who you can call crying and who will ask you if they need you to beat their ass. You know who I'm talking about. Make sure you appreciate them. Appreciate them everyday. You never know who you're going to lose or when so say thank you every now and then and stop complaining so damn much. You've got it pretty good compared to others. So, shut the fuck up.
You are not the only one having to stay up late studying because you have three tests tomorrow and five papers due next week. You're not the only one having two work four jobs because you're so far in debt you can't breathe. You're not the only one who is alone tonight. You're not the only one who feels, even if you're in a large group of people, you're still alone.
But think of it this way too, no matter how bad you got it, I'm sure someone out there probably has it worse. Think about third world countries.. They can't even bathe or eat on the regular. Some are dying of starvation, others of dehydration because they don't have clean drinking water. Then there are some that are dying simply because they have a cold or because they have a fever because they don't have medicine like we do.
So, if you're like me, typing away on your laptop.. Think about it the next time you complain about something. At least you're in a house or apartment right now with a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your stomach, and shoes on your feet. Think, hey, I have a laptop, and an x-box or wii or playstation or whatever. Think, I have a car. Think I have a job. Think I have a phone, probably a smart phone at that. Think I have clothes, and more than one outfit. I have a bed, a shower, a toothbrush. Think, I'm getting an education and if you're in college like me, that education is not coming cheap or easy.
So yeah, life's rough. It's hard. You have to push through it sometimes and cry other times. NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS EASY. But you know what, you have it a LOT better than most of the world and even if it is hard, you're not going through this alone. I'm sure you have someone that if you needed them, they would drop everything at that moment for you. As I typed those words, I knew who that person was for me, and I'm lucky enough to have more than one, but I'm sure as you read those words, you know who your person is too. I'm sure every single one of you has a person. Someone who without you even asking will be there in a heartbeat. Who you can call crying and who will ask you if they need you to beat their ass. You know who I'm talking about. Make sure you appreciate them. Appreciate them everyday. You never know who you're going to lose or when so say thank you every now and then and stop complaining so damn much. You've got it pretty good compared to others. So, shut the fuck up.
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