Friendship

Am I a good friend? I like to think that I am. I like to think that every single person who has called me their friend and who I have called my friend has thought of me as a good friend.

As someone that's compassionate, and someone that cares. I like to think that I, in some way, have helped every single person that I have known closely. That I, in some way or another, have made a profound impact on each of them.

I hope that I have been the person that someone else knew they could count on. I hope that my closest friends can trust me with their secrets and can come to me if they are ever in need.

And all I can think about is Carrigan. I hope she's doing okay. I know she's going through a rough time right now. Leaving Craig behind is not going to be an easy task. She loves him, with everything that she has to give and even more than that. There is no limit to her love for him, but all the same I know she needs to let go of him, if only just for a short time.

He needs time and space to grow and change and to understand himself and to know himself and to find himself (honestly, she needs to do the same). Right now, he's lost. She knows it just as well as I do. There is no way that he could ever come to love her the way she loves him if he does not first love himself. I know he's a bit conceded, but that is because he knows he's smart. It's not because he thinks he's talented or because he thinks he's a great person. All that matters to him at this point are his intelligence level and weed. In all honesty.

That's not healthy. At all.

All the same, I know she's given him every part of her being and I know that breaking away from him is going to be really hard. I know that it will take it's toll on her emotionally and physically. I know the strength it takes to get through it and I pray, hard, that she can handle it. That she is strong enough. & I think she is. I think she can make it through this time but all the same I know she won't be able to do it alone. That is why I CONSTANTLY hope and pray that she is letting those people at UNCW in her "bubble" in. I hope that she is learning to rely on them. I can only be there for her so much. I can't be there in 10 minutes to come hold her.. I live 6-8 hours away. I wish I could be there like that, but I know she knows that she can call me.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved Meghan as much as I’ve come to this year. She truly wants the best for me & loves me, I’m coming to realize that she’s someone I can call at three in the morning, who’s going to do her best to offer me support & advice. I fucking love her. & it’s a shame that I’ve only recently realized that.

These words describing me, coming from her own finger tips on her very own blog, have never meant so much to me. These words make me feel incredible and I only hope that my words of encouragement can make her feel the same. I hope that my words empower her to push through this time and I hope that my words inspire her to be all that she can be.

I want her to know that she can do anything and everything her heart and mind desire. I especially want her to know that she can do it by herself. That she doesn't need Craig or me for that matter. That she is magnificent and strong and beautiful. I want her to know that, yeah, this time is bad and it hurts but once she pushes through it, she can do anything, and that the time that follows will be amazing.

I have news for you.  The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell. & That I know, you can do it.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gifted ability, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home, a person.

So I hope that her attitude about this hard time is positive. That she will make it through and she will prosper afterward. I hope she listens to encouraging music over depressing even though those depressing songs reach right down to your soul. To the very core of your being, to your foundation. But that the happy, encouraging songs will help push through and will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just remember, it’s not the end of the world yet. But you don’t wait until then to tell him. To tell him that you're moving on and letting him go and letting you and him grow. The worst thing isn’t the end of the world. It’s what you didn’t finish; what you didn’t say when you had the chance. And what you need to say is this:

"I'm done. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot let you torture me day in and day out. We both need space to grow, and understand ourselves. So, I'm letting go. I'm letting you go and I'm letting myself go. I will always be here for you, but all the same.. I cannot hurt anymore. I can choose, and what I choose is happiness and right now, you cannot give that to me no matter how much you want to and I cannot expect you to give it me no matter how much I want you to. So goodbye for now.. Remember I will always love you, but I have to go."