Soaring

My heart is in the clouds right now. It's insane how much I love Alex and I feel like I'm such a horrible person for all the bad I have done to him.

I hope he learns to forgive me and love him like I do now. I've always loved him, and I loved him like this before and it was so long ago that I have forgotten that love I had for him. It's back and with a vengeance. I don't know why It's taken me so long to realize this and I'm kicking myself for it. I've finally let him back in and in the process I've pushed him away and now he has to learn to love like this again.

I've hurt him so much and I feel so horrible about it. I just hope. Pray. Plead. That he will love me the same again. If we could finally get on the same page.. We would be unstoppable.

He told me today about his want for a child with me and it caught me off guard, but now that I think about it, it was probably the sweetest thing anyone could ever say to another in love. He makes me melt. And I know this sounds so giddy and happy and mushy all over the place, but that's what I am. I'm a mess of happy emotions right now and it feels so amazing.

I hope, and pray that he will feel the same about me and until then, I'm not giving up on him. I never will. At this point, it's like he's my life line. He's everything to me and if I lose him I will collapse to the ground and I won't get up. I won't. Not again. I will be destroyed. To the point of no return. And I wish he could understand that I'll never hurt him again and I hope he'll learn that I'm here to stay, not straying ever. He's everything. I will never leave his side and I will do anything to keep it that way. I'll do anything for him. ANYTHING.

I hate this feeling of him having complete control over me again, but at the same time I love it. I know he won't do me wrong so I'm not scared of it. I like him having this effect on me and it will never change. Not ever again. I know who I am now and I know what I want and he is that thing. He is that person. Forever and Always.

And to follow up about Carrigan, she's taken my advice and advancing on it and I hope she continues to do so and doesn't falter. It will make her stronger and if, in the future, she and Craig get back together.. It will make them stronger together and as individuals and I hope she will learn that one day. Until then, it's a waiting game with time at the upper hand. I hope she can handle it and I know now, that she knows I will always be here for her no matter what and she can fall on me when need be. She can call me at three AM and I will answer and talk to her and I will sing or semi-scream those crazy songs with her and I will be her life line until she finds another. I'll be her back bone and her support until she finds herself and can lean on herself.