For Carrigan

You know my opinion about Craig. I'll leave that for you to think about, I don't want to post anything about your relationship other than you know I'm not a fan of him and you KNOW I hate that he fucking destroyed you.

Yes, you know my history with Alex, but our history is completely different than yours. You need to know that shit went down with us, but through it all we both love each other uncontrollably and I feel like Craig does not have the same love for you as you have for him and my advice for you is to let him go. If you love him, YOU WILL LET HIM GO. You will stop texting him. Calling him. Loving him.

I know, you'll never truly stop loving him. I KNOW THIS. But if you let him go and he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't yours to begin with and if he does come back then he always was yours. You'll never know that though unless you let him go completely. The way he acts toward you, just from my experience from being around the both of you, I realize that he does not feel the same about you. I know he cares about you, but not in the same way. At all. LET HIM GO.

Move on baby girl and let him move on. If he does find the right one for him and get engaged and has rugrats.. you need to learn to not love him. You need to learn to love someone that's right for you. You need to give someone the chance to love you and you need to love someone else in return. Sure, I know it hurts. It's difficult, it is, but you need to let someone in besides him and not just me. I know you trust me to tell your secrets to but I do have an understanding ear, but I'm tired of you being so upset with yourself and your life. I want you to find someone else besides me and Craig that have understanding ears and that care for you the same as I care for you. I want you to find someone that cares for unconditionally and someone that loves you always. I want someone to tell you you're beautiful all the time and that you are worth everything and I know there is someone out there that will do exactly that but you won't ever find that person unless you open up. Let someone in.

Be outgoing, don't shut everyone out, learn to love. EVERYONE. Not just Craig. I learned that. You saw how incredibly depressed I was but I bounced back. If I can, I know you can. After everything that happened with me and Alex, I learned to love again and honestly.. It made me a better and stronger person. Read "On Becoming a Person" by Carl Rogers. Yes, it's psychology but it teaches you to not judge yourself or anyone else but to UNDERSTAND yourself and others and they way you are the way you and the way people are the way they are. You need to learn these things in order to feel better. You need to learn to love EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. But you won't do that until you find yourself.

It's not an easy task. It hurts and it's scary. Finding yourself IS FUCKING TERRIFYING. Your thoughts and emotions threaten to choke you all the time. LET THEM OUT. In a way that's not harmful to yourself. In a beautiful way that will encourage yourself and strengthen you.

I found myself by writing, it's something I'm passionate about. I know you like writing and I'm hoping it's something your passionate about. Enough so, that when you're writing your heart soars and you feel liberated.. That's how it is for me. Getting my thoughts out in this non-harmful way helps me and I want you to find something that does the same for you, if you haven't found it already.

I know you love Craig, and care for him, but until he finds himself he will never be able to give you what you want from him. So you need to leave him alone and let him do that. If he destroys himself it's not on you. Stop blaming  yourself for his unhappiness, it's not your fault it's his. I'm tired of watching him hurt you without even knowing it or doing it on purpose cause he just doesn't care. And if you don't ever find yourself, you won't be able to give him or anyone else yourself entirely like you need to do again. It's hard, it hurts, it's scary, but let down your walls because the higher you build them, when you do fall, the more it will hurt. So stop building them so tall and bring them down brick by brick and let people in.