I'm Going Down Swinging

So, I think I've got some shit I need to get off my chest because It's aching today and it hasn't done this in a while. I've been really good about all this, but today for some reason it's hard. Maybe it's because I'm starting a new job today, and I'm really excited about it and I can't share that with him like I used to be able to..

I don't know, I'm missing him today. So much that my emotions are threatening to choke some tears out of me, and I can't have that. Not today. Today, I have too much shit riding on the fact that my emotions have to be in check and I have to put on a pretty smiling face. I'm serving at Ruby Tuesday now. Image and attitude are everything.

But I want to be able to talk to him, or maybe not him. I think I'm missing being that close to someone more than actually missing HIM. But at the same time, I do miss him too. But I'm also beginning to think that this break up might have been for the best. I realized when I went home this weekend, that I have nothing in Snellville anymore. My life is here, in Carrollton. My friends are here, my job is here, my school is here, my apartment is here. That only things back home was Alex, and my parents. And now, Alex is moving, so even he isn't there anymore. My life has moved and my priorities are changing, and I'm thinking that my mom is right, that I'm outgrowing him. Our ambitions don't line up anymore and we're not helping each other exceed any more. I feel like we were holding each other back. Not to mention our relationship is so incredibly damaged it's not even funny. And two people can only take so much shit before they can't take it anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, I think we have reached that point.

I'd give anything to have him the way I did in high school. To have that intense, crazy, out of this world, first love feeling but as much as I hate it, I know that won't come back again. We're too broken. We're too hurt. I'm too hurt. How could be possible fix all that has happened between us? There's just no way. So, maybe it's best that I just move on and leave all we had and him in my past. As good as that sounds and as much as I'd like to be able to do that, I know myself well enough to know that there is no way that I'll just be able to leave him in my past. He's a part of me. He's helped create the person I am today. He'll always be apart of me and whether I like it or not, I will always love him. No matter what. And I still miss him. Everyday I miss him.

And here are the tears I've been fighting back. I can't hold the dam any longer. My chest aches because I miss him so much. I hate that he can do this to me. I'm mad at him. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm mad that he gave up on me. HE WALKED AWAY AND GAVE UP ON ME! HE BROKE UP WITH ME and LEFT ME. He did this to me again. And I know he said he didn't mean anything he said but he wouldn't have said them if they didn't have some truth. He's never been one to lie to me. He gave up on me. He told me I couldn't make him happy anymore. He told me that being with me would never make him happy. So I'm done. If I can't make him happy, than I hope he meets someone who can. I just can't watch it happen. It will kill me.

I will find happiness again. I won't let him break me like he did before. Yeah, I'm hurt. I'm hurting.. but I will not remain this way like I did before. I will recover and I will accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. I will be successful and I will enjoy my life. I will meet someone, someone like him and someone different than him as well, and I will love him with everything that I am and I will marry him and we will live happily every after. I don't know when that will be, but  IT WILL HAPPEN. I REFUSE TO BE UNHAPPY. I will make it through this, and I will come out stronger and better than ever before. I can do this.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Uh Oh

So, I did something stupid. As usual.

I've been home since Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon. Well, being the stupid girl that I am, I had Alex come over to spend the night with me two nights in a row. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm realizing, that yeah, he means a lot to me, but I think I might be done. Like, we've been through too much. I'm tired. I am tired of being in a relationship. I'm tired of the stress of being away from someone while I'm at school. I'm tired of having to make someone else happy, when I'm having a hard enough time making myself happy.

I hate being home, but at the same time, I might have needed this. I needed to see where my head was. I have been out of my mind with boredom, but I've gotten a lot of thinking time in. It's helped my realize some things. Maybe some things I didn't really want to realize, but all the same, it's been a good thing.

I'm realizing that I'm happy on my own. I like being by myself. I like being away from the stress of having a spouse. I'm too busy to have anything serious. It's not like I'm completely against relationships, but I'm definitely not looking for one. I'm not looking for anything, but if something were to happen, I might go for it.. I don't know. I just know that I'm done running, yet, I'm not looking for anything. I think I'm just gonna sit still for a while and be happy.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Trouble

“think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories; it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said, or anything he did ― it was the feeling that came along with it. Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, 'How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?' Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me.” 

 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

On My Own

So, even though I'm drowning in psychology homework, I feel like I need to write. I feel like I need to get things off my chest and analyze where I am in my life right now.

Nick has helped me realize that I'm in a very confusing state in my life right now. It's a little crazy how confusing it really is. I want someone to lay with me while I'm healing myself, but I want to do this alone. I like being with a guy, but yet I hate it at the same time. I know what I want, but I don't as well..

I don't even know what to think.
All I know, is there's this guy and I'm kinda infatuated with him and I want to know where it will go, but I don't at the same time. I want to date him, but I don't. I'm scared to date him. I'm scared. So how the hell could I make him or anyone else happy for that matter if I'm terrified of pursuing it?

I think about Alex still too, I mean.. He wants me back. How do I handle that? I'm not sure of anything with him anymore. We've been through so much already and I've told him that I need time and space, yet he calls or texts me everyday. I mean yeah, I like his friendship, but I can't think.

I over analyze everything. I over think everything. I take text messages and decipher every line. I think about the words I've heard throughout the day, and I try to make up my mind if I should believe them or not. I give good advice, but I don't take it for myself. I don't want to get hurt again. I think that's the real issue. I am so terrified of being broken again that I've become cold, and hard to get to know because I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time opening up, but I don't want to freeze over either.

Do you see how sporadic this entree is? I can't even make up my mind about what I want to fucking write about, let alone my life. I need help, but I'm too stubborn to ask for it, because I don't want it. It's okay. I'll do this on my own. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Where Hope Lives

If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't wast time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. & if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simple take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Understanding World

Recently I have been debating whether or not I really want to continue perusing the field of psychology. I couldn't put my finger on why I wanted to go into it in the first place. Sure, I took a class in high school and fell in love with it, but why did I fall in love with it? Today, I've been working on my psychology homework and we're writing a paper in that class about a topic that will eventually evolve into out senior project.

But I was sitting there, pondering what the hell I would talk about and then I started wondering why I really went into studying and majoring in psychology in the first place. I realized it's because I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they are in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up in the morning and have forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I fall in love with their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with the breakdowns and their smeared make up and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.

Every day, I witness these events and I wonder why people do what they do. I wonder , "how are they feeling right now?" I've been through some of these things, all of these things, but is it the same for them as it was for me? Psychology teaches humility, it teaches you to be humble, understanding, kind, truthful and not just with others, but with yourself too. It helps you to become a better person and to be all you can be. It shows you that those "disorders" people suffer from aren't really disorders, but part of that person, their own reality, and that there is nothing WRONG with that person, just something different and something beautiful.

Psychology isn't just about the bad parts of a human. It's how each and everyone of us relates. It's not just biological aspects of the brain, or damage to a person. It's how to become a better person, whatever that may be to an individual. It's how to deal with the world and walk in someone else's shoes for a while. To understand that each and every single person in the world is dealing with their own personal experiences and it's not right to judge or criticize them for understanding the world and experiencing the world in their own specific way. It helps you become true to yourself, and not care what other people think of you, to just thrive in your own reality.

I want to be a part of that. I want to help people. Of course, I'm not going the traditional route of therapy, I'm going into forensic psychology. I'm going to find people that create crime, I'm going to talk to them, understand them and work towards having a better criminal system. To understanding the offender and how we can help them. That's when I realized I knew why I went into psychology, I wanted to help make the world a better more humble, more humane place.

Right now, the offender will get thrown in jail. In those prisons they learn from other convicts how to be worse then they are, when they're done serving their time, they get thrown out into the world to commit the same or even worse crimes than they already have and then get thrown back in to learn even more bad. So why not break the cycle of crime. Instead of just throwing them in prison, why not help them work out their underlying stress. The reasons they are committing this crime is just as important as the fact that they committed the crime in the first place. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. So why not rehabilitate them, and help them before they try to help themselves in the wrong way? This is why I went into psychology, because the world needs softer, humbler, gentler, more tender, sweeter, more understanding people. We have enough of the hardened people, the strong people, the mean people, the tough.. too much I'd say. I think everyone should take a walk in some one else's shoes for a day and then the world would be a better place, a more understanding place.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

12:34

I have class at 9:30 in the morning, but I can't sleep.

I've found myself reminiscing on this past school year, and everything I've been through. It's been a lot in such a short amount of time. I can't believe how much has changed in 7 months. I used to think a year was a long time, but recently it seems that time slips away faster and faster. A year really isn't that long any more. I wish I could slow it down. I wish I could stay this young forever because at this moment, I'm the oldest I've ever been and the youngest I'll ever be again. It's interesting isn't it? How the present seems to be dragging on, but if you stop and look back and think about it, it's actually speeding past us..

I wish I could stop time. I can't. But thinking back like this teaches me to cherish every moment I experience. Even though I complain all the time about how my life is going, I should actually be very grateful because one day I'll be wishing I could go back to this moment. I know this because I wish all the time that I could go back to when I had no responsibilities, when all I had to worry about was what I was gonna wear the next day. Now I have to worry about how much money I have, how I'm going to feed my rabbit and myself, how much time I have to do my homework before I have to be at work, the list goes on..

I miss the days I could lay in my bed and not worry about a thing.

My heart is aching in my chest, for what reason, I don't know. But it hurts tonight. It's longing for something. I can't put my finger on what it is but this is a sad ache. It's a sorrowful one. It's a lonely one. It's one of those aches that I wish I could do something about, but I know I can't. My mind is not sad though, my heart is. I don't understand why. It's starting to bother me that I don't know why my heart is aching even though I'm not really sad. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't even want to see anyone. So how can my heart be aching? Maybe it's just exhaustion, because I am incredibly tired, but I can't sleep. I seem to be a walking, talking contradiction tonight..

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Encouraging Words

I just want to take a moment for all the broken hearted. For all those suffering their own specific torture. For all of those whose chests are aching and for all of those who feel worthless.

You are a beautiful human being. Sure, you might not measure up to society's standard of beautiful but who the fuck cares? Society is fucked, have you not noticed?

You are amazing, you are talented, you are graceful, you are empowering, you are worth every breath you breathe. You are intelligent and mysterious and interesting. You are strong enough to overcome anything you are going through. If I can do it, so can you. I've recovered from a broken heart, I've gotten stronger, and I've learned from my mistakes.

Society wants us to be perfect. But what the hell is the point of being perfect? It would make the world boring, besides, perfection is relative to the person. You don't have to live up to society's standard. Set a bar for yourself to overcome and then reach that goal because being proud of yourself, for accomplishing what you set to accomplish and not what someone else said, is the best feeling in the entire world.

& don't hold back. In whatever you choose to do, give it your all. I think that's what's wrong with the world.. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy but they don't dance or sing. They're angry but they don't scream because if they do, they feel ashamed. & feeling ashamed is the worst feeling in the world, so everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is. So lift your head up, empower yourself. You don't need anyone else, because at the end of the day, that's all you really have. Yourself. 

With the world, as horrible as it is now, make sure to walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the doers, the planners, the successful, people with their feet on the ground and their heads in the clouds. Let their spirits ignite a fire within you to leave this world a better place than you found it. Ignite a fire in yourself to be all that you can be. Accomplish your goals, be courageous do something you've never done before. Be confident in yourself enough to go talk to that boy you've been eying for the past three months, the worst he can say is "no" but then you can have the satisfaction of knowing you tried instead of resenting yourself for never going over there. You won't ever have to ask yourself "what if?" again. 

Be strong, be powerful, be persuasive, be enigmatic, be courageous, be spontaneous. Love life, and live it. 
Forget all that have told you, you can't and prove them wrong. Do whatever it is that your heart desires and don't hold anything back. Live with no regrets, only lessons learned because those mistakes are what have shaped you and molded you and made you who you are today & you are beautiful. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

The Walking Dead, Episode 312

I don't know if many of you know this, but I am a HUGE fan of The Walking Dead. Now, let me clear this up.. I have never been one to watch entire seasons of TV shows, let alone sit up waiting for the show to come on. This show on the other hand, is a different story completely. I excitedly anticipate every Sunday night. My whole weekend revolves around me being able to sit in front of a screen, whether it be a TV screen or a computer screen, and watch The Walking Dead every Sunday at 9 pm.

This weeks episode, # 312, blew my fucking mind (although, I am a little disappointed that I didn't get to see my man Norman Reedus, aka: Darly Dixon  in the episode). It was crazy intense and had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. I'm also a little upset that (spoiler alert for those who didn't get to see it) Morgan didn't go with them. I've been waiting for the day that Rick and Morgan found each other again and this episode did not live up to my expectations. I bet you anything though, that Morgan will show up at the prison when they need him most. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Michonne, that's one tough bitch right there. I like her. A LOT. I was beginning to get disappointed in Rick for not treating her the right way, but after tonight's episode I'm happy to say that it looks like she's going to get the respect she deserves. I mean seriously though, she's saved their asses on multiple occasions now.

Carl is turning into a little BADASS. He is fucking awesome. He's all of what 11 or 12 now and he's still got more balls than his dad does sometimes. I mean seriously. He's saved a couple of people now too and they're still treating him like he's a little kid that knows nothing. I know he's still a kid, but he's one bad ass mother f*cker. He got shot, and had surgery without proper medical utensils, and lived. He's fricken amazing. 

As for the Governor. He can kiss my ass. I'm highly angry at Andrea for not killing his sorry ass. She should have driven that knife right through his arrogant head and been done with it. Now, I'll bet you anything, since she didn't through with it to begin with, the Governor will probably kill her in the next episode. I hope that f*cker dies soon, I hate his ass, by the way he's a pretty boy and the eye patch doesn't make him look anymore tough or evil it just makes him look even more like a sissy. Take that damn eye patch off and show everyone what your eye really looks like all the time, then he'd be a little cooler.

All I have to say, is that if Daryl Dixon dies, I'm done with the show. I will refuse to watch it and I will ball my eyes out. He is the coolest character who's sexiness just grows on you. Who else would kill zombies with a bow and arrow? The awesome redneck ruffian. Noise attracts walkers, so this badass drives a fucking loud ass motorcycle and kills zombies all along the way. Norman Reedus is an amazing actor. I loved him in the Boondock Saints as well. I love his raspy voice and I love that he's kinda rough around the edges. Good girls always fall for the bad boys don't they?

A couple of interesting tid bits for you guys:
1. They never call them "zombies" in the show.
2. Carol, Dale, and Andrea have played together before in The Mist.
3. Each zombie's make up takes 1 and 1/2 hrs to complete and they do the make up every single time they film. They don't just take a day to film all the zombies, it's every single episode.
4. Each zombie has to go to zombie school for a day before they can start filming
5. The zombies don't actually make noise in the episode, it's a voice over, all they do is the physical action on screen.

So all in all, I would highly recommend getting into The Walking Dead. The first two season are on Netflix and the season three episodes can be watched on AMC along with extras from the show, games, and webisodes. Hope y'all join in my obsession!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Hidden Meaning

You know, lately I've been hiding behind a cool exterior. I've been calm and collected on the outside, but inside I'm a tornado of emotions. I'm an emotional train wreck, but I don't let anyone see that. I feel like if I show my emotions it's considered weakness. Well, I'm wrong.

I think that's what's wrong with the world.. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy but they don't dance or sing. They're angry but they don't scream because if they do, they feel ashamed. & feeling ashamed is the worst feeling in the world, so everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is.

I am guilty. I'm one of those people that hide what they're feeling and thinking inside myself. I hide behind coy smiles and mysterious eyes and I don't let anyone get close. I run. I'm good at running, and I'm fast. Whenever some one gets to close, I push them away. I close them off from my heart, I build walls and boundaries. I dare them to cross the boundaries, but I know none of them will. 

Even some of my best friends don't know what's going on behind my dark brown eyes half the time. They know they can come to me with everything and I will give them my opinion and I won't hold back, but I can't rely on them to help me because I don't let them close enough to help me.

The only person I ever let close enough was Alex, he was my best friend. I told him everything and then he chose to walk away. I promised myself in that instant that I would never let anyone get that close again. That was a mistake on my part. I am wrong to believe that and I'm wrong to continue to close everyone off and push them away. I need to break myself of this habit. I need to force myself to let people get close to me. I need to work on not running. I need to stay put, I need to let people come to me and actually let them in. So maybe one day, my eyes won't be so mysterious, and my smile not so coy, and maybe some day, some one will know me completely again because at this point, Alex doesn't even know me completely anymore.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Gone to Shit

Well, my Saturday sucks major monkey dick.

1. I've been in a weird mood all day, and kinda grumpy at that
2. I've had to spend my ENTIRE night babysitting (meaning I'm still babysitting, got here at 5 & won't leave until 2am)
3. Nothing good is on TV, or if it is good, I've already seen it like 53907825784 times.
4. Was gonna hang out with some friends when I left babysitting, that won't be happening now.

Like seriously, Rod.. I understand that it's my job as a babysitter to watch your kid and let you go out every now and then but damn, I'm here at least once a week as it is. I don't want to spend my entire weekend over here. Not to mention, your kid is turning into a pain in the ass. He was good when I first started babysitting, but now he's being a little asshole and he's not obeying me or listening to me. Not to mention, the kids he hands out with don't help. Cade is obviously a follower, and he's following their bad behavior. That Braden kid is bad news.

I'm annoyed, and tired and I know I have plenty of homework to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so tired of school and I'd do anything to have a semester off, but I know that if I do that, I'll never go back. I hate school. I hate that we have to have a degree to even think about getting a job. If you want to make money though, you have to have at least a masters degree. They make it impossible to get a job without a degree, but they make the process of getting that degree damn near impossible as well. Not to mention the cost of a college education is through the roof, I'm already over my head in debt as it is and I haven't even had to start paying my loans off yet.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, and I'm clearly going insane. I can't do this shit any more. I need a vacation and spring break is coming up and I'm not going anywhere because I can't afford to and my boyfriend left me in the fucking dust. Thanks a lot for fucking destroying this semester for me. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of this life that I'm living. It's the same shit day in and day out. I want to have an adventure. I want to journey out of this life and jump into a more exciting one. I'm tired of being stuck in this small college town, not having true friends, and not having a fucking life. I want to go. I want to get a way. I want to leave.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

The Person I Want to Become

That feeling in my chest is back. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, sadness. I haven't even done anything today. I just woke up. So why won't this feeling go away?

It doesn't help any when you watch the love of your life walk away and tell you that you don't make him happy anymore, that you can't make him happy, and being with you will never make him happy, and having him tell you that seeing you makes him cringe because he is so unhappy. I took those cold words in. Those icy sentences stabbed deep in the heart. They made me cold, hard. Words like that shape a person. They stay buried within them. I've sat on those words for two months now. I've let them eat at my mind and I've let them effect in ways that I shouldn't but when words like that come from the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, they hurt, and they cut down to your soul.

I finally got to the point where I could handle not being with him. I could handle him not being in my life. I tried (unsuccessfully) to  not think about him every day. I was okay though, I was happy with being alone, I was liking being single and being able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. But then he called me last yesterday, three times at that.

I could handle talking to him on the phone. I thought it was just friendly talk, like we used to do before we dated. But them yesterday, he opened up a can of worms that have been reeking havoc on my mind.

He told me yesterday that he wanted to take back all the bad things he had said, that he honestly didn't mean any of them and he knew this because he missed me. He missed all the good times we had, he missed my smile and my touch. He said I was peanut butter to his jelly, and that I still make him happy. I still make him smile and laugh even when he doesn't want to. He told me that he loves me, more than anything in the world and that I could never make him cringe because he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. That he still wants to marry me and that he can't see himself with anyone else.

You know, I want to believe his words. I do, I want to believe he really means this stuff and he's not just lonely. But you weren't there to hear the icy words come out of his mouth a month ago. You weren't there to see that he didn't care how those words would effect me. I still think about those words. Every day. I'm trying to learn from them. To shape myself to be less of a horrible person.

I was moving on, I was doing okay, and then he has to come and say these words that completely negate what I had been dwelling on for the past month. I don't even know how to take them. They've been on my mind all night, replaying through my head. What do I do about it? I'm not ready to hop back into a relationship with him.. I'm still hurting, I'm still healing. But then again, who's to say that if we do get back together this won't happen again? I don't think I can take losing him one more time. I love the boy, I do. I always will, but should I really be with him again? CAN I be with him again? We've been through so much.

And what about Michael? We're kind talking, getting to know each other, do I just leave him in the dust? Forget about his feelings? I mean sure, we haven't amounted to anything. We're not even dating, but I mean still.. My life is affecting another person's again. I'm tired of hurting people. I know they say that you have to make yourself happy and hurting others come with that sometimes, but I'm tired of it. I don't like it and I've done plenty of it in my short life time.

Maybe I should just stay single for a while. I'm a college student, I need to get my crazy out of me. I need to be able to rely on myself, and not someone else. I need to be able to take care of myself, and love myself, and be happy by myself before I can begin to do the same for someone else. I need to grow a little more. I need to heal a little more. I need to take time for myself, be alone in a crowded room and be okay with that. I need to take myself to a movie, or out dancing and not feeling lonely even though I'm alone. I need to learn more about myself, I need to know what my hopes and dreams and aspirations are. I need to empower myself to be good, and gentle and humble, and fix the previous bad that I have done.

I need to be able to study. To learn about everything and anything I come in contact with. I need to become a better person. I need to become a stable person instead of this train wreck of a life I live. I need to love. Love uncontrollably, and unconditionally, but not a person, I need to love life in that manner. I need to be more thankful for everything I have and with all the interactions I've had the privileged of coming in contact with.

How will I be able to do these things if I'm busy loving one person? Single is good for me right now, it's honestly what I need. I've always jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and I don't need to do that this time. I need to be by myself for a while, learn and grow, and be alone. I need to pull myself out of this depression I'm sinking in. I need to do that, I don't need someone else to do that because I don't need to rely on them to do it again.

I'm a strong woman and I'm powerful in many ways. I have gotten myself out of worst situations than this and I have built walls around my heart so that things don't hurt me as bad. I am an easy going person, and it's hard to get me mad. I am kind at times and a bitch at other times. I try not to judge you, until I know your character and I know you personally. I give good advice (some that I need to listen to myself) and I love helping others. I've made plenty of mistakes that's for sure, but I have learned from them (the hard way of course). I'm stubborn in my ways and I'm hard headed. I'm a good person, but I want to be better. I want to have a better attitude, and a better outlook on life.

So maybe time alone is for the best. Maybe being alone will help me shape myself into the person I want to become. A person that is full of joy, love, strength, and humbleness. A person that I can be proud of. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Confusion

con·fu·sion  /kənˈfyo͞oZHən/
Noun

1. Lack of understanding; uncertainty.
2. A situation of panic; a breakdown of order: "the shaken survivors retreated in confusion".

I am in a state of confusion. I don't know who my true friends are. I don't know where I'll be in 3 months, I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't even know how to entertain myself any more.

Alex threw me through a loop today. He confused my new normal. He said that he wanted to take back what he said and that he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it when he said I couldn't make him happy anymore. The reason he gave me was that because he missed me. When he looked back at the memory of me, it made him happy more than sad. He said that it wasn't me making him unhappy, but that it was himself.

How the hell do I respond to that? I'm just now getting used to the fact that he's not in my life. I'm just now being comfortable around other guys again. I'm just now happy with my current single status. I'm just now comfortable with myself again. And then, he's going to go say something like that..

He asked me if I would take back what I said about never getting back together.. I said I did. I mean honestly, let's be rational here. Let's think about this, would I ever really be able to say "No, I don't want to date you anymore, I don't want to love you anymore, I don't want to have a future with you anymore.."? ha. No. I love that boy more than anything in the world. But I'll tell you what, I'm not waiting for him. I cannot do that to myself. I can give him space, and I can give him time, but I am not making myself miserable in the process.

But then, what about Michael? I'm just now getting to really know him, and I like talking to him. It's new and fresh, and I know that when Alex reads this, it will probably hurt him, but he told me to be happy and right now, Michael is the person that is making me happy. I mean I'm happy without him, but he facilitates the happy feeling. I would love to see where things could go with him, but I know myself well enough that if Alex came back in a month or two, I'd drop everything for him. But I also know, that I'm not ready for a relationship and if I were to jump into one with someone, it wouldn't be fair to them because I wouldn't be giving them my all.

I don't know what to do. My heart is being pulled in five million different directions and my brain can't keep up with the world around me. I honestly think I'm depressed. I feel lonely a lot and all I want to do is sleep. I don't really want to interact with people, the thought of it is exhausting, but I'm also tired of being alone. I need someone to just be here to hold me and just lay with me for a while. Help me get back on my feet, help me want to be around others again. I just need someone to lay with me.. To not force me to get up and do something. Someone that will help me heal. Someone that will help me get out of this depression I've been in for some time.

I guess that's really the underlying problem. I know the signs of depression, and I know how to help myself, but I also know that I can't do this alone and my friends have left me to do this alone. They're all so far up their boyfriend's asses, it's like I don't even matter to any of them anymore. It's like I've disappeared and I only matter when their bored. I know I'm normally the one people call when they have problems, but who do I call when I have a problem? Who can I count on when I need someone there for me? It's becoming clear to me that I have no one that will do that for me and it makes me mad, because I am always there for them. ALWAYS. but the moment I need someone, there is no one.

I'm confused as to what to do next. I'm confused in the fact that I have no one I can really count on and I don't know why, I'm confused that I can be such a good friend and then not have a good friend when I need one. I'm confused by Alex's words and I don't know how to respond. & I'm confused as to how to get out of this depression that has kept me prisoner for so long...

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.