con·fu·sion /kənˈfyo͞oZHən/
Noun
- Lack of understanding; uncertainty.
- A situation of panic; a breakdown of order: "the shaken survivors retreated in confusion".
Alex threw me through a loop today. He confused my new normal. He said that he wanted to take back what he said and that he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it when he said I couldn't make him happy anymore. The reason he gave me was that because he missed me. When he looked back at the memory of me, it made him happy more than sad. He said that it wasn't me making him unhappy, but that it was himself.
How the hell do I respond to that? I'm just now getting used to the fact that he's not in my life. I'm just now being comfortable around other guys again. I'm just now happy with my current single status. I'm just now comfortable with myself again. And then, he's going to go say something like that..
He asked me if I would take back what I said about never getting back together.. I said I did. I mean honestly, let's be rational here. Let's think about this, would I ever really be able to say "No, I don't want to date you anymore, I don't want to love you anymore, I don't want to have a future with you anymore.."? ha. No. I love that boy more than anything in the world. But I'll tell you what, I'm not waiting for him. I cannot do that to myself. I can give him space, and I can give him time, but I am not making myself miserable in the process.
But then, what about Michael? I'm just now getting to really know him, and I like talking to him. It's new and fresh, and I know that when Alex reads this, it will probably hurt him, but he told me to be happy and right now, Michael is the person that is making me happy. I mean I'm happy without him, but he facilitates the happy feeling. I would love to see where things could go with him, but I know myself well enough that if Alex came back in a month or two, I'd drop everything for him. But I also know, that I'm not ready for a relationship and if I were to jump into one with someone, it wouldn't be fair to them because I wouldn't be giving them my all.
I don't know what to do. My heart is being pulled in five million different directions and my brain can't keep up with the world around me. I honestly think I'm depressed. I feel lonely a lot and all I want to do is sleep. I don't really want to interact with people, the thought of it is exhausting, but I'm also tired of being alone. I need someone to just be here to hold me and just lay with me for a while. Help me get back on my feet, help me want to be around others again. I just need someone to lay with me.. To not force me to get up and do something. Someone that will help me heal. Someone that will help me get out of this depression I've been in for some time.
I guess that's really the underlying problem. I know the signs of depression, and I know how to help myself, but I also know that I can't do this alone and my friends have left me to do this alone. They're all so far up their boyfriend's asses, it's like I don't even matter to any of them anymore. It's like I've disappeared and I only matter when their bored. I know I'm normally the one people call when they have problems, but who do I call when I have a problem? Who can I count on when I need someone there for me? It's becoming clear to me that I have no one that will do that for me and it makes me mad, because I am always there for them. ALWAYS. but the moment I need someone, there is no one.
I'm confused as to what to do next. I'm confused in the fact that I have no one I can really count on and I don't know why, I'm confused that I can be such a good friend and then not have a good friend when I need one. I'm confused by Alex's words and I don't know how to respond. & I'm confused as to how to get out of this depression that has kept me prisoner for so long...
This is life, and I'm gonna live it.
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