Nick has helped me realize that I'm in a very confusing state in my life right now. It's a little crazy how confusing it really is. I want someone to lay with me while I'm healing myself, but I want to do this alone. I like being with a guy, but yet I hate it at the same time. I know what I want, but I don't as well..
I don't even know what to think.
All I know, is there's this guy and I'm kinda infatuated with him and I want to know where it will go, but I don't at the same time. I want to date him, but I don't. I'm scared to date him. I'm scared. So how the hell could I make him or anyone else happy for that matter if I'm terrified of pursuing it?
I think about Alex still too, I mean.. He wants me back. How do I handle that? I'm not sure of anything with him anymore. We've been through so much already and I've told him that I need time and space, yet he calls or texts me everyday. I mean yeah, I like his friendship, but I can't think.
I over analyze everything. I over think everything. I take text messages and decipher every line. I think about the words I've heard throughout the day, and I try to make up my mind if I should believe them or not. I give good advice, but I don't take it for myself. I don't want to get hurt again. I think that's the real issue. I am so terrified of being broken again that I've become cold, and hard to get to know because I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time opening up, but I don't want to freeze over either.
Do you see how sporadic this entree is? I can't even make up my mind about what I want to fucking write about, let alone my life. I need help, but I'm too stubborn to ask for it, because I don't want it. It's okay. I'll do this on my own.
This is life, and I'm gonna live it.
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