Endless Possibility

So.. the other night at like 12 in the morning I called Alex. I know, I broke. I know that normally when going through a break up that's the last thing you want to do - talk to your ex-boyfriend. Astonishingly, it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It actually didn't really hurt at all.

We talked, and I mean TALKED about nothing and about everything that has been happening to us. Like two old friends catching up. It didn't hurt. IT DIDN'T HURT. I know, I think it's unbelievable. He said the same thing though, he said he was surprised it didn't hurt either. We ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half (I personally wanted it to be a 15 minute bitch fit and then be done with it) and it turned out to be kind of nice. I missed him. He's my best friend after all.

And I know I said we'd never get back together, but we established that we don't know what the future holds. We also decided that sometime in the future if we wanted to, we would try again but that for now, we need space and time away from each other. We need to grow and heal ourselves before we try again.

As for me, I'm happy. I'm loving my life right now. I'm kind of talking to a guy, not really though and I already told him I don't want a relationship, but I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. I guess we'll see where things go. I called Alex today as well, we talked about random shit like Harlem shake videos, and the gallon smashing video. We also talked about spring break and I agreed to let him take my guitar to the beach (although I'm kind of regretting it, I don't want anything to happen to it).

He called me "babe" today on accident and we both caught it. I expected it to tug at my heart strings a bit, but surprisingly once again, it didn't. I think this may be the new beginning of a friendship we once had and lost. A turning of a page. Maybe, just maybe, I'll truly get my best friend back. I guess I'll just have to sit and see what the future holds. After all, it is filled with endless possibilities..

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

After the Storm

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. 

-Mumford and Sons

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Phone Call

Alex called me today. In between my biology lab and my criminology class.
My heart about came out of my chest, and I immediately wanted to throw up. I didn't even know what to do with myself. So I answered. And the moment I heard his voice I had to fight back tears. I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't know why he needed to torture me like that. Why couldn't he had just texted me? I can handle a text message.

Anyway, he told me that he was sorry for everything that went down with me and Ali. His sister and I had a big falling out right before we broke up. He also told me that two of my favorite cats in the whole world are getting put down on Friday and that he figured I wanted to know and that alone about made me lose it. Then he told me he found a scarf of mine.. for some reason I'm thinking he wanted to use that as a reason to see me. But I can't handle that.

I just texted him like 4 hours later and told him to mail it to me. I can't see him. Not yet. Too soon. He asked me if I still hated him. I don't. I could never hate him. I love him. I always will. This is the man that I wanted to marry. To spend the rest of my life with. Why on EARTH would I hate him? He's a wonderful man. And yes, I'm mad at him. I'm mad that he gave up. I'm made that he couldn't give me the chance. I'm mad  that I couldn't fix it. I'm mad that I was stupid and selfish. I'm mad that I couldn't give him what he wanted. I'm mad that his voice still turns me to butter. I'm mad that I can't help but love him. I'm mad that I miss him so much. I'm mad that I can't stop thinking about him. I'm mad that it's so hard for me to get over him. I'm mad that it still hurts and that I'm lonely as hell. I'm mat that I can't fight back the tears. I'm mad that he is the only man on the entire Earth that has this effect on me. I'm mad that I still hurts and I'm mad that this is happening again.

& Then he has to say something like "Well, I'm still here for you if you ever need anything. Just call me."

It tears me apart. I can't take it. I wish I could hate him. I wish so terribly bad that I could hate him. I'd give anything to hate him instead of still love him. Instead of watching him walk away from me still loving him with all that I am. Hating him would be so much easier. Loving him is killing me. It's a slow painful death.. but it's happening all the same.

I thought I was okay, I really did. But then one phone call from him changes everything. His name popping up on the screen of my phone. That one little thing turned my day from fantastic to terrible in 2 seconds. Not because I hate him, but because I love him so much and I can't have him. Because I need him more than anything right now and I can't talk to him about it. I can't go to him with this problem. I'm missing my best friend and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Alright, Asshole

I have been perfectly clear with you from the start, I DO  NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
Simple as that. You chose to still talk to me, and try to hang out with me, and "get to know me" (I know that means "try to get in my pants") and I'm not having it.

I told you multiple times, in the simplest terms I know, that I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to go out on dates with anyone, I don't even want to really talk to a boy let alone "get to know" one.

So this morning, when I told you again for the 100th time that I wanted to make it perfectly clear that we will never be more than friends and that I don't want a relationship you have no right to get angry with me.
I have been straight forward and blunt from the start. Don't come to me telling me that I should work on being honest and up front when CLEARLY I have been and you've just refused to hear what I said. Boys are good at that selective hearing shit. They hear what they want to hear. Not what I actually said.

Anyways, on another note. I had a philosophy test this morning. That was rough, and I studied for it. YAY.
Also.. I forgot to tell you all this but, my valentine's day certainly was interesting.

So I get a call on like Monday of last week and it's my mother.

"Hey honey, just letting you know your father and I are coming to see you on Thursday!"

I was like wait, what? "why?"

"Because it's Valentine's day, your dad and I are coming up for breakfast and we're bringing gifts and what not. Be ready by 7:30 AM. We don't want you to be alone on Valentine's day."

Okay, so my first thought was forever alone. Then is was, my parents are going to be my damn valentines,  and then I thought WTF?! 7:30! Why so early?!

"Mom, why are you gonna be here at 7:30?"

She replies, "Well don't you have a 9:30 class on Thursdays? We wanted to get there in time for us to eat and such."

At this point I'm thinking What day is Thursday? Like, I didn't even know what day it was let alone what classes I had that morning. Geez, my mom knows my week better than I do.

So I was like, "Okay mom."

They came up and had breakfast with me and brought me flowers and chocolate and a teddy bear. And of course Daddy always comes through with some money for his baby girl. I had a fun morning of eating and talking with the rents and then later that night I went on a date that I really didn't even want to go on. But since I'm the only single girl in my group of friends now, everyone get's hooked up with Meghan for blind dates. AWKWARD. Whatever, it was free food. And I didn't have to be "alone" on Valentine's day.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

February 17, 2013

I understood that he didn't want me around anymore. But it made life seem black and white, flat and dimensional. I craved the oxygen and color he brought. He had changed life, and now it just couldn't change back.

When people hurt you over and over, think of them as sandpaper. They scratch and hurt you, but later you'll be shining and polished while they end up useless.

Sometimes it's better to be clueless about what's happening around you than to know every bit of information that would silently kill you.

We’re teenagers. We’re still learning. Shit happens. We cheat, we lie, we criticize, we fight over stupid things. We fall in love and end up getting hurt. We bitch, bitch, bitch. We bitch about bitches being bitches. We party till dawn, we drink till we pass out. We hate people for no reason, we call each other names. We stay up late having deep conversations, or stay up late just to think. We go out and have a kick ass time with our friends and those will be the memories. One day that’s going to all pass. You can waste your time focusing on all the bad things, but one day you’re gonna wish you were still a teenager. So make the most of what you have now, forget all the bullshit and drama and live your life with a sexy smile on your face.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

This is Bad

So.. I think I'm really beginning to move on.
and I'm getting my hopes up over a boy, that I probably shouldn't get my hopes up for. I keep telling myself not to, but it's kinda hard.

I'm really not wanting to get into a relationship either.. so, I don't know.
This is bad, emotions, and the heart are not easy to control all the time.
I feel bad too, I feel guilty for kind of moving on already. He meant so much to me, but I just can't be with him anymore. Why dwell you know?

I wish I could talk to him about this stuff, but I can't. I can't hear his voice, and I'm not gonna be able to just be his friend. There is just way to much history behind us and I had to write this down, even though I know he'll probably read this, but at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more that what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

This is one of those times. My emotions are letting me know that I'm okay, that I don't need him and that I can move on without him. Although, I do kinda feel I probably won't get married.. cause I honestly can't see myself marrying anyone else, but for now, I'm very happy. For once, I'm happy (:

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

What I Thought..

I thought, I was okay. I thought I could handle this and that I was handling this and that I was happy.

But as I sit here in my bed, not being able to sleep with an ache in my chest that I thought was gone, I have come to realize that I'm still not okay. And I know that what I want more than anything in the world is to just be okay again. To be happy. To not want anything for a change. But I find myself sitting here knowing that I'm not okay, that I'm not as happy as I could be and that I'm longing for something that I just can't put my finger on.

It's a weird sensation when you're laying in bed, watching TV and all of a sudden your chest constricts and makes it hard to breathe. You fight back the sudden urge to sob and weep for hours and you feel your chin start to tingle and your eyebrows begin to furrow as you fight back those tears that so desperately want to leave your eyes. Your chest aches, almost to the point of throbbing and then you hit the rock bottom of realization when you know you have no one to call. No one that will come crawl in bed with you and just hold you. No one that will comfort you or rock you to sleep as you sob into their lap.

I thought I was strong, and I admit, I am stronger than last time. But this ache is all too familiar and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to breathe again, and not think of him out of no where. & I am so incredibly exhausted but I'm still not sleeping well. And I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the horrible ache in my chest that threatens to choke the tears out of me.

I haven't cried. Not since the day you left me. I refuse to cry because I know I'm at least stronger than that, but I'm also angry now. I'm angry that it didn't work out between us. I'm angry that no matter what I did it just wasn't enough and I'm angry for letting myself fall again.

I'll tell you what though, I won't let that happen again. Who ever tries to open this heart again is going to have one hell of a time. It's been locked away and there are plenty of walls protecting it now. I hope no one tries because I don't want to be responsible for making someone feel like this. I don't want them to get their hearts destroyed. What good would that do? Turning someone else cold.

I'm in love with a memory, sweet history's got a hold of me. So don't go falling for me now, we could never be, because I'm in love with a memory.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Getting Back into it..

I'm getting my ass back in the gym. Or at least on a regular work out routine. I'm getting a little too flabby for my liking.

Okay, okay, I know a lot of you are going to say "what flab?!" Well when my muscle isn't really muscle anymore I'd call that flab. Yes, I'm still skinny but I'm not doing this to get skinny. I'm going to do this to be more tone and more fit and maybe a little bit stronger physically as well as emotionally.

I'm actually really excited. I don't know if I'm too excited about the aching muscles and hungry stomach, but I am really excited to get that 6 pack body back and my ass to lift up a little bit and maybe to get my ass a little bigger wouldn't help either. My pants don't stay up now because I have no ass to keep them up.

I feel like working out will get my mind off shit as well. I need something to distract me. Like all the time recently. If I'm not doing anything I start to freak out a little bit.

On the other hand, I went to my friend Taylor's Pure Romance party the other night and I got a warming massager and then realized that I don't have anyone to massage me. Great..

But, what boy would object to putting his hands all over a girl. I could go pull someone off the street.. HA! just kidding. That won't be happening. Maybe I'll get one of my girlfriends to give me a massage... HAHA! That one made me laugh a littler harder.

My Work Out Board!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

I'll Find a Way

I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

52 Week (week 3)

So, my jar is starting to look promising, even though I only have about $9.31

The reason I have $9.31 instead of $6.00 according to the chart is because when I have excess change or a random dollar floating around, I'll go ahead and throw it in my jar. It's starting to really add up. Also, I'm very impatient so when I have money that I can save, I go ahead and through it in the jar as well. I want this 52 weeks to go by fast or if anything at the end of my 52 weeks I'll have more than I'm supposed to.

I'm also trying to save up to maybe get extensions because I'm tired of my hair being short, so I might break into my saving after a while. Who knows what will happen. But I'm not just saving here, I'm putting money in my bank account too. You can never save enough. Life happens sometimes, you gotta be able to handle it. I'm also tired of having my mom pay for everything when it comes to my schooling so I'm doing this to help her out as well.

I really encourage everyone to try this, it's actually kind of fun to watch your jar fill up and it makes you feel good being able to have that money there if you need it. I'm trying not to need this particular means of money, but sometimes shit happens.

Have fun saving everyone!

my jar, you can see the money in the bottom of it now

top view of my jar. YAY money, money, money!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Realization

So, I realized today that I totally do not need a man in my life (except for my daddy, every girl needs one of those)..

I realized that I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I realized that, even though I hate to say it, Alex was right. I wasn't happy in that relationship because he was unhappy and I think in my unconscious I knew he was unhappy but I just didn't want to admit it.

I mean shit, I've got a lot going for me right now. I'm in college, working towards the degree that I've wanted since I can't remember and I'm working my ass off to make my life better in the future. I've got great friends when I actually have the opportunity to hang out with them and I've got two pretty amazing jobs. Hopefully God will bless me with a summer camp job over the summer. The one I've been praying about, at Camp Woodmont. That would be such a fantastic way to spend a summer.

I'm doing well in school and at my work and with babysitting, why on Earth would I possibly need or even want a man for that matter. I'm fine on my own and I've got my bunny and great friends to keep me company. I love my life, honestly I don't think at this point that I'd have it any other way.

Honestly, Sometimes there are people who come into your life and leave a permanent mark. They paint your soul different colors and change the way you see the world. And when they leave, you realize that somewhere along the way you lost yourself. You don't even know who you are anymore, because they made you into something completely different. I don't miss him, I miss myself. I thought I knew myself, and I did before he came back into my life. I didn't realize that I was missing this person. This strong independent person. This girl who push through so much shit, this girl who is her own superhero. I am so much stronger than I made myself out to be.

I feel fantastic. My heart isn't really achy any more and I'm okay with being by myself. His name and the memory of him doesn't hurt any more. I'm surprised by how easily or fast that I go over him, but at the same time I feel good. I know we weren't in a healthy relationship and I know we were unhappy. It looks like we both are now, so this had to have been for the best. I hope he has a good life and accomplishes everything he wants to.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

A Little Bit Stronger

Alex,

When I woke up this morning my chest wasn't aching as badly as the past few mornings. I actually got to sleep last night as well. Although I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning, I slept until after 12 this afternoon.

I finally invested in some curtains like we always talked about. It keeps it pretty dark in here. I also got a sleep mask which helps as well. I still can't sleep unless I feel like someone is here with me so I keep the TV on at night, I know that's so weird because normally I can't sleep with it on but it's the only thing that seems to be helping me.

Grant Newman, do you remember him? He's starting to become one of my very good friends. You don't know this, but the night you broke up with me I drove out to Alabama after talking to you at 3AM and stayed with him. I couldn't stand to be alone and that seemed to be the only solution. He comforted me the most he can and he tried to keep my mind off things but nothing really helped. I cried myself to sleep that night and the next night and the next night and last night.

The pain in my chest is turning into numbness. I don't cry at the drop of a hat or the bat of an eyelash anymore. I feel nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, and the occasional ache in my chest are all that I feel right now. It hurts to laugh because I think about all the times we'd get the giggles right before falling asleep and I remember the time in the car when we just kept saying "Merica" in the most retarded voices and it makes the pain in my chest grow stronger and my lungs start to cave in and my eyes start to water and I begin to sob all over again.

I miss you more than anything right now. I miss being able to call you and talk to you about anything. I miss the comfort that only you could give me and the comfort that I so badly need right now that I just can't have. I miss your touch and your kiss and your smell. I miss your smile and your fantastic hazel eyes and I miss your warmth. I can't seem to get warm and I think I'm dropping weight because I can't eat anything. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's that I'm not hungry. I try to eat and then I get it in my mouth and I just want to spit it all out.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to make this feeling of loneliness and despair go away, you used to be the one who could do that to me. Now you're gone. My best friend has left me in the dust.

But I'm getting stronger day-by-day and I'm so happy that I know how to handle myself this time around. It makes it easier to go on. It makes the struggle not so cumbersome. It still hurts all the same, but I know what comes next and I know how to manage and I know how to keep going even though all I want to do is stay in bed curled up in a ball. 

 

I know it's country, but it's so good.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

52 Week Money Challenge

So, I came across a fantastic way to save money. But I will need help keeping it up. It's called the 52 week challenge. The first week you put one dollar in, the second week two dollars so you then have three dollars, the third week, three dollars so the total balance would be six dollars, etc.

I'm really excited because at the end of fifty-two weeks I should have over $1300. The great thing is, if I have an emergency anywhere between there I will have a little money saves up and I can always start over.

It'll be a challenge for me not to touch the savings jar that I'm keeping it in. I have a problem with saving money. I don't make a lot to begin with so whenever I do get a hold of money it usually disappears pretty quickly. Groceries, my bunny, gas, life.. everything costs so much money now days.

At the end of this post I'll put a picture of what the chart looks like. I should be able to post weekly with what my jar looks like. At this point I have both the first and second week taken care of. I'm really excited to see if I have the will power to do this.

The 52 Week Challenge Calendar

My Decorated Mason Jar to Hold Everything

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Broken Hearted

Well, if you hadn't noticed, my boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday. I'm  a bit heartbroken and I'm not handling this too well. Better than last time, but it still hurts all the same, so I decided that I am going to write to him every time I think of him and let him know how I feel and how I'm doing. So here goes nothing.

Dear Alex,
I love you. More than you'll ever know. I know I've messed up in the past. I know that I wasn't perfect and that I'm not perfect, but I'll tell you what.. I did love you and I still do very much.

These past couple days have been rough. Not being able to talk to you, or text you, or be held by you have not been easy and I'm not talking to you because I don't want to. Believe me, I do, more than anything. I'm not talking to you because I can't. I cannot do that to myself. I cannot hear your voice or think about the possibility of being with you. I miss you too much and my heart is aching.

I cry every day, and I can't sleep. The thought of food is sickening and even though I choke it down, I automatically want to puke it up. My stomach can't handle anything. I can't handle anything right now. The smallest thing sets me off, a memory will cross my mind and I lose it all over again. I can't handle being alone right now, but I have to be. All my friends have boyfriends and I don't really want to be around them. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is Doc 'cause I know he needs me, yet every time I look at him it hurts because he reminds me of you.

My heart aches but that's all I'm feeling besides loneliness. I'm numb. I don't react to things the way I should. I don't laugh because it reminds me of all the laughter we shared together. I miss you more than anything right now. I haven't taken off my necklace or my bracelet and every time I look down at my hands I see that tattoo that matches yours on my wrist. I think about getting it removed or going to Wal-Mart and buying that tattoo fading kit but then I think I can't get rid of it, because then I'll get rid of you. I'll forget about your touch and the way your lips felt. I'll forget your smell and just leave your memory in the dust.

I know that isn't realistic because I know that I will never be able to forget about you. You were my first. My first love. My first everything. I will never forget you, and I will never stop loving you. No matter what, you will always have a place in my heart. ALWAYS. No matter if I like it or not. No matter how much you've hurt me.

I hope you're happy now. Really I do, I want nothing but for you to be happy. I just wish it was me that could make you happy. But, you've made it clear that I won't be able to. I meant it though, when I said I would never be yours again. I meant it, because even if we did get back together, who's to say this won't happen again? I couldn't take this another time. I'm barely handling it now.

- Meghan.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.