Broken Hearted

Well, if you hadn't noticed, my boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday. I'm  a bit heartbroken and I'm not handling this too well. Better than last time, but it still hurts all the same, so I decided that I am going to write to him every time I think of him and let him know how I feel and how I'm doing. So here goes nothing.

Dear Alex,
I love you. More than you'll ever know. I know I've messed up in the past. I know that I wasn't perfect and that I'm not perfect, but I'll tell you what.. I did love you and I still do very much.

These past couple days have been rough. Not being able to talk to you, or text you, or be held by you have not been easy and I'm not talking to you because I don't want to. Believe me, I do, more than anything. I'm not talking to you because I can't. I cannot do that to myself. I cannot hear your voice or think about the possibility of being with you. I miss you too much and my heart is aching.

I cry every day, and I can't sleep. The thought of food is sickening and even though I choke it down, I automatically want to puke it up. My stomach can't handle anything. I can't handle anything right now. The smallest thing sets me off, a memory will cross my mind and I lose it all over again. I can't handle being alone right now, but I have to be. All my friends have boyfriends and I don't really want to be around them. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is Doc 'cause I know he needs me, yet every time I look at him it hurts because he reminds me of you.

My heart aches but that's all I'm feeling besides loneliness. I'm numb. I don't react to things the way I should. I don't laugh because it reminds me of all the laughter we shared together. I miss you more than anything right now. I haven't taken off my necklace or my bracelet and every time I look down at my hands I see that tattoo that matches yours on my wrist. I think about getting it removed or going to Wal-Mart and buying that tattoo fading kit but then I think I can't get rid of it, because then I'll get rid of you. I'll forget about your touch and the way your lips felt. I'll forget your smell and just leave your memory in the dust.

I know that isn't realistic because I know that I will never be able to forget about you. You were my first. My first love. My first everything. I will never forget you, and I will never stop loving you. No matter what, you will always have a place in my heart. ALWAYS. No matter if I like it or not. No matter how much you've hurt me.

I hope you're happy now. Really I do, I want nothing but for you to be happy. I just wish it was me that could make you happy. But, you've made it clear that I won't be able to. I meant it though, when I said I would never be yours again. I meant it, because even if we did get back together, who's to say this won't happen again? I couldn't take this another time. I'm barely handling it now.

- Meghan.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.