When I woke up this morning my chest wasn't aching as badly as the past few mornings. I actually got to sleep last night as well. Although I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning, I slept until after 12 this afternoon.
I finally invested in some curtains like we always talked about. It keeps it pretty dark in here. I also got a sleep mask which helps as well. I still can't sleep unless I feel like someone is here with me so I keep the TV on at night, I know that's so weird because normally I can't sleep with it on but it's the only thing that seems to be helping me.
Grant Newman, do you remember him? He's starting to become one of my very good friends. You don't know this, but the night you broke up with me I drove out to Alabama after talking to you at 3AM and stayed with him. I couldn't stand to be alone and that seemed to be the only solution. He comforted me the most he can and he tried to keep my mind off things but nothing really helped. I cried myself to sleep that night and the next night and the next night and last night.
The pain in my chest is turning into numbness. I don't cry at the drop of a hat or the bat of an eyelash anymore. I feel nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, and the occasional ache in my chest are all that I feel right now. It hurts to laugh because I think about all the times we'd get the giggles right before falling asleep and I remember the time in the car when we just kept saying "Merica" in the most retarded voices and it makes the pain in my chest grow stronger and my lungs start to cave in and my eyes start to water and I begin to sob all over again.
I miss you more than anything right now. I miss being able to call you and talk to you about anything. I miss the comfort that only you could give me and the comfort that I so badly need right now that I just can't have. I miss your touch and your kiss and your smell. I miss your smile and your fantastic hazel eyes and I miss your warmth. I can't seem to get warm and I think I'm dropping weight because I can't eat anything. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's that I'm not hungry. I try to eat and then I get it in my mouth and I just want to spit it all out.
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to make this feeling of loneliness and despair go away, you used to be the one who could do that to me. Now you're gone. My best friend has left me in the dust.
But I'm getting stronger day-by-day and I'm so happy that I know how to handle myself this time around. It makes it easier to go on. It makes the struggle not so cumbersome. It still hurts all the same, but I know what comes next and I know how to manage and I know how to keep going even though all I want to do is stay in bed curled up in a ball.
I know it's country, but it's so good.
This is life, and I'm gonna live it.
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