My heart about came out of my chest, and I immediately wanted to throw up. I didn't even know what to do with myself. So I answered. And the moment I heard his voice I had to fight back tears. I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't know why he needed to torture me like that. Why couldn't he had just texted me? I can handle a text message.
Anyway, he told me that he was sorry for everything that went down with me and Ali. His sister and I had a big falling out right before we broke up. He also told me that two of my favorite cats in the whole world are getting put down on Friday and that he figured I wanted to know and that alone about made me lose it. Then he told me he found a scarf of mine.. for some reason I'm thinking he wanted to use that as a reason to see me. But I can't handle that.
I just texted him like 4 hours later and told him to mail it to me. I can't see him. Not yet. Too soon. He asked me if I still hated him. I don't. I could never hate him. I love him. I always will. This is the man that I wanted to marry. To spend the rest of my life with. Why on EARTH would I hate him? He's a wonderful man. And yes, I'm mad at him. I'm mad that he gave up. I'm made that he couldn't give me the chance. I'm mad that I couldn't fix it. I'm mad that I was stupid and selfish. I'm mad that I couldn't give him what he wanted. I'm mad that his voice still turns me to butter. I'm mad that I can't help but love him. I'm mad that I miss him so much. I'm mad that I can't stop thinking about him. I'm mad that it's so hard for me to get over him. I'm mad that it still hurts and that I'm lonely as hell. I'm mat that I can't fight back the tears. I'm mad that he is the only man on the entire Earth that has this effect on me. I'm mad that I still hurts and I'm mad that this is happening again.
& Then he has to say something like "Well, I'm still here for you if you ever need anything. Just call me."
It tears me apart. I can't take it. I wish I could hate him. I wish so terribly bad that I could hate him. I'd give anything to hate him instead of still love him. Instead of watching him walk away from me still loving him with all that I am. Hating him would be so much easier. Loving him is killing me. It's a slow painful death.. but it's happening all the same.
I thought I was okay, I really did. But then one phone call from him changes everything. His name popping up on the screen of my phone. That one little thing turned my day from fantastic to terrible in 2 seconds. Not because I hate him, but because I love him so much and I can't have him. Because I need him more than anything right now and I can't talk to him about it. I can't go to him with this problem. I'm missing my best friend and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.
This is life, and I'm gonna live it.
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