What I Thought..

I thought, I was okay. I thought I could handle this and that I was handling this and that I was happy.

But as I sit here in my bed, not being able to sleep with an ache in my chest that I thought was gone, I have come to realize that I'm still not okay. And I know that what I want more than anything in the world is to just be okay again. To be happy. To not want anything for a change. But I find myself sitting here knowing that I'm not okay, that I'm not as happy as I could be and that I'm longing for something that I just can't put my finger on.

It's a weird sensation when you're laying in bed, watching TV and all of a sudden your chest constricts and makes it hard to breathe. You fight back the sudden urge to sob and weep for hours and you feel your chin start to tingle and your eyebrows begin to furrow as you fight back those tears that so desperately want to leave your eyes. Your chest aches, almost to the point of throbbing and then you hit the rock bottom of realization when you know you have no one to call. No one that will come crawl in bed with you and just hold you. No one that will comfort you or rock you to sleep as you sob into their lap.

I thought I was strong, and I admit, I am stronger than last time. But this ache is all too familiar and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to breathe again, and not think of him out of no where. & I am so incredibly exhausted but I'm still not sleeping well. And I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the horrible ache in my chest that threatens to choke the tears out of me.

I haven't cried. Not since the day you left me. I refuse to cry because I know I'm at least stronger than that, but I'm also angry now. I'm angry that it didn't work out between us. I'm angry that no matter what I did it just wasn't enough and I'm angry for letting myself fall again.

I'll tell you what though, I won't let that happen again. Who ever tries to open this heart again is going to have one hell of a time. It's been locked away and there are plenty of walls protecting it now. I hope no one tries because I don't want to be responsible for making someone feel like this. I don't want them to get their hearts destroyed. What good would that do? Turning someone else cold.

I'm in love with a memory, sweet history's got a hold of me. So don't go falling for me now, we could never be, because I'm in love with a memory.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.