December 12, 2013

It seems as though the only time I ever have to write now is when I'm taking a study break.

This whole college thing is literally killing me. I have slept maybe a total of 13 hours this week. It's ridiculous that professors think that this amount of work is okay, let alone healthy, for college students. Its' like they regret to think about the mere fact that college students take more than one class a semester. If any of them are like me, the take at least four or five.

I'm drowning in the ocean of criminal justice technical terms and jargon as well as french verbs, reflexive pronouns, adjectives, and grammatical structures of sentences. Oh, you simply can't forget my oral communication's assignments either. My cover letter and resume for the fake job I am applying for. Can you believe the audacity of this woman? We can make one mistake on either of them and make an A, two mistakes costs you two whole letter grades and degrades you to a C, and anything more than that, you fail. It's insane. Oh, and we have an impromptu speech to give in class that is going to be considered our final exam. HOORAY!

I'm dying. Studying... Stu-dying. Yeah, it's true. I can't even think straight anymore. I don't know how to count or even spell my name at this point. Needless to say, this semester's finals might be the death of me.

On another note, my love life is incredible.
I've met someone absolutely amazing. I can't remember at this instance if I have written about him or not but, his name is David Allen Holcomb and he's fantastic. And I know I've said this about former boyfriends, and I know I have said that as well, but he's truly an amazing man. He's kind, and generous, and self-less, and funny, and smart, and he has ambitions, and goals, and he loves me. Me. Of all people, he chose me. Why? I still don't quite know. But at this point, this very well could be the man I marry.

I talked to Alex not long ago. He said he still loves me. I've had a hard time dealing with this. David is such a marvelous person but of course, Alex will always have some pull on my heart. I'm trying my hardest to ignore it, because I know he's not good for me. For one, our families hate each other, two, he is living in Ohio now, and thirdly, we have so much history there is no possible way we could ever have a healthy relationship at this point. As much as I wanted it in the past, after finding David, I kind of don't. No, I really don't. I have a wonderful relationship with an unbelievable man. I'm not going to mess that up. I haven't even talked to Alex since he revealed that to me. I don't know how to.. but it is hard to just ignore.

I will for now though. I don't plan on losing or leaving David at all, but as everyone know, there is no telling what the future may hold. Who knows what will happen? There are endless possibilities, but I honest to God hope that David is a constant part of my future.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Study Nights

11:30 Popped a Vyvance because I know it's the only way I'll make it through the four chapters of Criminal Justice that I have to study tonight for our test tomorrow that I did not know about until 3:00am last night.

I am so incredibly stressed out by the work load I have decided to take on this semester. I'm regretting how many hours I have signed up for because with my work schedule being what it is, I know deep down that I can't handle this amount of work.

But, I have decided that at this point, 6 hours into my studying, I don't think I can take in any more information. I honestly don't think my mind can hold that much in one sitting. I'm drowning in the words of Criminal Justice that I'm reading. I have literally gotten tot he point that I am just skimming the pages and finding key words and hoping to GOD that I remember them. I think at this point, I should get at least a C on the test and that's good enough for me.

I wish more than anything that David could be with me right now. I know that his touch and the feel of his lips on my skin are really the only things that could calm me down and relieve some of the stress that has found a permanent residence on my shoulders. But, like always he's at work right now. This "third shift" of his is killing me little bit by little bit. I cannot stand going to bed alone every night, yet I do. I cannot stand him being a sleep while I'm awake or vice versa, yet I do. I miss him with every ounce of my being and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I think it's the feeling of helplessness that I can't stand the most. The fact no matter what I do, his schedule, nor my schedule will change. NO matter how bad I want it to.

Sure, he's looking for a new job. But how long will it take for him to find one, get an interview, and start that new job? He hasn't even started the looking process because he can't. He barely has the time for me let alone looking for another job with his current schedule the way that it is. He work 7:00pm-7:00am 5 days a week. He has two days off and one of those days he spends sleeping or literally so sleep deprived that he becomes a different person. Lost in his mind, or grumpy from lack of sleep.

I am falling hard for him, and I want to prove to him that I can stick this out and that we'll make it through this, but it's getting harder day by day and honestly, I don't know how much more of the being away from him I can take. But, if I leave him how will that solve anything? It won't, cause it'll just take away those fleeting instances where I see the real him and revel in his presence. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

What an Adventure

Michael, Michael, Michael...

He's incredible & he doesn't even know it. He drives me up the wall in the most fantastic ways. I wish he could see how amazing he is. I just wish he would let me in more. He has a reason that he doesn't, and I understand it completely. That horrible girl fucked him up.

I wish he could have met me before her. I wish I could have made him fall in love with me, before he fell for her and before she manipulated him in the most horrible ways. For a woman to do that to a man or another human being in general is insanely inconsiderate and down right terrible. She is a disgusting person. I just don't understand how someone can do that to another human being. I don't understand how she doesn't feel guilty or horrible about it either.

I hope she gets a taste of her own medicine one day. I hope she falls head over heals for a man and then gets completely destroyed. I know that's bad of me, but I don't care. She hurt this incredible man that I love, in a most terrible way. I hope her conscience eats her alive from the inside out.

Michael, I don't know how many times I can tell you this, but you are amazing and you make me happy in so many ways. Talk to me, let me in.. I will not hurt you. I will not break your heart. I will not destroy you like she did. I'm different. Do not be afraid of me, or of yourself with me. Just let me love you, and you love me in return. Let me hold you, let me tell you everything will be alright and just believe me. Let me care for you, and be there for you always. Trust me with your heart, I will not harm it in anyway. I just want to love you and care for you, and be with you. I just want to be your everything and let you be mine.

I know it will take time, and I am willing to wait. I know he'll let me in when he's ready, but I just want him to know these things, and I know he says he trusts me with everything, but at the same time I feel like he's holding back. I know he's got good reason, but I want him to be able to come to me with ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I know I need to be patient and I will be, it's just I want him so bad, in more ways than one. And even after all this, I wouldn't change a hair on his head. He's perfect in all his imperfections, he's incredible and I love everything about him.

On another note, I took him home to meet my parents last night. And they like him. My best friend does too and that's a big accomplishment. If she didn't like him, he'd be having some issues. She is 9 months pregnant and about ready to pop in the next few weeks to few days. I'm excited for her, but at the same time I'm worried as well. But, of course, I'll support her with anything and everything.

I'm so incredibly happy all the time right now and it's fantastic. I guess the college years really are the best years of your life, and they are quite the adventure as well. It helps that I have Michael around as well.

My Man <3

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Ahh, Summer Time

It's weird, living in your college town during the summer. I mean think about it, you come here to go to school and that's it, but when you live here it's different. This is now your town. Your life is here now, the only thing back home are a few friends and your family. And If you're like me, you don't really want to go home because you risk the chance of seeing your ex-boyfriend.

Even thought I'm happy, and even though I hate to admit it, he still takes a toll on my mind every now and then. I do think of him, and how he's doing and if he's happy. But I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want to hear about him or whether or not he's dating someone or anything like that.. I just wish him well.

This summer holds a crazy amount of potential to be wonderful. I'm hoping and praying that it will turn out to be everything that I hope it will. I have plans, and work, and a boy. This boy is turning my world upside down. It's fantastic. I never thought I would feel like this again, I never thought I would experience butterflies when someone kissed me again, and I have with him. It's amazing and terrifying at the same time. Because with everything he already knows about me, he has the ability to break me, and he knows it. But I honestly think I have the same ability to do to him and I think he knows it as well. I don't know about him, but I'm falling hard and fast like I usually do but this time is different. I don't know how, but it is. I can just tell.

It's completely insane the effect he has on me. He drives me crazy in the most incredible ways and I honestly cannot get enough of him, I just hope I don't annoy him. I hope that I have the same effect on him. I hope he likes me just as much as I like him and this confusion is starting to bother me a bit, but I'll be patient and let him come to me. I will be here for him through whatever. I will. I'm his, and he makes me really happy. He's mine. It's perfect.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

This is Complete Bullshit

#fiftyshadesofdonewiththissemester
I am so incredibly exhausted, that I honestly do not know how I am continuing to live at this point. I'm annoyed by everything and all the Biology that I am studying is not even sticking in my mind anymore. I literally cannot look at my notes anymore because they look like nothing but hieroglyphics. I am incredibly thankful for Zeb tonight for helping me retain my sanity. Without him, I would have had a complete breakdown by now considering I've been studying biology for over 6 hours now.

I have my last final exam in lest than two hours and I have been awake since ten yesterday morning. Not to mention, I'm running off of four and a half hours of sleep because of the fact that I didn't go to sleep that night until 5:30AM because my boyfriend was over and you know what that means... He is such a bad influence on me, but I love it. At least I know I have responsibilities and I see them through, just not always in the best possible manner for me. Oops, oh well.

They say that college is supposed to be the best years of your life, but I have yet to see that aspect of these past two years and the three to come. I have constantly been over-stressed, lacking sleep, over-intoxicated, and malnourished. Over-stressed, from all the school work, having to maintain high grades, and work for a living because I don't have the luxury of my parents paying for everything unlike some people I know. Lacking sleep, because honestly with my schedule, who has time to sleep? Over-intoxicated because every moment I get, I try to sustain a healthy social life and in college, that means PARTY! Malnourished, because with my pay check and tips, it's still not enough to pay the bills, pay for my rabbit, pay for my gas, and maintain healthy eating habits.

The struggle is real. College life is no stroll in the park. I don't know how society expects us to make it through this alive. Now that I'm close to the end of finals, meaning I have ONE MORE FUCKING TEST TO GO, I feel like I'm crawling out of a cave of textbooks and online notes. I am literally crawling/stumbling to the finish line and I can already taste pina colada on my lips, and feel the sun hitting my skin as summer is seriously right around the corner. I'm so excited it's unreal.

I am expecting this summer to be full of love, fun, alcohol, works, sleep and just some good ol' fashioned relaxation. Even though my summer starts today, right after my 8AM test, it cannot get here soon enough. I'm so ready! Summer 2013, I have high expectations for you, please live up to them..

-Much love.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

bleh

School is killing me.
point blank.

& hash tags are taking over my mind...
we had a little bit of a crazy time tonight studying.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

So Incredibly Done with School

So, as I sit here with Zeb Ott, studying for some of my final exams that are coming up next week... I have come to the conclusion that I am so incredibly sick and tired of school. I wish with all that I am that I could take a semester off to work and save up some money so I could concentrate more on school in semester I return than on making money to live and eat and survive and make sure my rabbit has food as well.

We are both to the point that we just want to say, "FUCK THIS!" to every single class we are studying for, drop out, and live off the damn land. I'm in desperate need of keeping my Hope Scholarship if I want to continue with school and I am dangerously close to losing it with my grades this semester. I'm just praying to at least PASS my class this semester. After spring break my brain went to jello and hasn't returned to a stable learning state yet. I just have so much going on. I have 15 hour school weeks not to mention 30-40 hour work weeks and it's beginning to literally kill me, mentally and physically. I am drained constantly and it's so hard to stay on top of it all, not to mention I have a boyfriend I am juggling now too. I don't understand how colleges expect us to take these class loads and then work for a living on top of it all and graduate within four years. It's friggin' impossible. They make college incredibly expensive and unless your mommy and daddy can afford to pay for every single thing you need, a girl's gotta work to live, try to go to class, and keep her grades up ALL while eating and trying to get some sleep and some of a social life and feed her rabbit. Not to mention, if you don't get at least your bachelor's degree there is no way in hell you'll be able to be successful in the future. Even now, it's hard to get a job with a bachelor's degree more and more companies and careers are requiring you to go even further in your education and get your masters or doctorate's. How in the world do they expect you to be able to afford all this fresh out of high school? Society is insane.

I am drowning in stress, in school work, and in my job, yet I continue to get distracted because I just don't want to do this studying or work. I want to make money so I can stop stressing so much about not having it and then go into more studying but I highly doubt my parents will go for that. Unless I can convince my mom into saving for a semester and then going back. It might work.. who knows. I'll have a conversation with her about it soon.

anyways here are my main distractions for the night:
WARNING: they are hilarious!

40 'Mean Girls' Quotes That Make Everyday Life Worth Living

You must watch the video, and read every single quote. By the end of each of these, I was crying from laughter.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Perfection

per·fec·tion  

/pərˈfekSHən/
The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

Isn't perfection what the everyone strives for? There's no such thing though, and it's relative to the person. Although my life is a little hectic, and chaotic, and at times, stressful, I wouldn't change it for the world. Everything is falling into place and it couldn't be a more opportune time for it. So yes, I'd say my life it perfect right now. Let me list out everything that is going good:
1. New Job (I roll in money EVERY TIME I work)
2. New Boyfriend (he's amazing. he makes me super happy)
3. New Boyfriend about to start at New Job (I got him and his brother new jobs)
4. Schools' almost over for summer (I really need to check up on my grades)
5. Old friends are coming back into my life

I don't think I could ask for anything more at the moment. Maybe to see my family and boyfriend a little more.. but that's okay. I'll see them soon enough.

I am so incredibly happy lately that even a co-worker said something to me the other day. Devin, our bartender, came up to me and asked me how my new relationship was going and of course I told him that it was doing fantastic and he said "I can tell, you kind of have a glow about you lately." That tells you how happy I am. I'm so happy and smiley all the time that I'm glowing. A little weird, but cool. My life couldn't be any better at this point and I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for all of this good that's been happeninf to me. Now.. if only I can save up enough, Michael and I are going on a cruise in October for my 21st birthday!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Falling Into Place

Isn't it incredible how fast things can change? How quick your feelings for someone develop or dissipate?

Just three short months ago, my world came crumbling down, or at least I thought it had. My long term boyfriend, the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, broke up with me. I was hurt, and broken and thought that I would never recover from it.

I did. I've become stronger and happier. I've decided that I'll never be broken like that again. I've also learned that it was meant to happen. I'm glad it did, even though I've lost someone that was once so close to me, I've learned to be a better person from that experience. I've also learned that we've changed. The people we once were no longer exist. I think we've grown apart and are heading in completely different directions away from each other and that the distance was just too much for us.

I've learned that the old saying, "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together," is true. I thought my world had ended but in reality, a new beginning had started. A month later, I started hanging out with Michael and started forgetting about my feelings for Alex. We have a little bit of a past, but nothing ever amounted to anything and I liked him last year and had to walk away from him. Well, we rekindled things and it was immediately different than last year. Emotions were stronger and developed fast for each other. Now, just two short months later we are dating, and happy. He tells me things he hasn't told anyone and he really enjoys spending time with me and I really enjoy spending time with him and I know that eventually I'll be able to share things with him that I haven't trusted anyone else with. Sure, we'll have our differences and things to work through, but I think we can do it, and I think we'll become something incredible. I now have a new job serving at the Ruby Tuesday in Newnan and I'm still going to school at the University of my dreams.

I am at a fantastic point in my life, and it seems like things are just falling into place so easily now. So, maybe Alex breaking up with me was a good thing. Actually, no, I know it was a good thing because it's absolutely incredible how happy I am right now. I haven't been able to stop smiling in days. I'm so giddy with joy it's like I'm a little kid again.

Before, I know I was in a depression. And I hate to say this, but I'm beginning to think that being with Alex was putting me in it because ever since Michael and I started talking, I have not had one of those days or an episode yet. Being away from Alex, and wanting to be with him and being so lonely here took its toll on me. But now, I'm so happy it's not even funny. I smile constantly and I don't have days where I can't move out of bed or feel sad and break down for no reason. Michael has really helped me and I'm extremely thankful for him.

I'm really excited to see where things will take me. Michael and I have already decided that we're going to Disney world soon because he's never been. Time to start saving and get really excited!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

I'm Going Down Swinging

So, I think I've got some shit I need to get off my chest because It's aching today and it hasn't done this in a while. I've been really good about all this, but today for some reason it's hard. Maybe it's because I'm starting a new job today, and I'm really excited about it and I can't share that with him like I used to be able to..

I don't know, I'm missing him today. So much that my emotions are threatening to choke some tears out of me, and I can't have that. Not today. Today, I have too much shit riding on the fact that my emotions have to be in check and I have to put on a pretty smiling face. I'm serving at Ruby Tuesday now. Image and attitude are everything.

But I want to be able to talk to him, or maybe not him. I think I'm missing being that close to someone more than actually missing HIM. But at the same time, I do miss him too. But I'm also beginning to think that this break up might have been for the best. I realized when I went home this weekend, that I have nothing in Snellville anymore. My life is here, in Carrollton. My friends are here, my job is here, my school is here, my apartment is here. That only things back home was Alex, and my parents. And now, Alex is moving, so even he isn't there anymore. My life has moved and my priorities are changing, and I'm thinking that my mom is right, that I'm outgrowing him. Our ambitions don't line up anymore and we're not helping each other exceed any more. I feel like we were holding each other back. Not to mention our relationship is so incredibly damaged it's not even funny. And two people can only take so much shit before they can't take it anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, I think we have reached that point.

I'd give anything to have him the way I did in high school. To have that intense, crazy, out of this world, first love feeling but as much as I hate it, I know that won't come back again. We're too broken. We're too hurt. I'm too hurt. How could be possible fix all that has happened between us? There's just no way. So, maybe it's best that I just move on and leave all we had and him in my past. As good as that sounds and as much as I'd like to be able to do that, I know myself well enough to know that there is no way that I'll just be able to leave him in my past. He's a part of me. He's helped create the person I am today. He'll always be apart of me and whether I like it or not, I will always love him. No matter what. And I still miss him. Everyday I miss him.

And here are the tears I've been fighting back. I can't hold the dam any longer. My chest aches because I miss him so much. I hate that he can do this to me. I'm mad at him. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm mad that he gave up on me. HE WALKED AWAY AND GAVE UP ON ME! HE BROKE UP WITH ME and LEFT ME. He did this to me again. And I know he said he didn't mean anything he said but he wouldn't have said them if they didn't have some truth. He's never been one to lie to me. He gave up on me. He told me I couldn't make him happy anymore. He told me that being with me would never make him happy. So I'm done. If I can't make him happy, than I hope he meets someone who can. I just can't watch it happen. It will kill me.

I will find happiness again. I won't let him break me like he did before. Yeah, I'm hurt. I'm hurting.. but I will not remain this way like I did before. I will recover and I will accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. I will be successful and I will enjoy my life. I will meet someone, someone like him and someone different than him as well, and I will love him with everything that I am and I will marry him and we will live happily every after. I don't know when that will be, but  IT WILL HAPPEN. I REFUSE TO BE UNHAPPY. I will make it through this, and I will come out stronger and better than ever before. I can do this.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Uh Oh

So, I did something stupid. As usual.

I've been home since Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon. Well, being the stupid girl that I am, I had Alex come over to spend the night with me two nights in a row. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm realizing, that yeah, he means a lot to me, but I think I might be done. Like, we've been through too much. I'm tired. I am tired of being in a relationship. I'm tired of the stress of being away from someone while I'm at school. I'm tired of having to make someone else happy, when I'm having a hard enough time making myself happy.

I hate being home, but at the same time, I might have needed this. I needed to see where my head was. I have been out of my mind with boredom, but I've gotten a lot of thinking time in. It's helped my realize some things. Maybe some things I didn't really want to realize, but all the same, it's been a good thing.

I'm realizing that I'm happy on my own. I like being by myself. I like being away from the stress of having a spouse. I'm too busy to have anything serious. It's not like I'm completely against relationships, but I'm definitely not looking for one. I'm not looking for anything, but if something were to happen, I might go for it.. I don't know. I just know that I'm done running, yet, I'm not looking for anything. I think I'm just gonna sit still for a while and be happy.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Trouble

“think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories; it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said, or anything he did ― it was the feeling that came along with it. Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, 'How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?' Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me.” 

 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

On My Own

So, even though I'm drowning in psychology homework, I feel like I need to write. I feel like I need to get things off my chest and analyze where I am in my life right now.

Nick has helped me realize that I'm in a very confusing state in my life right now. It's a little crazy how confusing it really is. I want someone to lay with me while I'm healing myself, but I want to do this alone. I like being with a guy, but yet I hate it at the same time. I know what I want, but I don't as well..

I don't even know what to think.
All I know, is there's this guy and I'm kinda infatuated with him and I want to know where it will go, but I don't at the same time. I want to date him, but I don't. I'm scared to date him. I'm scared. So how the hell could I make him or anyone else happy for that matter if I'm terrified of pursuing it?

I think about Alex still too, I mean.. He wants me back. How do I handle that? I'm not sure of anything with him anymore. We've been through so much already and I've told him that I need time and space, yet he calls or texts me everyday. I mean yeah, I like his friendship, but I can't think.

I over analyze everything. I over think everything. I take text messages and decipher every line. I think about the words I've heard throughout the day, and I try to make up my mind if I should believe them or not. I give good advice, but I don't take it for myself. I don't want to get hurt again. I think that's the real issue. I am so terrified of being broken again that I've become cold, and hard to get to know because I don't let anyone in. I have a hard time opening up, but I don't want to freeze over either.

Do you see how sporadic this entree is? I can't even make up my mind about what I want to fucking write about, let alone my life. I need help, but I'm too stubborn to ask for it, because I don't want it. It's okay. I'll do this on my own. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Where Hope Lives

If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't wast time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. & if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simple take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Understanding World

Recently I have been debating whether or not I really want to continue perusing the field of psychology. I couldn't put my finger on why I wanted to go into it in the first place. Sure, I took a class in high school and fell in love with it, but why did I fall in love with it? Today, I've been working on my psychology homework and we're writing a paper in that class about a topic that will eventually evolve into out senior project.

But I was sitting there, pondering what the hell I would talk about and then I started wondering why I really went into studying and majoring in psychology in the first place. I realized it's because I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they are in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up in the morning and have forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I fall in love with their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with the breakdowns and their smeared make up and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.

Every day, I witness these events and I wonder why people do what they do. I wonder , "how are they feeling right now?" I've been through some of these things, all of these things, but is it the same for them as it was for me? Psychology teaches humility, it teaches you to be humble, understanding, kind, truthful and not just with others, but with yourself too. It helps you to become a better person and to be all you can be. It shows you that those "disorders" people suffer from aren't really disorders, but part of that person, their own reality, and that there is nothing WRONG with that person, just something different and something beautiful.

Psychology isn't just about the bad parts of a human. It's how each and everyone of us relates. It's not just biological aspects of the brain, or damage to a person. It's how to become a better person, whatever that may be to an individual. It's how to deal with the world and walk in someone else's shoes for a while. To understand that each and every single person in the world is dealing with their own personal experiences and it's not right to judge or criticize them for understanding the world and experiencing the world in their own specific way. It helps you become true to yourself, and not care what other people think of you, to just thrive in your own reality.

I want to be a part of that. I want to help people. Of course, I'm not going the traditional route of therapy, I'm going into forensic psychology. I'm going to find people that create crime, I'm going to talk to them, understand them and work towards having a better criminal system. To understanding the offender and how we can help them. That's when I realized I knew why I went into psychology, I wanted to help make the world a better more humble, more humane place.

Right now, the offender will get thrown in jail. In those prisons they learn from other convicts how to be worse then they are, when they're done serving their time, they get thrown out into the world to commit the same or even worse crimes than they already have and then get thrown back in to learn even more bad. So why not break the cycle of crime. Instead of just throwing them in prison, why not help them work out their underlying stress. The reasons they are committing this crime is just as important as the fact that they committed the crime in the first place. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. So why not rehabilitate them, and help them before they try to help themselves in the wrong way? This is why I went into psychology, because the world needs softer, humbler, gentler, more tender, sweeter, more understanding people. We have enough of the hardened people, the strong people, the mean people, the tough.. too much I'd say. I think everyone should take a walk in some one else's shoes for a day and then the world would be a better place, a more understanding place.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

12:34

I have class at 9:30 in the morning, but I can't sleep.

I've found myself reminiscing on this past school year, and everything I've been through. It's been a lot in such a short amount of time. I can't believe how much has changed in 7 months. I used to think a year was a long time, but recently it seems that time slips away faster and faster. A year really isn't that long any more. I wish I could slow it down. I wish I could stay this young forever because at this moment, I'm the oldest I've ever been and the youngest I'll ever be again. It's interesting isn't it? How the present seems to be dragging on, but if you stop and look back and think about it, it's actually speeding past us..

I wish I could stop time. I can't. But thinking back like this teaches me to cherish every moment I experience. Even though I complain all the time about how my life is going, I should actually be very grateful because one day I'll be wishing I could go back to this moment. I know this because I wish all the time that I could go back to when I had no responsibilities, when all I had to worry about was what I was gonna wear the next day. Now I have to worry about how much money I have, how I'm going to feed my rabbit and myself, how much time I have to do my homework before I have to be at work, the list goes on..

I miss the days I could lay in my bed and not worry about a thing.

My heart is aching in my chest, for what reason, I don't know. But it hurts tonight. It's longing for something. I can't put my finger on what it is but this is a sad ache. It's a sorrowful one. It's a lonely one. It's one of those aches that I wish I could do something about, but I know I can't. My mind is not sad though, my heart is. I don't understand why. It's starting to bother me that I don't know why my heart is aching even though I'm not really sad. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't even want to see anyone. So how can my heart be aching? Maybe it's just exhaustion, because I am incredibly tired, but I can't sleep. I seem to be a walking, talking contradiction tonight..

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Encouraging Words

I just want to take a moment for all the broken hearted. For all those suffering their own specific torture. For all of those whose chests are aching and for all of those who feel worthless.

You are a beautiful human being. Sure, you might not measure up to society's standard of beautiful but who the fuck cares? Society is fucked, have you not noticed?

You are amazing, you are talented, you are graceful, you are empowering, you are worth every breath you breathe. You are intelligent and mysterious and interesting. You are strong enough to overcome anything you are going through. If I can do it, so can you. I've recovered from a broken heart, I've gotten stronger, and I've learned from my mistakes.

Society wants us to be perfect. But what the hell is the point of being perfect? It would make the world boring, besides, perfection is relative to the person. You don't have to live up to society's standard. Set a bar for yourself to overcome and then reach that goal because being proud of yourself, for accomplishing what you set to accomplish and not what someone else said, is the best feeling in the entire world.

& don't hold back. In whatever you choose to do, give it your all. I think that's what's wrong with the world.. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy but they don't dance or sing. They're angry but they don't scream because if they do, they feel ashamed. & feeling ashamed is the worst feeling in the world, so everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is. So lift your head up, empower yourself. You don't need anyone else, because at the end of the day, that's all you really have. Yourself. 

With the world, as horrible as it is now, make sure to walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the doers, the planners, the successful, people with their feet on the ground and their heads in the clouds. Let their spirits ignite a fire within you to leave this world a better place than you found it. Ignite a fire in yourself to be all that you can be. Accomplish your goals, be courageous do something you've never done before. Be confident in yourself enough to go talk to that boy you've been eying for the past three months, the worst he can say is "no" but then you can have the satisfaction of knowing you tried instead of resenting yourself for never going over there. You won't ever have to ask yourself "what if?" again. 

Be strong, be powerful, be persuasive, be enigmatic, be courageous, be spontaneous. Love life, and live it. 
Forget all that have told you, you can't and prove them wrong. Do whatever it is that your heart desires and don't hold anything back. Live with no regrets, only lessons learned because those mistakes are what have shaped you and molded you and made you who you are today & you are beautiful. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

The Walking Dead, Episode 312

I don't know if many of you know this, but I am a HUGE fan of The Walking Dead. Now, let me clear this up.. I have never been one to watch entire seasons of TV shows, let alone sit up waiting for the show to come on. This show on the other hand, is a different story completely. I excitedly anticipate every Sunday night. My whole weekend revolves around me being able to sit in front of a screen, whether it be a TV screen or a computer screen, and watch The Walking Dead every Sunday at 9 pm.

This weeks episode, # 312, blew my fucking mind (although, I am a little disappointed that I didn't get to see my man Norman Reedus, aka: Darly Dixon  in the episode). It was crazy intense and had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. I'm also a little upset that (spoiler alert for those who didn't get to see it) Morgan didn't go with them. I've been waiting for the day that Rick and Morgan found each other again and this episode did not live up to my expectations. I bet you anything though, that Morgan will show up at the prison when they need him most. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Michonne, that's one tough bitch right there. I like her. A LOT. I was beginning to get disappointed in Rick for not treating her the right way, but after tonight's episode I'm happy to say that it looks like she's going to get the respect she deserves. I mean seriously though, she's saved their asses on multiple occasions now.

Carl is turning into a little BADASS. He is fucking awesome. He's all of what 11 or 12 now and he's still got more balls than his dad does sometimes. I mean seriously. He's saved a couple of people now too and they're still treating him like he's a little kid that knows nothing. I know he's still a kid, but he's one bad ass mother f*cker. He got shot, and had surgery without proper medical utensils, and lived. He's fricken amazing. 

As for the Governor. He can kiss my ass. I'm highly angry at Andrea for not killing his sorry ass. She should have driven that knife right through his arrogant head and been done with it. Now, I'll bet you anything, since she didn't through with it to begin with, the Governor will probably kill her in the next episode. I hope that f*cker dies soon, I hate his ass, by the way he's a pretty boy and the eye patch doesn't make him look anymore tough or evil it just makes him look even more like a sissy. Take that damn eye patch off and show everyone what your eye really looks like all the time, then he'd be a little cooler.

All I have to say, is that if Daryl Dixon dies, I'm done with the show. I will refuse to watch it and I will ball my eyes out. He is the coolest character who's sexiness just grows on you. Who else would kill zombies with a bow and arrow? The awesome redneck ruffian. Noise attracts walkers, so this badass drives a fucking loud ass motorcycle and kills zombies all along the way. Norman Reedus is an amazing actor. I loved him in the Boondock Saints as well. I love his raspy voice and I love that he's kinda rough around the edges. Good girls always fall for the bad boys don't they?

A couple of interesting tid bits for you guys:
1. They never call them "zombies" in the show.
2. Carol, Dale, and Andrea have played together before in The Mist.
3. Each zombie's make up takes 1 and 1/2 hrs to complete and they do the make up every single time they film. They don't just take a day to film all the zombies, it's every single episode.
4. Each zombie has to go to zombie school for a day before they can start filming
5. The zombies don't actually make noise in the episode, it's a voice over, all they do is the physical action on screen.

So all in all, I would highly recommend getting into The Walking Dead. The first two season are on Netflix and the season three episodes can be watched on AMC along with extras from the show, games, and webisodes. Hope y'all join in my obsession!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Hidden Meaning

You know, lately I've been hiding behind a cool exterior. I've been calm and collected on the outside, but inside I'm a tornado of emotions. I'm an emotional train wreck, but I don't let anyone see that. I feel like if I show my emotions it's considered weakness. Well, I'm wrong.

I think that's what's wrong with the world.. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy but they don't dance or sing. They're angry but they don't scream because if they do, they feel ashamed. & feeling ashamed is the worst feeling in the world, so everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is.

I am guilty. I'm one of those people that hide what they're feeling and thinking inside myself. I hide behind coy smiles and mysterious eyes and I don't let anyone get close. I run. I'm good at running, and I'm fast. Whenever some one gets to close, I push them away. I close them off from my heart, I build walls and boundaries. I dare them to cross the boundaries, but I know none of them will. 

Even some of my best friends don't know what's going on behind my dark brown eyes half the time. They know they can come to me with everything and I will give them my opinion and I won't hold back, but I can't rely on them to help me because I don't let them close enough to help me.

The only person I ever let close enough was Alex, he was my best friend. I told him everything and then he chose to walk away. I promised myself in that instant that I would never let anyone get that close again. That was a mistake on my part. I am wrong to believe that and I'm wrong to continue to close everyone off and push them away. I need to break myself of this habit. I need to force myself to let people get close to me. I need to work on not running. I need to stay put, I need to let people come to me and actually let them in. So maybe one day, my eyes won't be so mysterious, and my smile not so coy, and maybe some day, some one will know me completely again because at this point, Alex doesn't even know me completely anymore.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Gone to Shit

Well, my Saturday sucks major monkey dick.

1. I've been in a weird mood all day, and kinda grumpy at that
2. I've had to spend my ENTIRE night babysitting (meaning I'm still babysitting, got here at 5 & won't leave until 2am)
3. Nothing good is on TV, or if it is good, I've already seen it like 53907825784 times.
4. Was gonna hang out with some friends when I left babysitting, that won't be happening now.

Like seriously, Rod.. I understand that it's my job as a babysitter to watch your kid and let you go out every now and then but damn, I'm here at least once a week as it is. I don't want to spend my entire weekend over here. Not to mention, your kid is turning into a pain in the ass. He was good when I first started babysitting, but now he's being a little asshole and he's not obeying me or listening to me. Not to mention, the kids he hands out with don't help. Cade is obviously a follower, and he's following their bad behavior. That Braden kid is bad news.

I'm annoyed, and tired and I know I have plenty of homework to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so tired of school and I'd do anything to have a semester off, but I know that if I do that, I'll never go back. I hate school. I hate that we have to have a degree to even think about getting a job. If you want to make money though, you have to have at least a masters degree. They make it impossible to get a job without a degree, but they make the process of getting that degree damn near impossible as well. Not to mention the cost of a college education is through the roof, I'm already over my head in debt as it is and I haven't even had to start paying my loans off yet.

I'm overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, and I'm clearly going insane. I can't do this shit any more. I need a vacation and spring break is coming up and I'm not going anywhere because I can't afford to and my boyfriend left me in the fucking dust. Thanks a lot for fucking destroying this semester for me. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of this life that I'm living. It's the same shit day in and day out. I want to have an adventure. I want to journey out of this life and jump into a more exciting one. I'm tired of being stuck in this small college town, not having true friends, and not having a fucking life. I want to go. I want to get a way. I want to leave.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

The Person I Want to Become

That feeling in my chest is back. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, sadness. I haven't even done anything today. I just woke up. So why won't this feeling go away?

It doesn't help any when you watch the love of your life walk away and tell you that you don't make him happy anymore, that you can't make him happy, and being with you will never make him happy, and having him tell you that seeing you makes him cringe because he is so unhappy. I took those cold words in. Those icy sentences stabbed deep in the heart. They made me cold, hard. Words like that shape a person. They stay buried within them. I've sat on those words for two months now. I've let them eat at my mind and I've let them effect in ways that I shouldn't but when words like that come from the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, they hurt, and they cut down to your soul.

I finally got to the point where I could handle not being with him. I could handle him not being in my life. I tried (unsuccessfully) to  not think about him every day. I was okay though, I was happy with being alone, I was liking being single and being able to do whatever the fuck I wanted. But then he called me last yesterday, three times at that.

I could handle talking to him on the phone. I thought it was just friendly talk, like we used to do before we dated. But them yesterday, he opened up a can of worms that have been reeking havoc on my mind.

He told me yesterday that he wanted to take back all the bad things he had said, that he honestly didn't mean any of them and he knew this because he missed me. He missed all the good times we had, he missed my smile and my touch. He said I was peanut butter to his jelly, and that I still make him happy. I still make him smile and laugh even when he doesn't want to. He told me that he loves me, more than anything in the world and that I could never make him cringe because he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. That he still wants to marry me and that he can't see himself with anyone else.

You know, I want to believe his words. I do, I want to believe he really means this stuff and he's not just lonely. But you weren't there to hear the icy words come out of his mouth a month ago. You weren't there to see that he didn't care how those words would effect me. I still think about those words. Every day. I'm trying to learn from them. To shape myself to be less of a horrible person.

I was moving on, I was doing okay, and then he has to come and say these words that completely negate what I had been dwelling on for the past month. I don't even know how to take them. They've been on my mind all night, replaying through my head. What do I do about it? I'm not ready to hop back into a relationship with him.. I'm still hurting, I'm still healing. But then again, who's to say that if we do get back together this won't happen again? I don't think I can take losing him one more time. I love the boy, I do. I always will, but should I really be with him again? CAN I be with him again? We've been through so much.

And what about Michael? We're kind talking, getting to know each other, do I just leave him in the dust? Forget about his feelings? I mean sure, we haven't amounted to anything. We're not even dating, but I mean still.. My life is affecting another person's again. I'm tired of hurting people. I know they say that you have to make yourself happy and hurting others come with that sometimes, but I'm tired of it. I don't like it and I've done plenty of it in my short life time.

Maybe I should just stay single for a while. I'm a college student, I need to get my crazy out of me. I need to be able to rely on myself, and not someone else. I need to be able to take care of myself, and love myself, and be happy by myself before I can begin to do the same for someone else. I need to grow a little more. I need to heal a little more. I need to take time for myself, be alone in a crowded room and be okay with that. I need to take myself to a movie, or out dancing and not feeling lonely even though I'm alone. I need to learn more about myself, I need to know what my hopes and dreams and aspirations are. I need to empower myself to be good, and gentle and humble, and fix the previous bad that I have done.

I need to be able to study. To learn about everything and anything I come in contact with. I need to become a better person. I need to become a stable person instead of this train wreck of a life I live. I need to love. Love uncontrollably, and unconditionally, but not a person, I need to love life in that manner. I need to be more thankful for everything I have and with all the interactions I've had the privileged of coming in contact with.

How will I be able to do these things if I'm busy loving one person? Single is good for me right now, it's honestly what I need. I've always jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and I don't need to do that this time. I need to be by myself for a while, learn and grow, and be alone. I need to pull myself out of this depression I'm sinking in. I need to do that, I don't need someone else to do that because I don't need to rely on them to do it again.

I'm a strong woman and I'm powerful in many ways. I have gotten myself out of worst situations than this and I have built walls around my heart so that things don't hurt me as bad. I am an easy going person, and it's hard to get me mad. I am kind at times and a bitch at other times. I try not to judge you, until I know your character and I know you personally. I give good advice (some that I need to listen to myself) and I love helping others. I've made plenty of mistakes that's for sure, but I have learned from them (the hard way of course). I'm stubborn in my ways and I'm hard headed. I'm a good person, but I want to be better. I want to have a better attitude, and a better outlook on life.

So maybe time alone is for the best. Maybe being alone will help me shape myself into the person I want to become. A person that is full of joy, love, strength, and humbleness. A person that I can be proud of. 

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Confusion

con·fu·sion  /kənˈfyo͞oZHən/
Noun

1. Lack of understanding; uncertainty.
2. A situation of panic; a breakdown of order: "the shaken survivors retreated in confusion".

I am in a state of confusion. I don't know who my true friends are. I don't know where I'll be in 3 months, I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't even know how to entertain myself any more.

Alex threw me through a loop today. He confused my new normal. He said that he wanted to take back what he said and that he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it when he said I couldn't make him happy anymore. The reason he gave me was that because he missed me. When he looked back at the memory of me, it made him happy more than sad. He said that it wasn't me making him unhappy, but that it was himself.

How the hell do I respond to that? I'm just now getting used to the fact that he's not in my life. I'm just now being comfortable around other guys again. I'm just now happy with my current single status. I'm just now comfortable with myself again. And then, he's going to go say something like that..

He asked me if I would take back what I said about never getting back together.. I said I did. I mean honestly, let's be rational here. Let's think about this, would I ever really be able to say "No, I don't want to date you anymore, I don't want to love you anymore, I don't want to have a future with you anymore.."? ha. No. I love that boy more than anything in the world. But I'll tell you what, I'm not waiting for him. I cannot do that to myself. I can give him space, and I can give him time, but I am not making myself miserable in the process.

But then, what about Michael? I'm just now getting to really know him, and I like talking to him. It's new and fresh, and I know that when Alex reads this, it will probably hurt him, but he told me to be happy and right now, Michael is the person that is making me happy. I mean I'm happy without him, but he facilitates the happy feeling. I would love to see where things could go with him, but I know myself well enough that if Alex came back in a month or two, I'd drop everything for him. But I also know, that I'm not ready for a relationship and if I were to jump into one with someone, it wouldn't be fair to them because I wouldn't be giving them my all.

I don't know what to do. My heart is being pulled in five million different directions and my brain can't keep up with the world around me. I honestly think I'm depressed. I feel lonely a lot and all I want to do is sleep. I don't really want to interact with people, the thought of it is exhausting, but I'm also tired of being alone. I need someone to just be here to hold me and just lay with me for a while. Help me get back on my feet, help me want to be around others again. I just need someone to lay with me.. To not force me to get up and do something. Someone that will help me heal. Someone that will help me get out of this depression I've been in for some time.

I guess that's really the underlying problem. I know the signs of depression, and I know how to help myself, but I also know that I can't do this alone and my friends have left me to do this alone. They're all so far up their boyfriend's asses, it's like I don't even matter to any of them anymore. It's like I've disappeared and I only matter when their bored. I know I'm normally the one people call when they have problems, but who do I call when I have a problem? Who can I count on when I need someone there for me? It's becoming clear to me that I have no one that will do that for me and it makes me mad, because I am always there for them. ALWAYS. but the moment I need someone, there is no one.

I'm confused as to what to do next. I'm confused in the fact that I have no one I can really count on and I don't know why, I'm confused that I can be such a good friend and then not have a good friend when I need one. I'm confused by Alex's words and I don't know how to respond. & I'm confused as to how to get out of this depression that has kept me prisoner for so long...

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Endless Possibility

So.. the other night at like 12 in the morning I called Alex. I know, I broke. I know that normally when going through a break up that's the last thing you want to do - talk to your ex-boyfriend. Astonishingly, it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It actually didn't really hurt at all.

We talked, and I mean TALKED about nothing and about everything that has been happening to us. Like two old friends catching up. It didn't hurt. IT DIDN'T HURT. I know, I think it's unbelievable. He said the same thing though, he said he was surprised it didn't hurt either. We ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half (I personally wanted it to be a 15 minute bitch fit and then be done with it) and it turned out to be kind of nice. I missed him. He's my best friend after all.

And I know I said we'd never get back together, but we established that we don't know what the future holds. We also decided that sometime in the future if we wanted to, we would try again but that for now, we need space and time away from each other. We need to grow and heal ourselves before we try again.

As for me, I'm happy. I'm loving my life right now. I'm kind of talking to a guy, not really though and I already told him I don't want a relationship, but I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. I guess we'll see where things go. I called Alex today as well, we talked about random shit like Harlem shake videos, and the gallon smashing video. We also talked about spring break and I agreed to let him take my guitar to the beach (although I'm kind of regretting it, I don't want anything to happen to it).

He called me "babe" today on accident and we both caught it. I expected it to tug at my heart strings a bit, but surprisingly once again, it didn't. I think this may be the new beginning of a friendship we once had and lost. A turning of a page. Maybe, just maybe, I'll truly get my best friend back. I guess I'll just have to sit and see what the future holds. After all, it is filled with endless possibilities..

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

After the Storm

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. 

-Mumford and Sons

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Phone Call

Alex called me today. In between my biology lab and my criminology class.
My heart about came out of my chest, and I immediately wanted to throw up. I didn't even know what to do with myself. So I answered. And the moment I heard his voice I had to fight back tears. I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't know why he needed to torture me like that. Why couldn't he had just texted me? I can handle a text message.

Anyway, he told me that he was sorry for everything that went down with me and Ali. His sister and I had a big falling out right before we broke up. He also told me that two of my favorite cats in the whole world are getting put down on Friday and that he figured I wanted to know and that alone about made me lose it. Then he told me he found a scarf of mine.. for some reason I'm thinking he wanted to use that as a reason to see me. But I can't handle that.

I just texted him like 4 hours later and told him to mail it to me. I can't see him. Not yet. Too soon. He asked me if I still hated him. I don't. I could never hate him. I love him. I always will. This is the man that I wanted to marry. To spend the rest of my life with. Why on EARTH would I hate him? He's a wonderful man. And yes, I'm mad at him. I'm mad that he gave up. I'm made that he couldn't give me the chance. I'm mad  that I couldn't fix it. I'm mad that I was stupid and selfish. I'm mad that I couldn't give him what he wanted. I'm mad that his voice still turns me to butter. I'm mad that I can't help but love him. I'm mad that I miss him so much. I'm mad that I can't stop thinking about him. I'm mad that it's so hard for me to get over him. I'm mad that it still hurts and that I'm lonely as hell. I'm mat that I can't fight back the tears. I'm mad that he is the only man on the entire Earth that has this effect on me. I'm mad that I still hurts and I'm mad that this is happening again.

& Then he has to say something like "Well, I'm still here for you if you ever need anything. Just call me."

It tears me apart. I can't take it. I wish I could hate him. I wish so terribly bad that I could hate him. I'd give anything to hate him instead of still love him. Instead of watching him walk away from me still loving him with all that I am. Hating him would be so much easier. Loving him is killing me. It's a slow painful death.. but it's happening all the same.

I thought I was okay, I really did. But then one phone call from him changes everything. His name popping up on the screen of my phone. That one little thing turned my day from fantastic to terrible in 2 seconds. Not because I hate him, but because I love him so much and I can't have him. Because I need him more than anything right now and I can't talk to him about it. I can't go to him with this problem. I'm missing my best friend and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Alright, Asshole

I have been perfectly clear with you from the start, I DO  NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
Simple as that. You chose to still talk to me, and try to hang out with me, and "get to know me" (I know that means "try to get in my pants") and I'm not having it.

I told you multiple times, in the simplest terms I know, that I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to go out on dates with anyone, I don't even want to really talk to a boy let alone "get to know" one.

So this morning, when I told you again for the 100th time that I wanted to make it perfectly clear that we will never be more than friends and that I don't want a relationship you have no right to get angry with me.
I have been straight forward and blunt from the start. Don't come to me telling me that I should work on being honest and up front when CLEARLY I have been and you've just refused to hear what I said. Boys are good at that selective hearing shit. They hear what they want to hear. Not what I actually said.

Anyways, on another note. I had a philosophy test this morning. That was rough, and I studied for it. YAY.
Also.. I forgot to tell you all this but, my valentine's day certainly was interesting.

So I get a call on like Monday of last week and it's my mother.

"Hey honey, just letting you know your father and I are coming to see you on Thursday!"

I was like wait, what? "why?"

"Because it's Valentine's day, your dad and I are coming up for breakfast and we're bringing gifts and what not. Be ready by 7:30 AM. We don't want you to be alone on Valentine's day."

Okay, so my first thought was forever alone. Then is was, my parents are going to be my damn valentines,  and then I thought WTF?! 7:30! Why so early?!

"Mom, why are you gonna be here at 7:30?"

She replies, "Well don't you have a 9:30 class on Thursdays? We wanted to get there in time for us to eat and such."

At this point I'm thinking What day is Thursday? Like, I didn't even know what day it was let alone what classes I had that morning. Geez, my mom knows my week better than I do.

So I was like, "Okay mom."

They came up and had breakfast with me and brought me flowers and chocolate and a teddy bear. And of course Daddy always comes through with some money for his baby girl. I had a fun morning of eating and talking with the rents and then later that night I went on a date that I really didn't even want to go on. But since I'm the only single girl in my group of friends now, everyone get's hooked up with Meghan for blind dates. AWKWARD. Whatever, it was free food. And I didn't have to be "alone" on Valentine's day.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

February 17, 2013

I understood that he didn't want me around anymore. But it made life seem black and white, flat and dimensional. I craved the oxygen and color he brought. He had changed life, and now it just couldn't change back.

When people hurt you over and over, think of them as sandpaper. They scratch and hurt you, but later you'll be shining and polished while they end up useless.

Sometimes it's better to be clueless about what's happening around you than to know every bit of information that would silently kill you.

We’re teenagers. We’re still learning. Shit happens. We cheat, we lie, we criticize, we fight over stupid things. We fall in love and end up getting hurt. We bitch, bitch, bitch. We bitch about bitches being bitches. We party till dawn, we drink till we pass out. We hate people for no reason, we call each other names. We stay up late having deep conversations, or stay up late just to think. We go out and have a kick ass time with our friends and those will be the memories. One day that’s going to all pass. You can waste your time focusing on all the bad things, but one day you’re gonna wish you were still a teenager. So make the most of what you have now, forget all the bullshit and drama and live your life with a sexy smile on your face.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

This is Bad

So.. I think I'm really beginning to move on.
and I'm getting my hopes up over a boy, that I probably shouldn't get my hopes up for. I keep telling myself not to, but it's kinda hard.

I'm really not wanting to get into a relationship either.. so, I don't know.
This is bad, emotions, and the heart are not easy to control all the time.
I feel bad too, I feel guilty for kind of moving on already. He meant so much to me, but I just can't be with him anymore. Why dwell you know?

I wish I could talk to him about this stuff, but I can't. I can't hear his voice, and I'm not gonna be able to just be his friend. There is just way to much history behind us and I had to write this down, even though I know he'll probably read this, but at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more that what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

This is one of those times. My emotions are letting me know that I'm okay, that I don't need him and that I can move on without him. Although, I do kinda feel I probably won't get married.. cause I honestly can't see myself marrying anyone else, but for now, I'm very happy. For once, I'm happy (:

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

What I Thought..

I thought, I was okay. I thought I could handle this and that I was handling this and that I was happy.

But as I sit here in my bed, not being able to sleep with an ache in my chest that I thought was gone, I have come to realize that I'm still not okay. And I know that what I want more than anything in the world is to just be okay again. To be happy. To not want anything for a change. But I find myself sitting here knowing that I'm not okay, that I'm not as happy as I could be and that I'm longing for something that I just can't put my finger on.

It's a weird sensation when you're laying in bed, watching TV and all of a sudden your chest constricts and makes it hard to breathe. You fight back the sudden urge to sob and weep for hours and you feel your chin start to tingle and your eyebrows begin to furrow as you fight back those tears that so desperately want to leave your eyes. Your chest aches, almost to the point of throbbing and then you hit the rock bottom of realization when you know you have no one to call. No one that will come crawl in bed with you and just hold you. No one that will comfort you or rock you to sleep as you sob into their lap.

I thought I was strong, and I admit, I am stronger than last time. But this ache is all too familiar and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to breathe again, and not think of him out of no where. & I am so incredibly exhausted but I'm still not sleeping well. And I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the horrible ache in my chest that threatens to choke the tears out of me.

I haven't cried. Not since the day you left me. I refuse to cry because I know I'm at least stronger than that, but I'm also angry now. I'm angry that it didn't work out between us. I'm angry that no matter what I did it just wasn't enough and I'm angry for letting myself fall again.

I'll tell you what though, I won't let that happen again. Who ever tries to open this heart again is going to have one hell of a time. It's been locked away and there are plenty of walls protecting it now. I hope no one tries because I don't want to be responsible for making someone feel like this. I don't want them to get their hearts destroyed. What good would that do? Turning someone else cold.

I'm in love with a memory, sweet history's got a hold of me. So don't go falling for me now, we could never be, because I'm in love with a memory.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Getting Back into it..

I'm getting my ass back in the gym. Or at least on a regular work out routine. I'm getting a little too flabby for my liking.

Okay, okay, I know a lot of you are going to say "what flab?!" Well when my muscle isn't really muscle anymore I'd call that flab. Yes, I'm still skinny but I'm not doing this to get skinny. I'm going to do this to be more tone and more fit and maybe a little bit stronger physically as well as emotionally.

I'm actually really excited. I don't know if I'm too excited about the aching muscles and hungry stomach, but I am really excited to get that 6 pack body back and my ass to lift up a little bit and maybe to get my ass a little bigger wouldn't help either. My pants don't stay up now because I have no ass to keep them up.

I feel like working out will get my mind off shit as well. I need something to distract me. Like all the time recently. If I'm not doing anything I start to freak out a little bit.

On the other hand, I went to my friend Taylor's Pure Romance party the other night and I got a warming massager and then realized that I don't have anyone to massage me. Great..

But, what boy would object to putting his hands all over a girl. I could go pull someone off the street.. HA! just kidding. That won't be happening. Maybe I'll get one of my girlfriends to give me a massage... HAHA! That one made me laugh a littler harder.

My Work Out Board!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

I'll Find a Way

I'm going to find a way to be happy, and I'd really love to be happy with you, but if I can't be happy with you, then I'll find a way to be happy without you.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

52 Week (week 3)

So, my jar is starting to look promising, even though I only have about $9.31

The reason I have $9.31 instead of $6.00 according to the chart is because when I have excess change or a random dollar floating around, I'll go ahead and throw it in my jar. It's starting to really add up. Also, I'm very impatient so when I have money that I can save, I go ahead and through it in the jar as well. I want this 52 weeks to go by fast or if anything at the end of my 52 weeks I'll have more than I'm supposed to.

I'm also trying to save up to maybe get extensions because I'm tired of my hair being short, so I might break into my saving after a while. Who knows what will happen. But I'm not just saving here, I'm putting money in my bank account too. You can never save enough. Life happens sometimes, you gotta be able to handle it. I'm also tired of having my mom pay for everything when it comes to my schooling so I'm doing this to help her out as well.

I really encourage everyone to try this, it's actually kind of fun to watch your jar fill up and it makes you feel good being able to have that money there if you need it. I'm trying not to need this particular means of money, but sometimes shit happens.

Have fun saving everyone!

my jar, you can see the money in the bottom of it now

top view of my jar. YAY money, money, money!

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

Realization

So, I realized today that I totally do not need a man in my life (except for my daddy, every girl needs one of those)..

I realized that I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I realized that, even though I hate to say it, Alex was right. I wasn't happy in that relationship because he was unhappy and I think in my unconscious I knew he was unhappy but I just didn't want to admit it.

I mean shit, I've got a lot going for me right now. I'm in college, working towards the degree that I've wanted since I can't remember and I'm working my ass off to make my life better in the future. I've got great friends when I actually have the opportunity to hang out with them and I've got two pretty amazing jobs. Hopefully God will bless me with a summer camp job over the summer. The one I've been praying about, at Camp Woodmont. That would be such a fantastic way to spend a summer.

I'm doing well in school and at my work and with babysitting, why on Earth would I possibly need or even want a man for that matter. I'm fine on my own and I've got my bunny and great friends to keep me company. I love my life, honestly I don't think at this point that I'd have it any other way.

Honestly, Sometimes there are people who come into your life and leave a permanent mark. They paint your soul different colors and change the way you see the world. And when they leave, you realize that somewhere along the way you lost yourself. You don't even know who you are anymore, because they made you into something completely different. I don't miss him, I miss myself. I thought I knew myself, and I did before he came back into my life. I didn't realize that I was missing this person. This strong independent person. This girl who push through so much shit, this girl who is her own superhero. I am so much stronger than I made myself out to be.

I feel fantastic. My heart isn't really achy any more and I'm okay with being by myself. His name and the memory of him doesn't hurt any more. I'm surprised by how easily or fast that I go over him, but at the same time I feel good. I know we weren't in a healthy relationship and I know we were unhappy. It looks like we both are now, so this had to have been for the best. I hope he has a good life and accomplishes everything he wants to.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

A Little Bit Stronger

Alex,

When I woke up this morning my chest wasn't aching as badly as the past few mornings. I actually got to sleep last night as well. Although I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning, I slept until after 12 this afternoon.

I finally invested in some curtains like we always talked about. It keeps it pretty dark in here. I also got a sleep mask which helps as well. I still can't sleep unless I feel like someone is here with me so I keep the TV on at night, I know that's so weird because normally I can't sleep with it on but it's the only thing that seems to be helping me.

Grant Newman, do you remember him? He's starting to become one of my very good friends. You don't know this, but the night you broke up with me I drove out to Alabama after talking to you at 3AM and stayed with him. I couldn't stand to be alone and that seemed to be the only solution. He comforted me the most he can and he tried to keep my mind off things but nothing really helped. I cried myself to sleep that night and the next night and the next night and last night.

The pain in my chest is turning into numbness. I don't cry at the drop of a hat or the bat of an eyelash anymore. I feel nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, and the occasional ache in my chest are all that I feel right now. It hurts to laugh because I think about all the times we'd get the giggles right before falling asleep and I remember the time in the car when we just kept saying "Merica" in the most retarded voices and it makes the pain in my chest grow stronger and my lungs start to cave in and my eyes start to water and I begin to sob all over again.

I miss you more than anything right now. I miss being able to call you and talk to you about anything. I miss the comfort that only you could give me and the comfort that I so badly need right now that I just can't have. I miss your touch and your kiss and your smell. I miss your smile and your fantastic hazel eyes and I miss your warmth. I can't seem to get warm and I think I'm dropping weight because I can't eat anything. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's that I'm not hungry. I try to eat and then I get it in my mouth and I just want to spit it all out.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to make this feeling of loneliness and despair go away, you used to be the one who could do that to me. Now you're gone. My best friend has left me in the dust.

But I'm getting stronger day-by-day and I'm so happy that I know how to handle myself this time around. It makes it easier to go on. It makes the struggle not so cumbersome. It still hurts all the same, but I know what comes next and I know how to manage and I know how to keep going even though all I want to do is stay in bed curled up in a ball. 

 

I know it's country, but it's so good.

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.

52 Week Money Challenge

So, I came across a fantastic way to save money. But I will need help keeping it up. It's called the 52 week challenge. The first week you put one dollar in, the second week two dollars so you then have three dollars, the third week, three dollars so the total balance would be six dollars, etc.

I'm really excited because at the end of fifty-two weeks I should have over $1300. The great thing is, if I have an emergency anywhere between there I will have a little money saves up and I can always start over.

It'll be a challenge for me not to touch the savings jar that I'm keeping it in. I have a problem with saving money. I don't make a lot to begin with so whenever I do get a hold of money it usually disappears pretty quickly. Groceries, my bunny, gas, life.. everything costs so much money now days.

At the end of this post I'll put a picture of what the chart looks like. I should be able to post weekly with what my jar looks like. At this point I have both the first and second week taken care of. I'm really excited to see if I have the will power to do this.

The 52 Week Challenge Calendar

My Decorated Mason Jar to Hold Everything

This is life, and I'm gonna live it.