Names.

Charlotte Bacon (6), Daniel Barden (7), Rachel Davino (29), Olivia Engel (6), Josephine Gay (7), Ana M. Marquez-Greene (6), Dylan Hockley (6), Dawn Hochspring (47), Madeleine F. Hsu (6), Catherine V. Hubbard (6), Chase Kowalski (7), Jesse Lewis (6), James Mattioli (6), Grace McDonnell (7), Anne Marie Murphy (52), Emilie Parker (6), Jack Pinto (6), Noah Pozner (6), Caroline Previdi (6), Jessica Rekos (6), Lauren Rousseau (30), Mary Sherlach (56), Victoria Soto (27), Benjamin Wheeler (6), and Allison Wyatt (6)

If you remember anything about the Sandy Hook Shooting, remember one of these names, or all of them. Do not give the gunman the satisfaction he wants by remembering how horrific a person he was or glorifying what he has done on television. Remember one of these names, and pray for the family of one of these names because during this Christmas season, these families are facing a horrible time in their lives. Help them to recover from this tragedy, send condolences and anything else they may need.

Give thanks for what you have, and the people that you have and the people you care about that are alive and well. This is a terrible tragedy in our Nation, and we need to support each other and help each other instead of glorifying a mad man on national television. Instead, help those who need it, and remember those who can no longer be with us.

This man was mentally ill, but he was 20 years old. He knew the difference between right and wrong and fiction vs. reality. Don't blame this on gun laws, or violent video games. Their is nothing to blame this on except for the man who did this. It wasn't because of the fact that we are allowed to have guns, or because the man played violent video games. It was because this man was disturbed. He know right from wrong, and he knew what he was doing. He made a decision, a horrible one. But it was HIS decision. The gun is just metal and wood, until SOMEONE picks it up and uses it. It's up to the PERSON to use it for GOOD or BAD.

Honestly, the media needs to stop glorifying this as well. This community has been destroyed, and all the media can do is shove more of it in their face. Think about how they feel every time they turn on the TV and are reminded each and every time of  the worst day of their lives and of what tore their family apart. Stop making this mad man look like a celebrity and saying how this will be the most gruesome event since the Tech Shooting. That is not good publicity, it's horrible. It's what makes people do these things. Otherwise, those lowlifes would off themselves in their basement. Instead, they want to be remembered by what a horrible person they were and giving them the satisfaction, will not help to keep future events from happening.

Stop publicizing this and instead, publicize how to help these families in need. How to comfort these families that have just witnessed the most horrific times in their lives. Help these families to recover from this terrible tragedy. This of how to makes this Christmas better for them, because no matter what, every Christmas they will think of the time they had to bury their 6 or 7 year old CHILD. Help them. DO NOT GLORIFY THE MAD MAN, send your condolences and be happy and thankful for what you have. Come together as a nation with a helping hand instead of trying to blame this in something other than a horrible man.

Well Said Stranger..

"You want to know why (The Sandy Hook Shooting occurred). This may sound cynical, but here's why.

It's because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine? Disturbed

people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he'll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN's article says that if the body count "holds up", this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer's face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer's identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don't sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news."

Well said whoever you are, I would like to shake your hand"

This World is Turning to Shit.

What happened in Newtown, Connecticut literally disgusts me.

The fact that the reporters and investigators are trying to pin this and blame this on Black Ops II and the races of the child victims makes me want to vomit. This had nothing to do with violent video games. The man was 20 years old. He KNEW what he was doing. He KNEW right from wrong and he KNEW fiction from reality.

This horrible man killed his mother at her home, then drove to Sandy Hook Elementary School several miles away. It was predetermined. He thought this out, planned this out, and then committed the actions that have taken place.

He took the lives of innocent children. No matter the race, they were kindergarten and first grade students! The ages ranged from a mere 5 years old to a whopping 10 years old. Those children couldn't have done anything to deserve the violent deaths they endured. Not to mention the trauma that the other children will have to have psychological help to over come. They will live with this event their entire lives. They will remember this horrific day until the day they die.

Witnessing something so terrible can cause severe psychological problems in the future if those kids don't start to get help now. All they did was go to school on a Friday morning. They were doing what the government demands of us. I'm not saying education isn't important, but that's all they were doing.

Not to mention the poor parents of the deceased, who have to bear the holidays without their children. Imagine getting the phone call that your child of only 5 years old was shot and killed at his/her elementary school. It's terrible. I pray for those families and my hearts go out to them. My heart is breaking for them and I cry for them because I cannot imagine what they are going through. I am not a mother yet, but I know that one day I will be. I also know that I have cousins, and (my someday) niece and nephew of the same ages that I could not imagine living without. I cannot express how horrible I feel about this tragedy and I hope that these families will one day be able to get back to normal, or however close to normal they can get.

I Can't Take it Anymore

I cannot bring myself to study my text book right now. The words have begun to blur together, and my comprehension of the words is lacking. I do not understand why the school schedules all the final exams within the same week. Why not spread them out over two weeks? That way students won't kill themselves studying.

I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny. I feel like I'm starting to hallucinate a bit and I'm extremely jumpy. Especially in the Strozier basement, when I work late night, such as this very night. Its creepy.

I cannot concentrate on anything at the moment. Not a bit. If I even attempt to look at my text book, I have to read the page or passage ten times before it begins to make sense to me, then I have to read it another five times in order to understand any of it.

This is ridiculous. I feel as though I'm beginning to go insane.

And I still have another two and a half years of this. That's five semesters of midterms and finals week (or as we, college students, like to call it, "hell week").

My eyes burn from being open so long, looking at a book, and my hand and fingers hurt from writing notes. My back and body are aching from sitting hunched over reading my books and my legs are sore from sitting for so long. No amount of coffee or energy drinks is helping right now. I'm so tired that the caffeine just isn't kicking it.

I have four classes to study for. Four core classes, so I have no interest in the material I am studying for, yet according the the education board we have to know this irrelevant crap for our future jobs. Even though my major is psychology.. what is knowing about Jupiter or Saturn gonna do to help a patient suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in my later field of choice?

Signed, Sleep Deprived.

November 25, 2012

Love isn't practical. It isn't meant to be easy. It doesn't appear on command. It doesn't let you fall for whomever you'd like. It surfaces neither at the most opportune moment nor in the most convenient. It'll pair you with someone you might never have expected. It'll put you face to face with endless obstacles. But in the end, none of that will matter because it's how you overcome its obstacles that will define your love. It may not be practice, but love is ultimately the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.

I want us. I want to swim in the way you make me feel; I want it to soak my clothes until it becomes a skin, and I want that skin to soak into my bones. I want to become the way it feels in the instant you stare at me from across this crowed place. - Tyler Knott Gregson

We live in a world of disposable things, but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one of a kind and there will never be another you. You are not disposable. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I've had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that everyday won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember that it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.

I'm quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that I have... and even with my faults, I am worth loving.

Inspiration

"I wish to never be parted from you, from this day on." - Mr.Darcy (Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen)

"If you always do what's interesting to you, at least one person is pleased." - Katharine Hepburn

"The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins

So many people walk around with a meaningless life, they seem half-asleep even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives you a purpose and meaning.

Act as though what you're doing is making a difference, because it is.

Why Have a Blog or a Journal?

Why do people tend to have these, these means of letting their thoughts and feelings out into written form?

I know what I've said or explained or gotten out of my head may seem pointless to many, but to me, it means everything.

The words, phrases, paragraphs, pages that I have written from my own mind and those that I have quoted from others mean so much to me. This "blog" is my diary. It's my inner most thoughts and feelings about anything and everything that happens around me. If I do not get these out into writing, I tend to go insane. This is my way of escaping from the constant stresses and problems of my day. It's sweet release. It makes me feel normal, sane.

When I let these inner thoughts of my being go, it's terrifying. But, at the same time, it's refreshing. It helps me map out what's going on in my head and it makes it easier to breathe and think in a rational manner.

Ask Alex, before I started writing or "blogging" if you will, I was crazy. I was lonely all the time and I didn't know how to fix myself. I discovered the power of writing again and honestly, it saved me and my relationship.

I had another episode of loneliness on Thursday, and I realize it was because I hadn't written anything in some time and Alex pointed that out. He really saves me from myself a lot. I love him so much. He means everything to me. He and my writing are the only things that keep me sane.

The way my mind works is not rational at all. My thoughts bounce around and escape in the most random ways and sometimes not the way I mean them to or the way I want them to and this writing helps me to make sense and direction of my thoughts.

So before you go negatively criticizing someone's blog, or journal, or painting, or writing, novel, sculpture, art, remember that it's their heart and soul materialized into something tangible. Something that has inspired them and something they hope inspires others. Something they are intensely passionate about and put their life into. Think about how it would make you feel if someone criticized your passion.

The Garden of Forking Paths

Have you ever read "The Garden of Forking Paths" by Jorge Luis Borges?

I have been mind fucked by this piece of literature.

It is possible that an "infinite series of times" is growing in a "dizzying net of divergent, convergent, and parallel TIMES"? This network of times, if it exists,  "embraces ALL possibilities of time". So if you are faced with a decision and it has multiple outcomes, those outcomes will occur at the same time in multiple times of our one universe.

Mind fucked right?

Do you believe that all the decisions we make, and of those decisions, the outcomes of which are happening at the exact same time.
Imagine, one decision we make can go in so many different directions and lead to other meetings and other decisions and other outcomes all happening at the same time, but in different universes.. it's insane just thinking about all the possibilities and how one decision could have changed our lives forever.

Where, "we do not exist in the majority of these times; in some you exist and not I; in others I, and not you; in others, both of us," and all the while these time universes are all happening at exactly the same moment.

So in this piece of literature I have had to read for my World Literature class, the piece states this, so that you understand where I'm coming from..

" I leave to the various futures (not to all) my garden of forking paths... Almost instantly I understood: 'The Garden of Forking Paths' was the chaotic novel; the phrase 'the various futures (not to all)' suggests to me the forking in time, not in space. A broad rereading of the work confirmed the theory. In all fictional works, each time a man is confronted with several alternatives, he chooses on and eliminates the others; in the fiction of Ts'ui Pen, he chooses - simultaneously - all of them. He creates, in this way, diverse futures, diverse times which themselves also proliferate and fork. Here, then, is the explanation of the novel's contradictions. Fang, let us say, has a secret; a stranger calls at his door; Fang resolves to kill him. Naturally, there are several possible outcomes: Fang can kill the intruder; the intruder can kill Fang, they both can escape, the both can die, and so forth. In the work of Ts'ui Pen, all possible outcomes occur; each one in the point of departure for other forkings."

Those forkings can then converge, diverge, or become parallel.

It's insane, the possibility of that really happening, it blew my mind. It is, although, in my opinion, completely capable. It's incredible what this one mad has thought of and what this one man has opened so man doors to.

But then I stop and think, you know how some people think that we have "old" souls and "new" souls? The concepts of the different "soul ages" makes so much more sense now. I believe I have met people in past universes and the reason I have met them now or why strangers seem so familiar is because I have ran into them in just one of the other occurring universes and we were meant to have met or come across each other for a reason. 

Dang, all this philosophical thought has my mind whirling around in itself. I think it might be time for bed before I get a head ache or start writing all over my walls because I'm obsessing over these concepts.. maybe I am in another universe.. the possibilities are endless.

I've decided

I've decided I have something that's worth writing about. Something, that for some reason, is screaming to get out.. I've decided that I'm going to write something inspirational. Something that will help you guys get through that tough time. I've done it, so I know you can do it.

I know this time is terrifying. Being alone is a scary thing. I don't know if it's so much the being alone, or if it's the fact that you're scared of yourself. Don't tell me you're not, because I thought that same thing.. I thought "how can someone be scared of themselves?" well it can happen. I was scared of myself..

I didn't know how to be alone with myself for a while, I hadn't been alone with myself in a long time. I wasn't comfortable listening to my own thoughts. I couldn't sit alone for longer than ten minutes and if I did, I was either listening to music or watching tv. That's not really being alone.

Being alone is being able to sit with yourself in the middle of a cafeteria in the midst of  a lot of people and be okay with sitting alone. Not checking your cellphone, but actually sitting and eating your food and enjoying the aloneness.

It's going to the movies by yourself. Going out to a bar or club by yourself without any intention of meeting someone and instead dancing by yourself without anyone else, just swaying to the beat and enjoying the rhythm as it overwhelms you.

It's not hard, after the initial shock of it all. Just remember, you have to do this. You CAN do this and you will learn about yourself in the midst of all your thoughts and emotions. Feel free to cry a little or maybe a lot. Hum to yourself, talk to yourself even. Don't let the opinions of others sway the way you want to spend your time with yourself. It's perfectly fine and who cares what they think anyways, you'll probably never see them again.

Remember, it does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you. It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end, and you've still got a long way to go. That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most.

Even in this hard time, you will make it through. You have to believe in yourself, otherwise you won't. 

The truth that many people don't understand, until it's too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer. because, the smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to the fear of being hurt. 

So here's some advice for you, learn from your past. Mistakes, errors in judgement, flaws you failed to see. Learn from every experience. What has torn you up and what about? Don't let it happen again. Don't make the same mistake twice, don't ignore the signs. Just follow your mind and your heart, and learn from what life throws at you.

Busy Life

I assume it's about time for another one of these. I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to express myself on here like I normally do.

Well, here goes..

I've been working and doing school work non stop. Last week was my birthday so I had a lot of partying to do and didn't have anytime to write. It felt horrible, like my fingers where itching to type out my thoughts but I just didn't have to time to do so. & now that I sit here, I feel as though I have nothing to write.

So, I think I'm just going to talk about my every day life and see where this conversation I'm going to have with my self takes me.

My hamster, Jack got a really huge scratch on his nose last week and for a while I just left him alone because I figured it would heal by itself. It didn't, it got really bad so I went to the pest store and spent $30 on my damn rodent on some medicine that will help him heal. Whatever, I love the little guy and it does look a lot better.

Damn, I feel like my life is so uneventful. I'm talking about my stupid hamster on my blog. This is ridiculous. My life is so boring if I think about it. I always feel as though it's so amazing and crazy and at times it is. But recently it's been nothing but studying, class, and work work work. I feel like I've been neglecting my friends and spending all the free time I have with Alex. Which I kind of have been doing. I need to stop that, I'm not that girl that's so far up her boyfriend's ass that she has no other life. I love him to death, but he's not my world. I mean, he is, but you know what I mean. I don't revolve around him. We're not married, we have separate lives, and we live in different cities. We spend so much money constantly trying to see each other and recently we've been seeing each other more than we have been apart. I love it, I do, but I don't think it's healthy for us to be doing that so much. But I love seeing him and being rapped in his arms. It sucks. I feel so conflicted about this area. I'll just leave it for now and figure it out later.

As for Carrigan, she is doing so much better and I am so proud of her. She's such a fantastic human being and I'm happy she's beginning to figure that out. I'm happy that she is becoming dependent on herself and happy with herself rather than someone else. She's strong and I'm happy that she is realizing this.

I guess I'll write more again when I actually have something worth writing.

Collection of Thoughts and Quotations

"If ever there comes a time when we're not together... there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh

I do not intend to tip toe through life only to arrive safely at death.

To your enemy, give forgiveness. To an opponent, give tolerance. To a friend, give your heart. To a customer give service. To all, give charity. To every child, give a good example. To yourself, give respect.

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are.

I still believe that all you need is love.

"If a man whistles at you, do not respond. You are not a dog, you are a lady." - Adele

Don't depend on someone that brings you down. Instead, find something inside yourself that lifts you up at your weakest hour. Find that and use it to pull everyone else up too.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

I think happiness comes from self-acceptance. We all try different things, and we find some comfortable sense of who we are. We look at our parents and learn and grow and move on. We change.

Perception

No matter what circumstances life throws in your direction, you have to believe that you can handle it. It’s really about our perception. There’s no such thing as a bad circumstance. All those things we perceive as bad are actually real growing experiences in life. You have to see that everything that happened to you has come into your life for a reason, and we are challenged in life because that’s what life is all about. Life’s about how we deal with those challenges.

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. Believe in yourself always. Believe that you can do ANYTHING you want with your day, month, year, life.. It's all up to you to make something of yourself and if you see yourself going down a path that you did not expect it's no one's fault but your own. You are who you are because you made yourself that way. People can only influence you so much, but honestly you won't do anything you really don't want to do, so make something better of yourself. Something productive and positive. Don't sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by, spread your wings and fly with the rest of us.

New anthem for my being:

Shadow Days - John Mayer

Did you know that you could be wrong
And swear you're right
Some people been known to do it all their lives
But you find yourself alone just like you found yourself before
Like I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor

Hard times have helped me see
I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now

And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
Well I ain't no troublemaker

And I never meant her harm
But that doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on
Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel
Hard times, let me be

I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

I'm a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here and I'm right now
And I'm open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now


I'm not longer in those dark times that I was in for so long and I want to help everyone that is where I have been. I want to help them realize it doesn't last forever and life gets better, in order for it so do so, you have to change your perspective.

Happy Note: Birthday - 6 days and counting!

Friendship

Am I a good friend? I like to think that I am. I like to think that every single person who has called me their friend and who I have called my friend has thought of me as a good friend.

As someone that's compassionate, and someone that cares. I like to think that I, in some way, have helped every single person that I have known closely. That I, in some way or another, have made a profound impact on each of them.

I hope that I have been the person that someone else knew they could count on. I hope that my closest friends can trust me with their secrets and can come to me if they are ever in need.

And all I can think about is Carrigan. I hope she's doing okay. I know she's going through a rough time right now. Leaving Craig behind is not going to be an easy task. She loves him, with everything that she has to give and even more than that. There is no limit to her love for him, but all the same I know she needs to let go of him, if only just for a short time.

He needs time and space to grow and change and to understand himself and to know himself and to find himself (honestly, she needs to do the same). Right now, he's lost. She knows it just as well as I do. There is no way that he could ever come to love her the way she loves him if he does not first love himself. I know he's a bit conceded, but that is because he knows he's smart. It's not because he thinks he's talented or because he thinks he's a great person. All that matters to him at this point are his intelligence level and weed. In all honesty.

That's not healthy. At all.

All the same, I know she's given him every part of her being and I know that breaking away from him is going to be really hard. I know that it will take it's toll on her emotionally and physically. I know the strength it takes to get through it and I pray, hard, that she can handle it. That she is strong enough. & I think she is. I think she can make it through this time but all the same I know she won't be able to do it alone. That is why I CONSTANTLY hope and pray that she is letting those people at UNCW in her "bubble" in. I hope that she is learning to rely on them. I can only be there for her so much. I can't be there in 10 minutes to come hold her.. I live 6-8 hours away. I wish I could be there like that, but I know she knows that she can call me.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved Meghan as much as I’ve come to this year. She truly wants the best for me & loves me, I’m coming to realize that she’s someone I can call at three in the morning, who’s going to do her best to offer me support & advice. I fucking love her. & it’s a shame that I’ve only recently realized that.

These words describing me, coming from her own finger tips on her very own blog, have never meant so much to me. These words make me feel incredible and I only hope that my words of encouragement can make her feel the same. I hope that my words empower her to push through this time and I hope that my words inspire her to be all that she can be.

I want her to know that she can do anything and everything her heart and mind desire. I especially want her to know that she can do it by herself. That she doesn't need Craig or me for that matter. That she is magnificent and strong and beautiful. I want her to know that, yeah, this time is bad and it hurts but once she pushes through it, she can do anything, and that the time that follows will be amazing.

I have news for you.  The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell. & That I know, you can do it.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gifted ability, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home, a person.

So I hope that her attitude about this hard time is positive. That she will make it through and she will prosper afterward. I hope she listens to encouraging music over depressing even though those depressing songs reach right down to your soul. To the very core of your being, to your foundation. But that the happy, encouraging songs will help push through and will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just remember, it’s not the end of the world yet. But you don’t wait until then to tell him. To tell him that you're moving on and letting him go and letting you and him grow. The worst thing isn’t the end of the world. It’s what you didn’t finish; what you didn’t say when you had the chance. And what you need to say is this:

"I'm done. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot let you torture me day in and day out. We both need space to grow, and understand ourselves. So, I'm letting go. I'm letting you go and I'm letting myself go. I will always be here for you, but all the same.. I cannot hurt anymore. I can choose, and what I choose is happiness and right now, you cannot give that to me no matter how much you want to and I cannot expect you to give it me no matter how much I want you to. So goodbye for now.. Remember I will always love you, but I have to go." 

Apartment Bitch Fit

So my roommate.. she has to be one of the most inconsiderate, unintelligent, smoked out, irresponsible, incommunicable, disrespectful people I have ever met.

Exhibit A: Anytime something of hers goes missing, she blames one of us. Or if she uses all of something and she's too high to remember that she's used it.. she blames it on us. BITCH! We are not using your shit. We have our own shit. And if you leave a TINY bit of bleach in the bottom of the bottle.. it's a liquid, it dries up like any other liquid. We didn't use it, you did.

Exhibit B: She comes home at like 3 AM (high as shit, I might add) and proceeds to cook a full-fledged meal. Like fish and sides and bread and whatever ever else you make for a Thanksgiving meal and in the process of doing so, slams all the cabinet doors, turns the faucet on full blast, moves plates around and everything and it's loud as fuck and I CAN HEAR EVERY BIT OF IT, MY ROOM IS RIGHT THERE! Bitch, stop.

Exhibit C: Every single time she enters or exits the front door she slams the damn thing. Again, my room is right there. When you come into our apartment at 3 in the morning, there is no need to wake me up because you slammed the damn door. I'm sorry, not everyone is a fucking night owl like you.. STOP. I am not a happy person when you wake me up for no damn reason slamming the door and shit. Bitch.

Exhibit D: You call us antisocial.. well, let me tell you something. Every time we see you, you have your damn headphones in. How the hell are we supposed to communicate with you if you have those damn things in your ears, turned on full blast no doubt. We try to talk to you, and you don't respond so we tap you on the shoulder and you get a fucking attitude with us because you have to listen to us.. That is what communication is.. it is talking to someone, that person listening and then replying while the other person listens. Not to mention you never come out of your room when you're here. The only time you do it's to accuse us of using something of yours. It's not that hard and it'd be nice if you weren't so damn rude.

Exhibit E: The reason you have bugs in your room is because you keep nasty dirty dishes in there all the fucking time because your too damn lazy to get up and carry them to the kitchen and clean them. It's not that hard. You don't even have to clean them right then, you can wait til the morning but at least they're in the sink and not all over your bedroom.

To say that least, she's horrible. Everyone else in the apartment gets along great. She's like the black sheep and I'm speaking for all of us when I say, no one likes her. She's disgusting. She's rude. She's inconsiderate. Like damn, just be civil. It's not hard to be nice to people, it's actually a lot easier than being mean. Not to mention I've been dealing with this for about 4 months now. I've held it in long enough. I put a note on the refrigerator that says, "Quit slamming the front door!" and you better believe when she confronts me about it.. I'm gonna go off.

Adventures

ad-ven-ture /adˈvenCHər/

noun:  An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
verb:  Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory: "they had      adventured into the forest".
synonyms:  noun.  venture

verb.  risk - venture - hazard - jeopardize - dare - jeopard

 

I am obsessed with adventures. I am more than obsessed, I am passionate about them. They are what keep me going (Aside from Alex, he's my everything). For me, adventures happen every day in the most unusual ways. Going to the grocery store is an adventure for me because you never know who you'll meet or run into or what you'll discover or what will happen to you along the way. 

 

I love and am terrified by them. I love that they hold so much potential, so much meaning without us even knowing, and so much excitement. I am terrified by the fact that each one can change you drastically. 

 

College was an adventure, so many new faces and new experiences and friends to make. So many people that I didn't know and of whom I had the potential to know. They, like me, were going through the experience of knowing no one, and getting thrown into a town, knowing nothing about it. We, as a group of individuals, had to learn to bond with each other and become a group as a whole in order to survive college. So I made friends, friends that I know will last a lifetime no matter where we end up or how far away from each other we are. 

 

I think my greatest adventure was Alex. This one, like my college adventure, isn't over yet. It won't ever be over. But this one, was the scariest for me and it became down right horrible for a while there, but now it's better. It was the scariest of all because he was my best friend and in becoming a couple we could have lost that forever and at one point I thought I had, but we found each other again, and we hit rough patches and we continue to, but we learn from each other and grow with each other and push through all the bad. 

 

And for the rest of you.. Adventures are incredible. Each month, day, hour, minute, and second can become an adventure. Don't ever say no to going to the grocery store with a friend, or just going for a walk. You never know what could happen. You could find $20 or meet the love of your life. Strive on my friends, and always go with your gut (or your heart) because sometimes, they know better than your head.

 

and Carrigan, keep your head up darling. Push through this bad time. Make new friends and rely on yourself for a change. Don't rely on other people to make your happy or to have your back. Sometimes you have to do it yourself instead. You cannot begin to love someone else unless you love yourself first. Find yourself, and enjoy yourself before you try to do the same with others. Stay strong, persevere. You can do this. I know you can. If I can, I know you can. You will do this and you will be stronger and better for it. I love you.  

Soaring

My heart is in the clouds right now. It's insane how much I love Alex and I feel like I'm such a horrible person for all the bad I have done to him.

I hope he learns to forgive me and love him like I do now. I've always loved him, and I loved him like this before and it was so long ago that I have forgotten that love I had for him. It's back and with a vengeance. I don't know why It's taken me so long to realize this and I'm kicking myself for it. I've finally let him back in and in the process I've pushed him away and now he has to learn to love like this again.

I've hurt him so much and I feel so horrible about it. I just hope. Pray. Plead. That he will love me the same again. If we could finally get on the same page.. We would be unstoppable.

He told me today about his want for a child with me and it caught me off guard, but now that I think about it, it was probably the sweetest thing anyone could ever say to another in love. He makes me melt. And I know this sounds so giddy and happy and mushy all over the place, but that's what I am. I'm a mess of happy emotions right now and it feels so amazing.

I hope, and pray that he will feel the same about me and until then, I'm not giving up on him. I never will. At this point, it's like he's my life line. He's everything to me and if I lose him I will collapse to the ground and I won't get up. I won't. Not again. I will be destroyed. To the point of no return. And I wish he could understand that I'll never hurt him again and I hope he'll learn that I'm here to stay, not straying ever. He's everything. I will never leave his side and I will do anything to keep it that way. I'll do anything for him. ANYTHING.

I hate this feeling of him having complete control over me again, but at the same time I love it. I know he won't do me wrong so I'm not scared of it. I like him having this effect on me and it will never change. Not ever again. I know who I am now and I know what I want and he is that thing. He is that person. Forever and Always.

And to follow up about Carrigan, she's taken my advice and advancing on it and I hope she continues to do so and doesn't falter. It will make her stronger and if, in the future, she and Craig get back together.. It will make them stronger together and as individuals and I hope she will learn that one day. Until then, it's a waiting game with time at the upper hand. I hope she can handle it and I know now, that she knows I will always be here for her no matter what and she can fall on me when need be. She can call me at three AM and I will answer and talk to her and I will sing or semi-scream those crazy songs with her and I will be her life line until she finds another. I'll be her back bone and her support until she finds herself and can lean on herself.

For Carrigan

You know my opinion about Craig. I'll leave that for you to think about, I don't want to post anything about your relationship other than you know I'm not a fan of him and you KNOW I hate that he fucking destroyed you.

Yes, you know my history with Alex, but our history is completely different than yours. You need to know that shit went down with us, but through it all we both love each other uncontrollably and I feel like Craig does not have the same love for you as you have for him and my advice for you is to let him go. If you love him, YOU WILL LET HIM GO. You will stop texting him. Calling him. Loving him.

I know, you'll never truly stop loving him. I KNOW THIS. But if you let him go and he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't yours to begin with and if he does come back then he always was yours. You'll never know that though unless you let him go completely. The way he acts toward you, just from my experience from being around the both of you, I realize that he does not feel the same about you. I know he cares about you, but not in the same way. At all. LET HIM GO.

Move on baby girl and let him move on. If he does find the right one for him and get engaged and has rugrats.. you need to learn to not love him. You need to learn to love someone that's right for you. You need to give someone the chance to love you and you need to love someone else in return. Sure, I know it hurts. It's difficult, it is, but you need to let someone in besides him and not just me. I know you trust me to tell your secrets to but I do have an understanding ear, but I'm tired of you being so upset with yourself and your life. I want you to find someone else besides me and Craig that have understanding ears and that care for you the same as I care for you. I want you to find someone that cares for unconditionally and someone that loves you always. I want someone to tell you you're beautiful all the time and that you are worth everything and I know there is someone out there that will do exactly that but you won't ever find that person unless you open up. Let someone in.

Be outgoing, don't shut everyone out, learn to love. EVERYONE. Not just Craig. I learned that. You saw how incredibly depressed I was but I bounced back. If I can, I know you can. After everything that happened with me and Alex, I learned to love again and honestly.. It made me a better and stronger person. Read "On Becoming a Person" by Carl Rogers. Yes, it's psychology but it teaches you to not judge yourself or anyone else but to UNDERSTAND yourself and others and they way you are the way you and the way people are the way they are. You need to learn these things in order to feel better. You need to learn to love EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. But you won't do that until you find yourself.

It's not an easy task. It hurts and it's scary. Finding yourself IS FUCKING TERRIFYING. Your thoughts and emotions threaten to choke you all the time. LET THEM OUT. In a way that's not harmful to yourself. In a beautiful way that will encourage yourself and strengthen you.

I found myself by writing, it's something I'm passionate about. I know you like writing and I'm hoping it's something your passionate about. Enough so, that when you're writing your heart soars and you feel liberated.. That's how it is for me. Getting my thoughts out in this non-harmful way helps me and I want you to find something that does the same for you, if you haven't found it already.

I know you love Craig, and care for him, but until he finds himself he will never be able to give you what you want from him. So you need to leave him alone and let him do that. If he destroys himself it's not on you. Stop blaming  yourself for his unhappiness, it's not your fault it's his. I'm tired of watching him hurt you without even knowing it or doing it on purpose cause he just doesn't care. And if you don't ever find yourself, you won't be able to give him or anyone else yourself entirely like you need to do again. It's hard, it hurts, it's scary, but let down your walls because the higher you build them, when you do fall, the more it will hurt. So stop building them so tall and bring them down brick by brick and let people in.

Overflowing

My thoughts are over flowing tonight for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. Not because I do not know how, but because I do not know why. I feel as though I just need to write, to express myself but I don't know what to write about. I don't have any tangible thoughts, no processes that need to be explained or thoughts that need to be heard. I just feel the need to mindlessly type out words that have no actual meaning that have nowhere to go.

Words destroy our thoughts. Something that seems so infinite is brought down to merely life size with words. Think about it. The word "love" to us that ONE word means so much, but to other cultures and languages it means only one concept and there are multiple forms of that one concept, multiple words.Such as the "love" of a mother or a "love" of an object or "love" of a friend. So why does the English language not have the same? Why is this infinite concept reduced to one puny four letter word?

My thoughts cannot escape me tonight because the right words are not coming to me. My thoughts are about everything and nothing at all at the same time. I've never had this problem when I comes to writing my feelings and emotions, I normally know exactly which word to use and where I should use it and what for. Tonight, though, that usual knowledge evades me. It seems as though I have a lot on my mind, but really as I sit here and think about it, I don't. Is the reason I can't find words to describe this, because I do not know exactly what I'm thinking about to begin with? I do not have a clear concept about what is going on in my head right now.. Is that why I can't find words to describe my thoughts, words that normally fit like pieces in this never ending puzzle that I do not know the picture of?

Swami Vivekanada says, "We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far."


So, if my thoughts are of nothing and have no clear focus, am I that? Or is it just that my thoughts have manifested themselves in action that I have taken and the path I have pursued and now I'm lost? I thought I was finding the end of this maize. No, I know I'm on the right path. I'm better than I was last year. I'm a better person. I've began to humble myself and look at things in a new light. To look at the world and people differently. To not be so shallow and to not think of myself and only myself. To care about others more and the way they feel. I've learned to control myself and my impulses. To think of things before I do something. So why is it that tonight my thoughts confuse me? Why is my mind so restless? Why does it seem like what comes next is such a mystery when recently it's been so clear? Am I at the end of the path I was trying to find? Is it time for me to start a new journey and travel down a path not taken and see where that leads me? Is it time for me to take the next step in the journey of life? But what is that next step? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

October 3, 2012

It's officially fall, the leaves are beinning to change and the air is crisp. It's been cloudy latelly and rainy but I still love the cooler weather.

I like to sit outside the Starbucks on my college campus at the University of West Georgia and I like to people watch. I like to watch body movement and body language as others ineract with each other. I like to watch how someone reacs to another or how people hold themselves when they're walking around alone.

I see people all the time looking so glum with their heads poined to he ground. Look up, look around, stop frowning, stop pouting. Enjoy the lie you live whether you're alone or not. Enjoy the presence of yourself. Learn to love yourself. I see girls by themselves all the time and the just look so miserable unil they meet their friends. Smile, you don't know the help you can give someone with a simple smile.

The girl you saw the other day that seemed really upset, I'm sure that if you had given her a simple smile it would have made her day. Or if you had stopped and given five minutes of your day to a complete stranger it could have been even better.. So stop, we're all human. We all have feelings, emotiongs, rough times, happy times, bad days and good days. Be kind to each other. Smile all he time. Love thy neighbor. Enjoy the company of others. Be joyful throughout the day. Be happy that you are alive and the people around you are alive.

And when you're down remember, think of the happiest things. It's the same as having wings. Always bring yourself up. Don' fall into the depths of dreperession. The darkness. The sadness. Stop before you go down that road. Think of the happy times of the times with friends and the times that make you smile. And then,
surround yourself by people who are only gonna lift you higher. Be with the people that make you happy. If you don't want to be with others you know, sit in a coffee shop. Enjoy the quiet whispers of the people around you and jazz music coming through he speakers. Like I am today. Like I do everyday. There is always a reason to be happy even if there are ten reasons to be sad. Focus on the positive. Life's too short to be upset all the time.

Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realise your friend wasn't ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realise all along that you've been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn't done that. You then learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have you downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You wonder if your lief is just one big movie. You look at others and wish you were them. you then realise who they are and are glad that you're you. You love life. You hate life. In the end you just find yourself happy to be living life, no matter what's thrown at you.

Everyone

Every single person in this world is struggling. You're not the only one. EVER.

You are not the only one having to stay up late studying because you have three tests tomorrow and five papers due next week. You're not the only one having two work four jobs because you're so far in debt you can't breathe. You're not the only one who is alone tonight. You're not the only one who feels, even if you're in a large group of people, you're still alone.

But think of it this way too, no matter how bad you got it, I'm sure someone out there probably has it worse. Think about third world countries.. They can't even bathe or eat on the regular. Some are dying of starvation, others of dehydration because they don't have clean drinking water. Then there are some that are dying simply because they have a cold or because they have a fever because they don't have medicine like we do.

So, if you're like me, typing away on your laptop.. Think about it the next time you complain about something. At least you're in a house or apartment right now with a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your stomach, and shoes on your feet. Think, hey, I have a laptop, and an x-box or wii or playstation or whatever. Think, I have a car. Think I have a job. Think I have a phone, probably a smart phone at that. Think I have clothes, and more than one outfit. I have a bed, a shower, a toothbrush. Think, I'm getting an education and if you're in college like me, that education is not coming cheap or easy.

So yeah, life's rough. It's hard. You have to push through it sometimes and cry other times. NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS EASY.  But you know what, you have it a LOT better than most of the world and even if it is hard, you're not going through this alone. I'm sure you have someone that if you needed them, they would drop everything at that moment for you. As I typed those words, I knew who that person was for me, and I'm lucky enough to have more than one, but I'm sure as you read those words, you know who your person is too. I'm sure every single one of you has a person. Someone who without you even asking will be there in a heartbeat. Who you can call crying and who will ask you if they need you to beat their ass. You know who I'm talking about. Make sure you appreciate them. Appreciate them everyday. You never know who you're going to lose or when so say thank you every now and then and stop complaining so damn much. You've got it pretty good compared to others. So, shut the fuck up.

No!

I hate it when people don't take NO for a freakin' answer. Like seriously, I said no.

Stop. Stop trying to make moves on me. Stop trying to constantly "woo" me. STOP IT! I have a boyfriend. He's the love of my life. We have been through so much that you have NO IDEA ABOUT. We are "perfect" together. As close to perfect that any two people can be.

So stop! I'm not going to fall for you or be persuaded by you to think that we could have something better than I already have. I LOVE HIM. Not you, I will never love you. Simple as that.

Stop trying to get me to tell you how I feel, honestly.. I have no feelings for you. Other than that of, "you're a cool dude and I wish we could be friends." Nothing more than that. I want to be your FRIEND.

I know this sounds cruel, and harsh but, I mean, this is how I FEEL. If you want to know so bad than here ya go. Nothing less and nothing more.

I'm in love with Alex, not you. Plain and simple as day and night. You are nothing like him, you know nothing about me, and Alex and I know everything about each other. There's no competing with him. No competition once so ever. So stop and TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

Talking

I have a problem with people talking about me behind my back. Especially about situations that I've gone to them personally about. Seriously? If you have a problem with me, just tell me! If I have gone to you asking about certain things PERSONALLY, I expect you to be honest with me and just tell me straight up. I don't know how you feel about the topic. I don't know what you're thinking. Sure, I'm a psychology major but no amount of studying will enable me to KNOW what YOU'RE thinking!

Don't go talk about me to OUR friend and then expect her to tell me what YOU want to tell me. JUST STRAIGHT OUT, point blank tell me what you feel. It's much more honorable to tell me to my face or in person than to hear it through the grape vine. It's not going to hurt my feelings. It takes A LOT to hurt my feelings. If it's how you feel I'll understand. I'll back off, I'll leave you alone. Don't keep things secret from me for fear of my ear. I will understand you, and everything you say.

I want to know these things. I don't want to overstep boundaries and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I want to be able to share things with you and you share things with me in the same manner. I want you to tell me your secrets so I can tell you mine and know that I can trust you to keep them. How am I supposed to be able to trust you, if you can't trust me? If you can't trust me to not blow up over something that's as petty as this?

If I've overstayed my welcome, TELL ME! If you're annoyed by me, TELL ME! I know I talk to much, so if you want me to shut up for a while, TELL ME! If you don't want me around as much, FUCKING TELL ME! Damn. It's not that hard to let your feelings be known without going to someone else to talk about me. Just come to my face. I'm not going to get angry with you. I'm going to understand you, and I'll do what you ask. What gets me angry, is that fact that you couldn't tell me yourself. You couldn't be honest with me. Shit, if I have a problem, I promise I'll be honest with you.

Fall

There's  little pep in my step. They air is crisp. Scarves and boots have come out of the back of the closet. Why? AUTUMN IS HERE!

This is my favorite time of the year. The weather is amazing. It's perfect outside, it's not too hot and it's not too cold. Sweaters, boots, long socks, scarves, hats, and gloves all come out of the bins that have been put in storage to hibernate throughout the summer. The leaves change and come to life as they flutter between branch and ground. Rosy cheeks become known in the crisp air and everyone moves a little faster to get out of the brisk wind.

It's gorgeous, this world we live in. So many people take it for granted. Stop for a moment. Just a moment and look around. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? This world is a beautiful place. We are destroying it little by little bit. Eventually, if we don't do something about it now, it will look like Wall-E. I don't want that to happen to this wonderful planet of ours. It's too pretty. So green, and lush, and bustling with so much life and so much potential. The colors are vibrant, the animals are cute, the sounds are melodious and beautiful. Why are we so intent on destroying what is already so beautiful with out buildings, lights, cars, planes, boats..? When was the last time you could truly look at the stars & SEE them? It's almost in possible now because of all the city lights.

Why is the darkness so horrible for some? The darkness isn't scary. Darkness is calm. Peaceful. Nothing for you to see to worry. Nothing distracting you from your thoughts. So why is is so scary? Dark is not scary. The things that COULD be in the dark are scary but, there isn't always something there. Sometimes, we let our minds get the best of us. Close your eyes, open your ears, smell with your nose, and feel with your hands. It's not that bad once you get used to the dark. To being alone and listening to your own thoughts ramble. Do it sometime, see what it feels like. Stop destroying this world. Don't be afraid of the dark & maybe you'll be able to see the stars. "It's often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars." 

 

My "Family"

My "family" consists of about 975398769876 college students. Okay, that's over exaggerating a little bit but, there is: Tony, Dallas, Jonathan (JK), Kristine, Hope, Hazel, Joy, Taylor, & Charlie So 9 people to say the least. 

We are the most obnoxious, crazy, loud, hysterical, sympathetic, always there for each other, drunken, stupid, loving group of people you will ever meet. We party, and when we party, we party hard. I'll bet you anything you won't beat me and Tony at beer pong and I'll bet you anything Taylor and I can drink you under the table. We enjoy life. Every single one of us and each one of us brings something different to the table. Tony = the asshole douche bag who's really a nice guy on the inside who we all go to for relationship advice even though we all know that sometimes we shouldn't. Dallas = The artsy, random, ADD, awesomely friendly and sweet guy who plays the guitar and makes everyone smile all the time. JK = the teddy bear nerd who's the best snuggler you'll ever find and will find a way to pretty much beat you at any online computer or video game. Kristine = she's awesome and can fit in just about anywhere, we all love her and she goes with the flow she can be calm and quiet or crazy and loud just depends on the environment. Hope = she's the hippie, peace, love, and earth girl. We love her to death because I honestly think she's the most rational of the group she's almost always the mediator in the group. Hazel = just hazel, she knows everyone, she's philosophical and a "mini-person" according to Tony she's such a sweet heart and everyone loves her TONS. Joy = Hope's sister, she's an awesome listener and she's really down to earth. Taylor = the hysterical, funny, crazy, loud, out of this world one. She brings the funny no matter the situation & her boyfriend Charlie is just kinda on for the ride. If he can stick it out with her she better husband that dude. As for me, I'm the loud, always talking, exciting one. If it's quiet they always ask where I am. I bring adventure into the group. We all mesh really well and we all love each other to bits.

We have this motto: "shit out family says." Here are some awesome examples: There's always room for one more (shot that is), In this family we get stupid, my change has tasted, you think you're drinking fast - you're not drinking fast enough, BITCH! and many many more. 

So yeah, we're a little insane. But I promise you, we're probably the most amazing group of people you'll ever meet. I love them all so so so much. Without them, I probably don't know where I'd be because I know I can always count on at least ONE of them to be there for me if not ALL of them if I ever needed them. We're a family. We don't give up on each other and we shotgun in the shower. We stick together through thick and thin and we pile 6 to a bed. Some of us chain smoke and some of us are virgins and it's quite alright, we wouldn't trade any of us for anything else and that's a fact.

So here's my advice: LIVE LIFE damnit! Live like me and my family. Don't give a shit what others think of you. We sure as hell don't give a damn about any of you, we just want to party and we just want to make sure you're having the time of your lives with us. Don't settle for anything but awesome, be stupid, be drunk, be classy, love like no other, and drink like your liver really wants it. You have only one life to do whatever you want with. In one hundred years no one will remember the stupid mistakes you made, so make a fool of yourself while you still have the chance because if you spend all your life trying to be the coolest kid around you will never be happy with yourself. Not to mention, the cool kids are us & we're making a fool of ourselves. It's okay, join in the fun.

Alone

I have come to realize that I suck at being alone. I found this out a long time ago actually and I've never done anything to make it better until this year. Being alone is hard. Listening to your own thoughts and feelings is even harder. I've gotten better. A lot better, last year I could be alone for longer than ten minutes before I started getting jittery and started itching to do something or go somewhere. I couldn't listen to my thoughts. I couldn't give them the chance to escape. To make themselves known. My thoughts were terrifying. Horrific.

Now, they've settled some. I've found a way to cope with being alone. I found that my words are strong and powerful and sometimes they can help people. So, I started writing. My own secret escape from my thoughts and the world that shaped and formed my thoughts. I learned to control them. To make them known in a safe way. In a way that wasn't threatening to myself or others. I learned that my words can describe anything I want them to as long as I arranged them accordingly.

I've always wondered if I didn't like being alone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. I think that was part of the problem. I think I was afraid that my thoughts would harm me, or others. I was afraid that they were too powerful to contain, control, conquer. I'm happy now. MUCH happier than I was then. Learning to control myself. To control what I'm thinking and the actions that come forth following those words.

I was uncontrollable. I was irrational. I didn't think about anything but, I thought about everything at the same time. I was in a dark and miserable place. Not being able to escape myself.. So I would use other people to try to heal myself. I was seeking refuge in my "friends" trying to find anything to do with my time besides listen to the voice in my head. No I'm not schizophrenic, I just had all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, that constantly tried to escape that I couldn't control. I couldn't let them out. I couldn't.

But I found that keeping those in was what was really hurting me. I found that if I let them out in a beautiful and personal way that I could achieve satisfaction at such a high standard that I'd never felt before. I found that writing these words, such as the words I'm writing now would help me escape from that reality if only for a short moment. My thoughts were no longer threatening to choke me, or take the life out of me. I no longer need constant companionship. I no longer feel the need to sleep the day away if I cannot find anyone to accompany me in something during all parts of the day. I can breathe easy, with an open heart. My skies are no longer clouded and I feel joy and warmth again. I'm alive and I can see clearly and I feel amazing because of this amazing realization that my feelings can be controlled, they can escape if I do it the right way. Sometimes, we just have to let go of all those thoughts in our head, get them out, even if it is just going on paper.

Alex

I love him, with all my heart. He's never away from my mind and I honestly just want to be wrapped up in his arms all the time.

He's my wonder wall, my safety, when I'm upset I run to him, when I'm happy I run to hi. Why have I been so stupid and so blind for so long? He's everything to me. If I lost him, I'd be lost. I'd lose myself. Destroyed. He means the world to be. He lights up my heart and makes me feel alive, whenever he touches me he leaves a trail of goosebumps. He warms the dark parts of my soul and leaves me feelings splendid.

I have no worries or frights when I'm with him. I am bright and happy when I'm with him, no longer in a depression. He lifts the haze that I'm always in and I truly smile around him, not just that usual fake smile I put on but a genuine warm glowing smile.

We fit together. We fit well. Like puzzle pieces, his hand fits mine and when I snuggle up against him, I fit right under his arm. That is perfection to me. We are perfect together. We balance each other and sometimes we push each other to our breaking points. Relationships aren't easy, we fight and disagree, yes but, at the end of the day, we ALWAYS realize that we really BELONG together. I was made for him, and he molded for me.

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quite understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It's loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weakness." -Ann Landers

September 24, 2012

I think I what I hate most is when people tell me I'm perfect. I am in NO WAY perfect.

Let's think of all the things that are merely physical that aren't perfect about me:

I am WAY too skinny, honestly. I'm not unhealthy, but I'm so skinny I look unhealthy. One of my boobs is significantly bigger than the other. To the point my bra fits one boob funny. My right one to be exact. My ears are crooked. One of my eyes is closed more than the other at all times. I have the weirdest hair line with a TON of cowlicks. I bit my nails, so those are never perfect. My teeth.. they're fucked up. One foot is bigger than the other, so one shoe is always too big. No matter what. My face always has at least one blemish that just looks horrible. I have a lot of muscle, but they're not defined so I just look tiny. I have weird freckles.. all over my body in random places. My eyebrows get really bushy if I don't monitor and control them. MY hair is crazy. It has a mind of its own. I talk too much.

And emotionally, I'm fucked. Just to say a few:
I am spastic in my thought processes. I'm an emotional roller coaster that always leads to an emotional train wreck. I have mild OCD. I think highly of myself, almost to being conceded at times. I'm irrational when I need to be rational and vice versa. I can't make a decision to save my life. I'm fucking hard headed as shit. I lie sometimes. I can be greedy. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm a horrible person.

I'm not saying these things to bring myself down or get sympathy from others. I'm happy with myself truly. I'm saying these things to prove I'm not perfect so don't let me I'm "perfection personified" don't even tell me I'm "perfectly flawed." DO NOT USE PERFECT in any description of me.

I know I'm not perfect, therefore I don't want to be described as such. Not even looked at as such. In general, I am happy with myself, yes. Although, I know I need to make many improvements within myself. I'm working on it. It doesn't just happen overnight.

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of splendid failure to do the impossible." - William Faulkner
 

People

 So, you’ll come across so many people in your life. Ones you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. You come across people you will love, very much. But sometimes love isn’t enough to tackle all the obstacles in life and you will have to deal with the heartbreak of knowing that that person you love is gone and you’re left, alone, to try your very hardest to fall out of love. To do something you never thought you’d have to do. Just keep your head held high. Don’t let it get to you, don’t fall apart. Clear your heart and let it go. And when it comes around again, let love in. Because you never know. It’s all about having faith.

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive.

 Here we are, standing at some point of our lives where both of us are clueless. Somehow passing this point makes it too hard to go back, back to days where nothing mattered, where we lived carefree. Maybe somehow we need to go back, maybe we just aren’t ready. I’m not sure, and I’m scared. I’m scared to ruin what we’ve already started, and scared to go on to something I can’t handle.

September 22, 2012

We're all miracles. You know why? Because as humans, everyday we go about our business, and all that time, we know the things we love are the people we love can, at any time, be taken away. We live knowing this and we keep going anyway.

Tonight, Alex and I almost got killed by a deer. It came out of nowhere and hit the side of his mustang, if it was anymore to the right, the deer could have killed me.

It just reminded me that life is short. I can't waste it with people that I don't love and people who don't love me. I can't waste it doing things I don't want to do. I need to live to the fullest and enjoy life. So, here's my advice: Take many deep breaths. Smell the fresh air and drink chamomile tea. Life is VERY short. We spend more time in our lifetimes dead than alive.

Challenge

I like to challenge myself in many ways. I go from being raw and deviant to light and observant, vulgar and blunt to eloquent and gentle. It doesn't always work, but I fucking commit to it like no one you know.

I know what it’s like to be so mad, you go into this blind rage and don’t even remember what you said or did. I know what it’s like to be so heartbroken, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I know what it’s like to have so many bad things happen to you,you start to lose faith in everything. However, I also know times of pure joy and happiness. And if I can just keep my mind set on those, I know I’ll make it through all of the hard times. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find the faith I thought I had lost forever.

 Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.

 We learn to deal with things our own way. A lot of the time people want to help, but when they try to, it just makes the whole thing more upsetting cause then you realize you can't be helped. Maybe you're trapped in this mess, and all you need to do is just take a step away from the situation, and look at it from the outside in, and realize, 'Hey, this is my life - take it or leave it.'

September 20, 2012

Blue Bird - Charles Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
Stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
But I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with out
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
 weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai - A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to be a wake up to us all. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Lying to myself?

I've been lying to myself. Telling myself he's not the right one for me. Telling myself I can live without him when I can't. He's everything to me and I miss him more than anything. Honestly, he's my world. He's my best friend. My everything.

I miss falling asleep on the phone with him every night and I miss texting and talking to him all day. I miss him in all aspects. Being in his arms at night. Feeling him pull me closer to him in his sleep. I miss his sweet kisses and his warm hugs. I miss him ALWAYS being there.

His presence makes me smile and his smile makes me smile. Why have I been so stupid and so stubborn? So incredibly hard headed? Even my mom told me I was being stupid.

Now my heart aches for him. It yearns for his touch, his warmth, his love. All of him. All to myself. I've found myself and I've found what I want, but is it too late? Have I hurt him too much? Pushed him too far away? I hope not. He's all I see. All I think about. I want him and only him for the rest of my life. Please tell me it's not too late. That he still wants me too.

At some point, you've got to just jump. You've got to quit being scared of the "maybes" and "what-ifs". Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you. Quit cheating him out of the same. Fall hard, fall long, fall forever. Why have I been cheating myself and him for so long? When happiness is all I've wanted and I'm happy with him. Ecstatic. Amazed. Loved and loving in return.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything. I was constructed for you and you were molded for me. Now i feel your name coursing through my veins. You shine so bright, it's insane. You put the sun to shame.
The thing about you is you're fun. You make me laugh and you make me feel more alive. Okay, you make me a little crazy sometimes, but these are the moments in my mind. Crystal clear images of you and I and how we fit together, and it all just makes such perfect sense. I know what I want, I want to spend all of my time with you.

"Just suppose that the shaping of destiny and molding of destiny is your destiny."
"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love." - My Sassy Girl

September 14, 2012

It's strange how you don't really miss someone until they're really gone. How you don't really notice or appreciate their presence until they leave. You think everything will always be the same, never changing... but everything really can change in the blink of an eye.

You never know how much you love someone until they walk away. Until they give up on you and leave because they can't handle how crazy you are anymore. They can't handle your indecision, or your emotional roller coaster anymore. They give up. Give up on you, give up on "we".

You don't want them to leave, to walk out of your life. You want them to come back and sometimes they do and it's incredible other times they become a bitter sweet memory.

September 13, 2012 - one of my favorites.

Today is beautiful. Today is new. Today holds so many possibilities and opportunities just waiting for us to grasp on to. The past is done. It's set, solid, rock, it cannot be undone and we can't see the future. We can't predict what's going to happen.

But NOW, now is tangible. It's here, in my grasp. Ready for me to take and do anything with it. I'm living. Now. Here. Enjoy it. Love each breath you take. Let the world know you are here. You are in control of the now. Grasp it. Hold on to it. Don't let it slip through your fingers because when it's gone, it's never coming back.

Don't waste it away upset about something that happened yesterday or fretting about tomorrow. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. What happened yesterday cannot be changed. So let it go. Be free of worries. Live free in your life. Thrive. Laugh. Enjoy. Remember, life's too short and it's not slowing down so you have to make the best of it while you can.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within someone than a secure future. The vary basic core of a person's living spirit is his/her passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences and hence, there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Their house will always be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school, and their husbands will fix more things about the house. So let it go, and love yourself and your circumstances. Think about it, the prettiest women in the world have turmoil in their house, and the highly favored woman at your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman, you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes - she might be lonely. The world says, "If I have no love, I am nothing." So again, love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and say, " I am blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed." Winners make things happen, losers let things happen.

Please know there are better things out there in life than being lonely, or liked, or bitter, or mean, or self-conscious. We're all full of shit. Go love someone just because. I know your heart may be badly bruised or the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal. Even if you don't want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.  

Nothing

We spent most of our time talking about nothing, but I just want to let you know that those nothings have meant so much more to me than so many other somethings. It's the nothings that I miss the most, which must make the nothing truly something.

It's like, there's so much to say, but not enough time to say it. My heart is beating just for you, and I don't think you understand that. I miss you the second you slip out of my sight. I want you to love me. Only me. I need you to grab my hand in the hall, kiss me on the forehead, and just love me for the moody, outgoing, crazy son of a bitch that I am. I'm not asking for much, just a guy that will care. A guy that will open doors, always take the bill, and surprise me with flowers for no reason at all. I want you to prove to me that all guys aren't the same. That they have hearts, and they cry over losing the one they love, even if they don't want anyone to know. I just want you, I've always wanted you.

Innocent Gestures

Holding hands may seem like and innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body. You build with them, feed with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another's hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another's to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e. kissing, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. As the Beatles once said, "All I want to do is hold your hand."

I suffer in silence. I don't cry in front of people. I can smile despite how shitty things are I will ALWAYS put your before me. I leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It's because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. What can I say? I'm just a fuck up with a good heart.

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of person who brings out the best in you and make you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you are any moment in time no matter the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt but, appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. Most of all wait for the person who will put you are the center of their universe, because that's where you belong.

Wandering

I hate when my mind wanders because it always wanders to him. I hate thinking about him because I know I can't have him and I get this horrible feeling in my gut because I know I just can't help it. I can't help but think about him. I wish I could. I wish I could think of anything but him, and I can't.I thought I was stronger than this, I thought I could handle being his friend and not showing that I'm completely infatuated with him, I thought I could be around him and not want him as mine.

I think the fact that I can't have him does play a role in all this but what scares me, is that I think after the chase is over I might still want him just as bad. For now, I'm going to tough it out, stick it out, be his best friend and hopefully he'll see that he belongs with me. Hopefully, he'll figure out that I'm here, I'm always around, I'll always be here for him and that she can't.

Why can't I get over this? Why am I so head over heals for this boy? Why can't I just move on like all the rest? Why am I so stuck on him? and, Why can no one answer these questions for me? Not even myself? Seriously, what can't it just be, "I like you" and "I like you too. let's be something. Something fantastic and wonderful and happy and glorious?" Something beautiful? Just me and him?

I can't just drift away from him, I can't get on with my life and not give you a second thought. When he kissed me that night, walking away stopped being an option.

Save your heart for someone who cares.

Always hold your head up high, even if on the inside you're about to cry. Pretend that nothing's wrong at all. Close your eyes before you fall. If you can't see it, it's not there. This is life and it's not fair.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different" - Coco Chanel

Sometimes, I'm happy for just one moment. In that one moment, I don't think about my problems, I think of all the options I have, I think about all the years ahead of me, I think about all the awesome people I will meet, I think about all the adventures, about all the love, and about all the places I have yet to discover. In that moment, I believe I will be happy one day, I know happiness is out there. I have hope.

Sometimes, when I'm talking  my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Maybe it's so we can think twice?

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school but, if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything at all.

September 12, 2012

I'm the kind of girl who enjoys the chase. I get a thrill when it comes to winning someone over and making them fall in love with me. Then, when rough times in a relationship emerge, I run off kicking and screaming. I analyzed my actions once I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid of getting too close to someone because I'm scared to get hurt. When a boy takes one step forward, I take these steps back. I've done this my whole life. It is my greatest downfall, the reason I have lost so many loves. It was never really fair how close you let me get to you, and how you so abruptly shoved me back out of your life.

You can't choose what stays and what fades away. When you lose someone, it stays with you. Alwaus reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.

Change

People change, but so do you. Sometimes, for the best, and sometimes for the worst. Bad things happen to everyone. You're not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don't care how you feel. Your heart beats, no matter how much pain you're in. Everything will be okay, eventually. There are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles. Don't tell me it's easy because it's not, but it's worth it, I'd rather stay in touch with the people I love, than just drop it and forget it. You forgive, but never forget, and you certainly don't forget about the ones you love. It doesn't work like that. Give it all you got, and live your life to the fullest. People would kill to be you, have what you have, someone always has worse that you, but that doesn't matter your pain doesn't count.

For some reason neither of us understands we've been forced to say goodbye. I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us and I promise I will do all I can do to make sure it does, but if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again. Maybe, the stars will have changed and we will not only love each other for that time, but for all the times we've had before.

You know, after that day I changed. I am no longer who I was three weeks ago. I am not the same person I who believed in fate I won't believe in "signs" anymore because they really do not mean anything. No matter how bad you wish or hope they do. As for right now, I don't believe in love. There is no happily ever after. At least not for me.

September 11, 2012

This day holds so many horrible memories for so many people. My heart goes out to them. To the families who lost people and to the fire and policemen that were lost. Eleven years have passed and for them not a day goes by that they do not think about that horrible day and each year we remind them on the same day.

I had a horrible incident that happened to me on this day in 2009. Alex and I broke up for the first time. It destroyed me. I was so broken for so long and I had to harden myself to him so much that I'm scared I can't let him back in. It still hurts to think about that time. That's how I know I'm not over it. I'm still hurt. I still don't know how to fix it, but for some reason, I think I'm doing something right.

Being alone for a while is good for me. I'm learning about myself. Things I didn't know about myself. It's fantastic. I haven't been this happy in a long time. It feels so different, so new. I feel like I shine, like I have a glow about me. Like I'm unstoppable. Empowered, Energetic, Fantastic.

Although, it's such a singular word there are so many variations of alone. There is the alone of an empty room. There is the alone of being caught in a throng of people. There is the alone of missing a particular person and there's the alone of being with a particular person and realizing you're still alone.

I am going to give you a piece of advice, advice I wish I'd been given in guidance class back in high school in between the don't-do-acid and don't-drink-and-drive films. I wish our counselors told us, "When you grow older, a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. It's called loneliness and you think you know what it is now, you don't. Here's a list of the symptoms and don't worry - loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. Just remember one fact, loneliness will pass. You will survive and you will be a better human for it.

Take chances, A LOT of them, because honestly, no matter where you end up and with who, it always ends up just the way is should be. Your mistakes make you who you are, You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always be you and be okay with it.

So I'm going out there, and I'm going to do the best I can. People are going to get in my way. Things are going to bring me down but, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to reach as far as I can, for everything I've ever wanted. I'm not giving up because that's what you do when your dreams are more important then your fears you go out there and ignore the odds. You focus on one thing that your dreams come true.

You've got to push to learn to push through the hard times, because you have to face them. Running from them now, will only make you too tired to fight through when they catch up to you later.

I need sunshine in my life

"Just because she comes off as strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe, she's really goo at lying."

You know that moment you feel when you wake up in the morning and realize you have more time to sleep? or When you accidentally overhear someone say something nice about you? or When you see someone you like, your heart races? Remember that feeling the next time you're hurt or upset. Think about that feeling, and how you can feel great again.

You say you're here, but you're so far away, there is so much to tell you but I don't know what to say. Maybe it's distance tearing us apart or maybe it's just something within out hearts.

What you don't know, it that when you turn around, I'm still smiling.

September 9, 2012

I miss him. Not so much in the sense that I miss him as a boyfriend, but I miss him always being around and always there no matter what.

Why, if it's something that I wanted, does it hurt so bad? I was fine at first but it has began to take its toll on me. Especially when people ask me about it and I think about my future and how for the longest time I saw him in it and now, I'm not so sure.

I hate all this uncertainty and I hate that I don't know if I want him back or not. I miss talking to him everyday and sleeping in his arms. Truthfully, I think it's that I'm scared of being a lone.

I need to learn to be alone. To not be afraid of the darkness, of myself. To read or understand myself better so I'm not afraid. I need to learn to be alone without being lonely. Am I not comfortable enough with myself to be alone? I'm restless in my thoughts... how do I calm them? How do I release them before they suffocate me? Am I okay? or is it just a face I put on for others? a facade? Am I fooling myself? Lying to myself?

I'm breathing, my heart is beating, and I'm not insane, doesn't that mean I'm "okay"? Are my emotions under control? Does that mean I'm okay? or am I just lost meandering mindlessly through my ever changing thoughts and emotions. So maybe... I'm not okay.

I need to fear less, and hope more. Whine less, and breathe more. I need to talk less, and say more. So maybe, good things will come to me...

But it's so hard to forget pain and even harder to remember sweetness because we have no scars to show for happiness, only pain and we learn so little from peace and so much from hurt.

September 8, 2012

"Put your arms around me. What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."

The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movements for achievements instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside.

I've learned a lot this year, I've learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through the bad times and keep looking for the better ones.