September 9, 2012

I miss him. Not so much in the sense that I miss him as a boyfriend, but I miss him always being around and always there no matter what.

Why, if it's something that I wanted, does it hurt so bad? I was fine at first but it has began to take its toll on me. Especially when people ask me about it and I think about my future and how for the longest time I saw him in it and now, I'm not so sure.

I hate all this uncertainty and I hate that I don't know if I want him back or not. I miss talking to him everyday and sleeping in his arms. Truthfully, I think it's that I'm scared of being a lone.

I need to learn to be alone. To not be afraid of the darkness, of myself. To read or understand myself better so I'm not afraid. I need to learn to be alone without being lonely. Am I not comfortable enough with myself to be alone? I'm restless in my thoughts... how do I calm them? How do I release them before they suffocate me? Am I okay? or is it just a face I put on for others? a facade? Am I fooling myself? Lying to myself?

I'm breathing, my heart is beating, and I'm not insane, doesn't that mean I'm "okay"? Are my emotions under control? Does that mean I'm okay? or am I just lost meandering mindlessly through my ever changing thoughts and emotions. So maybe... I'm not okay.

I need to fear less, and hope more. Whine less, and breathe more. I need to talk less, and say more. So maybe, good things will come to me...

But it's so hard to forget pain and even harder to remember sweetness because we have no scars to show for happiness, only pain and we learn so little from peace and so much from hurt.