Alone

I have come to realize that I suck at being alone. I found this out a long time ago actually and I've never done anything to make it better until this year. Being alone is hard. Listening to your own thoughts and feelings is even harder. I've gotten better. A lot better, last year I could be alone for longer than ten minutes before I started getting jittery and started itching to do something or go somewhere. I couldn't listen to my thoughts. I couldn't give them the chance to escape. To make themselves known. My thoughts were terrifying. Horrific.

Now, they've settled some. I've found a way to cope with being alone. I found that my words are strong and powerful and sometimes they can help people. So, I started writing. My own secret escape from my thoughts and the world that shaped and formed my thoughts. I learned to control them. To make them known in a safe way. In a way that wasn't threatening to myself or others. I learned that my words can describe anything I want them to as long as I arranged them accordingly.

I've always wondered if I didn't like being alone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. I think that was part of the problem. I think I was afraid that my thoughts would harm me, or others. I was afraid that they were too powerful to contain, control, conquer. I'm happy now. MUCH happier than I was then. Learning to control myself. To control what I'm thinking and the actions that come forth following those words.

I was uncontrollable. I was irrational. I didn't think about anything but, I thought about everything at the same time. I was in a dark and miserable place. Not being able to escape myself.. So I would use other people to try to heal myself. I was seeking refuge in my "friends" trying to find anything to do with my time besides listen to the voice in my head. No I'm not schizophrenic, I just had all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, that constantly tried to escape that I couldn't control. I couldn't let them out. I couldn't.

But I found that keeping those in was what was really hurting me. I found that if I let them out in a beautiful and personal way that I could achieve satisfaction at such a high standard that I'd never felt before. I found that writing these words, such as the words I'm writing now would help me escape from that reality if only for a short moment. My thoughts were no longer threatening to choke me, or take the life out of me. I no longer need constant companionship. I no longer feel the need to sleep the day away if I cannot find anyone to accompany me in something during all parts of the day. I can breathe easy, with an open heart. My skies are no longer clouded and I feel joy and warmth again. I'm alive and I can see clearly and I feel amazing because of this amazing realization that my feelings can be controlled, they can escape if I do it the right way. Sometimes, we just have to let go of all those thoughts in our head, get them out, even if it is just going on paper.