September 3, 2012

September 3, 2012
The statement "misery loves company" is true beyond belief. This miserable existence that I am moping through and have been for some time now and only become to be better when I'm with people. As I'm with those people though, I bring them down and I don't know how to make myself better, or them for that matter. I don't know how to bring about happiness in my life anymore.

I thought I could be happy with Alex; I couldn't. I thought I could be happy with Jake; I couldn't. I've recently become infatuated with Dallas and I'm killing myself because he's in a relationship. Some Angel Bitch...

I'm stuck in a miserable state of mind and I can't seem to get out. I'm seeking some form of therapy, running maybe? That hasn't happened yet and honestly, it probably won't. I'm entirely too lazy to muster up the strength to put on running clothes, lace up my tennis shoes, and place one foot in front of the other that is entirely too fast for my liking. Sure, I might clear my head, but that's because the only thing I can even begin to concentrate on is breathing and not falling over from muscle cramps, heat, or exhaustion.

So what about retail therapy? Tried that. I spent entirely way too much money on material objects that I truly DID NOT need. I made myself feel worse because of all the money I spent that I shouldn't have. I constantly feel I should return the shit I bought, but I know I won't, and my internal struggle carries on.

So why did I put myself in this position in the first place? Do I like pain? Do i like suffering? Getting hurt? I'm not sure.. But I  seem to be head over heals for a guy who is neither emotionally nor physically available. Yet, I still continue to chase him, to torment myself, to believe that one day we could be.

Then there's that word "could" it holds infinite possibility. Possibility for happiness, for sadness, for regret, for love, and the list continues. But, what if nothing happens? What if everything happens? That phrase "what-if" is just as bad, if not worse than "could".

If nothing happens, I would possibly be destroyed or maybe not because I have been preparing myself for the worst, or if everything happens, complete and utter joy? Or disbelief?

How do I pull myself from this fantasy land? Pull myself from this misery? Pull myself away from him? Is this more of a cry for help? Will anyone help me or do I have to learn and face this on my own?

So many questions.. and who's here to answer them? No one, no one but myself. My friends and family can only give me so much advice. But honestly, what you do with that advice is up to you. So in retrospect, it's up to me to get myself out of this funk. But can I? Can I do this alone?

My friends are tired of listening to my word vomit about him. Tired of watching me melt when he picks up the guitar and begins to play and sing. But his voice is like velvet and his eyes are beautiful and his hands are tough with calluses and his skin is soft to the touch. And there it is again, the word vomit I've been trying so hard to keep in. That mushy, gooey, shit that comes out whenever I open my mouth, or put pen to paper, or type out through my keyboard.

MAKE IT STOP! Keep me from continuously falling deeper and deeper into this pit of agony.