No!

I hate it when people don't take NO for a freakin' answer. Like seriously, I said no.

Stop. Stop trying to make moves on me. Stop trying to constantly "woo" me. STOP IT! I have a boyfriend. He's the love of my life. We have been through so much that you have NO IDEA ABOUT. We are "perfect" together. As close to perfect that any two people can be.

So stop! I'm not going to fall for you or be persuaded by you to think that we could have something better than I already have. I LOVE HIM. Not you, I will never love you. Simple as that.

Stop trying to get me to tell you how I feel, honestly.. I have no feelings for you. Other than that of, "you're a cool dude and I wish we could be friends." Nothing more than that. I want to be your FRIEND.

I know this sounds cruel, and harsh but, I mean, this is how I FEEL. If you want to know so bad than here ya go. Nothing less and nothing more.

I'm in love with Alex, not you. Plain and simple as day and night. You are nothing like him, you know nothing about me, and Alex and I know everything about each other. There's no competing with him. No competition once so ever. So stop and TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

Talking

I have a problem with people talking about me behind my back. Especially about situations that I've gone to them personally about. Seriously? If you have a problem with me, just tell me! If I have gone to you asking about certain things PERSONALLY, I expect you to be honest with me and just tell me straight up. I don't know how you feel about the topic. I don't know what you're thinking. Sure, I'm a psychology major but no amount of studying will enable me to KNOW what YOU'RE thinking!

Don't go talk about me to OUR friend and then expect her to tell me what YOU want to tell me. JUST STRAIGHT OUT, point blank tell me what you feel. It's much more honorable to tell me to my face or in person than to hear it through the grape vine. It's not going to hurt my feelings. It takes A LOT to hurt my feelings. If it's how you feel I'll understand. I'll back off, I'll leave you alone. Don't keep things secret from me for fear of my ear. I will understand you, and everything you say.

I want to know these things. I don't want to overstep boundaries and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I want to be able to share things with you and you share things with me in the same manner. I want you to tell me your secrets so I can tell you mine and know that I can trust you to keep them. How am I supposed to be able to trust you, if you can't trust me? If you can't trust me to not blow up over something that's as petty as this?

If I've overstayed my welcome, TELL ME! If you're annoyed by me, TELL ME! I know I talk to much, so if you want me to shut up for a while, TELL ME! If you don't want me around as much, FUCKING TELL ME! Damn. It's not that hard to let your feelings be known without going to someone else to talk about me. Just come to my face. I'm not going to get angry with you. I'm going to understand you, and I'll do what you ask. What gets me angry, is that fact that you couldn't tell me yourself. You couldn't be honest with me. Shit, if I have a problem, I promise I'll be honest with you.

Fall

There's  little pep in my step. They air is crisp. Scarves and boots have come out of the back of the closet. Why? AUTUMN IS HERE!

This is my favorite time of the year. The weather is amazing. It's perfect outside, it's not too hot and it's not too cold. Sweaters, boots, long socks, scarves, hats, and gloves all come out of the bins that have been put in storage to hibernate throughout the summer. The leaves change and come to life as they flutter between branch and ground. Rosy cheeks become known in the crisp air and everyone moves a little faster to get out of the brisk wind.

It's gorgeous, this world we live in. So many people take it for granted. Stop for a moment. Just a moment and look around. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? This world is a beautiful place. We are destroying it little by little bit. Eventually, if we don't do something about it now, it will look like Wall-E. I don't want that to happen to this wonderful planet of ours. It's too pretty. So green, and lush, and bustling with so much life and so much potential. The colors are vibrant, the animals are cute, the sounds are melodious and beautiful. Why are we so intent on destroying what is already so beautiful with out buildings, lights, cars, planes, boats..? When was the last time you could truly look at the stars & SEE them? It's almost in possible now because of all the city lights.

Why is the darkness so horrible for some? The darkness isn't scary. Darkness is calm. Peaceful. Nothing for you to see to worry. Nothing distracting you from your thoughts. So why is is so scary? Dark is not scary. The things that COULD be in the dark are scary but, there isn't always something there. Sometimes, we let our minds get the best of us. Close your eyes, open your ears, smell with your nose, and feel with your hands. It's not that bad once you get used to the dark. To being alone and listening to your own thoughts ramble. Do it sometime, see what it feels like. Stop destroying this world. Don't be afraid of the dark & maybe you'll be able to see the stars. "It's often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars." 

 

My "Family"

My "family" consists of about 975398769876 college students. Okay, that's over exaggerating a little bit but, there is: Tony, Dallas, Jonathan (JK), Kristine, Hope, Hazel, Joy, Taylor, & Charlie So 9 people to say the least. 

We are the most obnoxious, crazy, loud, hysterical, sympathetic, always there for each other, drunken, stupid, loving group of people you will ever meet. We party, and when we party, we party hard. I'll bet you anything you won't beat me and Tony at beer pong and I'll bet you anything Taylor and I can drink you under the table. We enjoy life. Every single one of us and each one of us brings something different to the table. Tony = the asshole douche bag who's really a nice guy on the inside who we all go to for relationship advice even though we all know that sometimes we shouldn't. Dallas = The artsy, random, ADD, awesomely friendly and sweet guy who plays the guitar and makes everyone smile all the time. JK = the teddy bear nerd who's the best snuggler you'll ever find and will find a way to pretty much beat you at any online computer or video game. Kristine = she's awesome and can fit in just about anywhere, we all love her and she goes with the flow she can be calm and quiet or crazy and loud just depends on the environment. Hope = she's the hippie, peace, love, and earth girl. We love her to death because I honestly think she's the most rational of the group she's almost always the mediator in the group. Hazel = just hazel, she knows everyone, she's philosophical and a "mini-person" according to Tony she's such a sweet heart and everyone loves her TONS. Joy = Hope's sister, she's an awesome listener and she's really down to earth. Taylor = the hysterical, funny, crazy, loud, out of this world one. She brings the funny no matter the situation & her boyfriend Charlie is just kinda on for the ride. If he can stick it out with her she better husband that dude. As for me, I'm the loud, always talking, exciting one. If it's quiet they always ask where I am. I bring adventure into the group. We all mesh really well and we all love each other to bits.

We have this motto: "shit out family says." Here are some awesome examples: There's always room for one more (shot that is), In this family we get stupid, my change has tasted, you think you're drinking fast - you're not drinking fast enough, BITCH! and many many more. 

So yeah, we're a little insane. But I promise you, we're probably the most amazing group of people you'll ever meet. I love them all so so so much. Without them, I probably don't know where I'd be because I know I can always count on at least ONE of them to be there for me if not ALL of them if I ever needed them. We're a family. We don't give up on each other and we shotgun in the shower. We stick together through thick and thin and we pile 6 to a bed. Some of us chain smoke and some of us are virgins and it's quite alright, we wouldn't trade any of us for anything else and that's a fact.

So here's my advice: LIVE LIFE damnit! Live like me and my family. Don't give a shit what others think of you. We sure as hell don't give a damn about any of you, we just want to party and we just want to make sure you're having the time of your lives with us. Don't settle for anything but awesome, be stupid, be drunk, be classy, love like no other, and drink like your liver really wants it. You have only one life to do whatever you want with. In one hundred years no one will remember the stupid mistakes you made, so make a fool of yourself while you still have the chance because if you spend all your life trying to be the coolest kid around you will never be happy with yourself. Not to mention, the cool kids are us & we're making a fool of ourselves. It's okay, join in the fun.

Alone

I have come to realize that I suck at being alone. I found this out a long time ago actually and I've never done anything to make it better until this year. Being alone is hard. Listening to your own thoughts and feelings is even harder. I've gotten better. A lot better, last year I could be alone for longer than ten minutes before I started getting jittery and started itching to do something or go somewhere. I couldn't listen to my thoughts. I couldn't give them the chance to escape. To make themselves known. My thoughts were terrifying. Horrific.

Now, they've settled some. I've found a way to cope with being alone. I found that my words are strong and powerful and sometimes they can help people. So, I started writing. My own secret escape from my thoughts and the world that shaped and formed my thoughts. I learned to control them. To make them known in a safe way. In a way that wasn't threatening to myself or others. I learned that my words can describe anything I want them to as long as I arranged them accordingly.

I've always wondered if I didn't like being alone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. I think that was part of the problem. I think I was afraid that my thoughts would harm me, or others. I was afraid that they were too powerful to contain, control, conquer. I'm happy now. MUCH happier than I was then. Learning to control myself. To control what I'm thinking and the actions that come forth following those words.

I was uncontrollable. I was irrational. I didn't think about anything but, I thought about everything at the same time. I was in a dark and miserable place. Not being able to escape myself.. So I would use other people to try to heal myself. I was seeking refuge in my "friends" trying to find anything to do with my time besides listen to the voice in my head. No I'm not schizophrenic, I just had all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, that constantly tried to escape that I couldn't control. I couldn't let them out. I couldn't.

But I found that keeping those in was what was really hurting me. I found that if I let them out in a beautiful and personal way that I could achieve satisfaction at such a high standard that I'd never felt before. I found that writing these words, such as the words I'm writing now would help me escape from that reality if only for a short moment. My thoughts were no longer threatening to choke me, or take the life out of me. I no longer need constant companionship. I no longer feel the need to sleep the day away if I cannot find anyone to accompany me in something during all parts of the day. I can breathe easy, with an open heart. My skies are no longer clouded and I feel joy and warmth again. I'm alive and I can see clearly and I feel amazing because of this amazing realization that my feelings can be controlled, they can escape if I do it the right way. Sometimes, we just have to let go of all those thoughts in our head, get them out, even if it is just going on paper.

Alex

I love him, with all my heart. He's never away from my mind and I honestly just want to be wrapped up in his arms all the time.

He's my wonder wall, my safety, when I'm upset I run to him, when I'm happy I run to hi. Why have I been so stupid and so blind for so long? He's everything to me. If I lost him, I'd be lost. I'd lose myself. Destroyed. He means the world to be. He lights up my heart and makes me feel alive, whenever he touches me he leaves a trail of goosebumps. He warms the dark parts of my soul and leaves me feelings splendid.

I have no worries or frights when I'm with him. I am bright and happy when I'm with him, no longer in a depression. He lifts the haze that I'm always in and I truly smile around him, not just that usual fake smile I put on but a genuine warm glowing smile.

We fit together. We fit well. Like puzzle pieces, his hand fits mine and when I snuggle up against him, I fit right under his arm. That is perfection to me. We are perfect together. We balance each other and sometimes we push each other to our breaking points. Relationships aren't easy, we fight and disagree, yes but, at the end of the day, we ALWAYS realize that we really BELONG together. I was made for him, and he molded for me.

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quite understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It's loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weakness." -Ann Landers

September 24, 2012

I think I what I hate most is when people tell me I'm perfect. I am in NO WAY perfect.

Let's think of all the things that are merely physical that aren't perfect about me:

I am WAY too skinny, honestly. I'm not unhealthy, but I'm so skinny I look unhealthy. One of my boobs is significantly bigger than the other. To the point my bra fits one boob funny. My right one to be exact. My ears are crooked. One of my eyes is closed more than the other at all times. I have the weirdest hair line with a TON of cowlicks. I bit my nails, so those are never perfect. My teeth.. they're fucked up. One foot is bigger than the other, so one shoe is always too big. No matter what. My face always has at least one blemish that just looks horrible. I have a lot of muscle, but they're not defined so I just look tiny. I have weird freckles.. all over my body in random places. My eyebrows get really bushy if I don't monitor and control them. MY hair is crazy. It has a mind of its own. I talk too much.

And emotionally, I'm fucked. Just to say a few:
I am spastic in my thought processes. I'm an emotional roller coaster that always leads to an emotional train wreck. I have mild OCD. I think highly of myself, almost to being conceded at times. I'm irrational when I need to be rational and vice versa. I can't make a decision to save my life. I'm fucking hard headed as shit. I lie sometimes. I can be greedy. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm a horrible person.

I'm not saying these things to bring myself down or get sympathy from others. I'm happy with myself truly. I'm saying these things to prove I'm not perfect so don't let me I'm "perfection personified" don't even tell me I'm "perfectly flawed." DO NOT USE PERFECT in any description of me.

I know I'm not perfect, therefore I don't want to be described as such. Not even looked at as such. In general, I am happy with myself, yes. Although, I know I need to make many improvements within myself. I'm working on it. It doesn't just happen overnight.

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of splendid failure to do the impossible." - William Faulkner
 

People

 So, you’ll come across so many people in your life. Ones you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. You come across people you will love, very much. But sometimes love isn’t enough to tackle all the obstacles in life and you will have to deal with the heartbreak of knowing that that person you love is gone and you’re left, alone, to try your very hardest to fall out of love. To do something you never thought you’d have to do. Just keep your head held high. Don’t let it get to you, don’t fall apart. Clear your heart and let it go. And when it comes around again, let love in. Because you never know. It’s all about having faith.

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive.

 Here we are, standing at some point of our lives where both of us are clueless. Somehow passing this point makes it too hard to go back, back to days where nothing mattered, where we lived carefree. Maybe somehow we need to go back, maybe we just aren’t ready. I’m not sure, and I’m scared. I’m scared to ruin what we’ve already started, and scared to go on to something I can’t handle.

September 22, 2012

We're all miracles. You know why? Because as humans, everyday we go about our business, and all that time, we know the things we love are the people we love can, at any time, be taken away. We live knowing this and we keep going anyway.

Tonight, Alex and I almost got killed by a deer. It came out of nowhere and hit the side of his mustang, if it was anymore to the right, the deer could have killed me.

It just reminded me that life is short. I can't waste it with people that I don't love and people who don't love me. I can't waste it doing things I don't want to do. I need to live to the fullest and enjoy life. So, here's my advice: Take many deep breaths. Smell the fresh air and drink chamomile tea. Life is VERY short. We spend more time in our lifetimes dead than alive.

Challenge

I like to challenge myself in many ways. I go from being raw and deviant to light and observant, vulgar and blunt to eloquent and gentle. It doesn't always work, but I fucking commit to it like no one you know.

I know what it’s like to be so mad, you go into this blind rage and don’t even remember what you said or did. I know what it’s like to be so heartbroken, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I know what it’s like to have so many bad things happen to you,you start to lose faith in everything. However, I also know times of pure joy and happiness. And if I can just keep my mind set on those, I know I’ll make it through all of the hard times. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find the faith I thought I had lost forever.

 Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.

 We learn to deal with things our own way. A lot of the time people want to help, but when they try to, it just makes the whole thing more upsetting cause then you realize you can't be helped. Maybe you're trapped in this mess, and all you need to do is just take a step away from the situation, and look at it from the outside in, and realize, 'Hey, this is my life - take it or leave it.'

September 20, 2012

Blue Bird - Charles Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
Stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
But I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with out
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
 weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai - A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to be a wake up to us all. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Lying to myself?

I've been lying to myself. Telling myself he's not the right one for me. Telling myself I can live without him when I can't. He's everything to me and I miss him more than anything. Honestly, he's my world. He's my best friend. My everything.

I miss falling asleep on the phone with him every night and I miss texting and talking to him all day. I miss him in all aspects. Being in his arms at night. Feeling him pull me closer to him in his sleep. I miss his sweet kisses and his warm hugs. I miss him ALWAYS being there.

His presence makes me smile and his smile makes me smile. Why have I been so stupid and so stubborn? So incredibly hard headed? Even my mom told me I was being stupid.

Now my heart aches for him. It yearns for his touch, his warmth, his love. All of him. All to myself. I've found myself and I've found what I want, but is it too late? Have I hurt him too much? Pushed him too far away? I hope not. He's all I see. All I think about. I want him and only him for the rest of my life. Please tell me it's not too late. That he still wants me too.

At some point, you've got to just jump. You've got to quit being scared of the "maybes" and "what-ifs". Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you. Quit cheating him out of the same. Fall hard, fall long, fall forever. Why have I been cheating myself and him for so long? When happiness is all I've wanted and I'm happy with him. Ecstatic. Amazed. Loved and loving in return.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything. I was constructed for you and you were molded for me. Now i feel your name coursing through my veins. You shine so bright, it's insane. You put the sun to shame.
The thing about you is you're fun. You make me laugh and you make me feel more alive. Okay, you make me a little crazy sometimes, but these are the moments in my mind. Crystal clear images of you and I and how we fit together, and it all just makes such perfect sense. I know what I want, I want to spend all of my time with you.

"Just suppose that the shaping of destiny and molding of destiny is your destiny."
"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love." - My Sassy Girl

September 14, 2012

It's strange how you don't really miss someone until they're really gone. How you don't really notice or appreciate their presence until they leave. You think everything will always be the same, never changing... but everything really can change in the blink of an eye.

You never know how much you love someone until they walk away. Until they give up on you and leave because they can't handle how crazy you are anymore. They can't handle your indecision, or your emotional roller coaster anymore. They give up. Give up on you, give up on "we".

You don't want them to leave, to walk out of your life. You want them to come back and sometimes they do and it's incredible other times they become a bitter sweet memory.

September 13, 2012 - one of my favorites.

Today is beautiful. Today is new. Today holds so many possibilities and opportunities just waiting for us to grasp on to. The past is done. It's set, solid, rock, it cannot be undone and we can't see the future. We can't predict what's going to happen.

But NOW, now is tangible. It's here, in my grasp. Ready for me to take and do anything with it. I'm living. Now. Here. Enjoy it. Love each breath you take. Let the world know you are here. You are in control of the now. Grasp it. Hold on to it. Don't let it slip through your fingers because when it's gone, it's never coming back.

Don't waste it away upset about something that happened yesterday or fretting about tomorrow. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. What happened yesterday cannot be changed. So let it go. Be free of worries. Live free in your life. Thrive. Laugh. Enjoy. Remember, life's too short and it's not slowing down so you have to make the best of it while you can.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within someone than a secure future. The vary basic core of a person's living spirit is his/her passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences and hence, there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Their house will always be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school, and their husbands will fix more things about the house. So let it go, and love yourself and your circumstances. Think about it, the prettiest women in the world have turmoil in their house, and the highly favored woman at your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman, you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes - she might be lonely. The world says, "If I have no love, I am nothing." So again, love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and say, " I am blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed." Winners make things happen, losers let things happen.

Please know there are better things out there in life than being lonely, or liked, or bitter, or mean, or self-conscious. We're all full of shit. Go love someone just because. I know your heart may be badly bruised or the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal. Even if you don't want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.  

Nothing

We spent most of our time talking about nothing, but I just want to let you know that those nothings have meant so much more to me than so many other somethings. It's the nothings that I miss the most, which must make the nothing truly something.

It's like, there's so much to say, but not enough time to say it. My heart is beating just for you, and I don't think you understand that. I miss you the second you slip out of my sight. I want you to love me. Only me. I need you to grab my hand in the hall, kiss me on the forehead, and just love me for the moody, outgoing, crazy son of a bitch that I am. I'm not asking for much, just a guy that will care. A guy that will open doors, always take the bill, and surprise me with flowers for no reason at all. I want you to prove to me that all guys aren't the same. That they have hearts, and they cry over losing the one they love, even if they don't want anyone to know. I just want you, I've always wanted you.

Innocent Gestures

Holding hands may seem like and innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body. You build with them, feed with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another's hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another's to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e. kissing, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. As the Beatles once said, "All I want to do is hold your hand."

I suffer in silence. I don't cry in front of people. I can smile despite how shitty things are I will ALWAYS put your before me. I leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It's because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. What can I say? I'm just a fuck up with a good heart.

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of person who brings out the best in you and make you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you are any moment in time no matter the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt but, appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. Most of all wait for the person who will put you are the center of their universe, because that's where you belong.

Wandering

I hate when my mind wanders because it always wanders to him. I hate thinking about him because I know I can't have him and I get this horrible feeling in my gut because I know I just can't help it. I can't help but think about him. I wish I could. I wish I could think of anything but him, and I can't.I thought I was stronger than this, I thought I could handle being his friend and not showing that I'm completely infatuated with him, I thought I could be around him and not want him as mine.

I think the fact that I can't have him does play a role in all this but what scares me, is that I think after the chase is over I might still want him just as bad. For now, I'm going to tough it out, stick it out, be his best friend and hopefully he'll see that he belongs with me. Hopefully, he'll figure out that I'm here, I'm always around, I'll always be here for him and that she can't.

Why can't I get over this? Why am I so head over heals for this boy? Why can't I just move on like all the rest? Why am I so stuck on him? and, Why can no one answer these questions for me? Not even myself? Seriously, what can't it just be, "I like you" and "I like you too. let's be something. Something fantastic and wonderful and happy and glorious?" Something beautiful? Just me and him?

I can't just drift away from him, I can't get on with my life and not give you a second thought. When he kissed me that night, walking away stopped being an option.

Save your heart for someone who cares.

Always hold your head up high, even if on the inside you're about to cry. Pretend that nothing's wrong at all. Close your eyes before you fall. If you can't see it, it's not there. This is life and it's not fair.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different" - Coco Chanel

Sometimes, I'm happy for just one moment. In that one moment, I don't think about my problems, I think of all the options I have, I think about all the years ahead of me, I think about all the awesome people I will meet, I think about all the adventures, about all the love, and about all the places I have yet to discover. In that moment, I believe I will be happy one day, I know happiness is out there. I have hope.

Sometimes, when I'm talking  my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Maybe it's so we can think twice?

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school but, if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything at all.

September 12, 2012

I'm the kind of girl who enjoys the chase. I get a thrill when it comes to winning someone over and making them fall in love with me. Then, when rough times in a relationship emerge, I run off kicking and screaming. I analyzed my actions once I came to the conclusion that I'm afraid of getting too close to someone because I'm scared to get hurt. When a boy takes one step forward, I take these steps back. I've done this my whole life. It is my greatest downfall, the reason I have lost so many loves. It was never really fair how close you let me get to you, and how you so abruptly shoved me back out of your life.

You can't choose what stays and what fades away. When you lose someone, it stays with you. Alwaus reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.

Change

People change, but so do you. Sometimes, for the best, and sometimes for the worst. Bad things happen to everyone. You're not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don't care how you feel. Your heart beats, no matter how much pain you're in. Everything will be okay, eventually. There are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles. Don't tell me it's easy because it's not, but it's worth it, I'd rather stay in touch with the people I love, than just drop it and forget it. You forgive, but never forget, and you certainly don't forget about the ones you love. It doesn't work like that. Give it all you got, and live your life to the fullest. People would kill to be you, have what you have, someone always has worse that you, but that doesn't matter your pain doesn't count.

For some reason neither of us understands we've been forced to say goodbye. I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us and I promise I will do all I can do to make sure it does, but if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again. Maybe, the stars will have changed and we will not only love each other for that time, but for all the times we've had before.

You know, after that day I changed. I am no longer who I was three weeks ago. I am not the same person I who believed in fate I won't believe in "signs" anymore because they really do not mean anything. No matter how bad you wish or hope they do. As for right now, I don't believe in love. There is no happily ever after. At least not for me.

September 11, 2012

This day holds so many horrible memories for so many people. My heart goes out to them. To the families who lost people and to the fire and policemen that were lost. Eleven years have passed and for them not a day goes by that they do not think about that horrible day and each year we remind them on the same day.

I had a horrible incident that happened to me on this day in 2009. Alex and I broke up for the first time. It destroyed me. I was so broken for so long and I had to harden myself to him so much that I'm scared I can't let him back in. It still hurts to think about that time. That's how I know I'm not over it. I'm still hurt. I still don't know how to fix it, but for some reason, I think I'm doing something right.

Being alone for a while is good for me. I'm learning about myself. Things I didn't know about myself. It's fantastic. I haven't been this happy in a long time. It feels so different, so new. I feel like I shine, like I have a glow about me. Like I'm unstoppable. Empowered, Energetic, Fantastic.

Although, it's such a singular word there are so many variations of alone. There is the alone of an empty room. There is the alone of being caught in a throng of people. There is the alone of missing a particular person and there's the alone of being with a particular person and realizing you're still alone.

I am going to give you a piece of advice, advice I wish I'd been given in guidance class back in high school in between the don't-do-acid and don't-drink-and-drive films. I wish our counselors told us, "When you grow older, a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. It's called loneliness and you think you know what it is now, you don't. Here's a list of the symptoms and don't worry - loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. Just remember one fact, loneliness will pass. You will survive and you will be a better human for it.

Take chances, A LOT of them, because honestly, no matter where you end up and with who, it always ends up just the way is should be. Your mistakes make you who you are, You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always be you and be okay with it.

So I'm going out there, and I'm going to do the best I can. People are going to get in my way. Things are going to bring me down but, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to reach as far as I can, for everything I've ever wanted. I'm not giving up because that's what you do when your dreams are more important then your fears you go out there and ignore the odds. You focus on one thing that your dreams come true.

You've got to push to learn to push through the hard times, because you have to face them. Running from them now, will only make you too tired to fight through when they catch up to you later.

I need sunshine in my life

"Just because she comes off as strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe, she's really goo at lying."

You know that moment you feel when you wake up in the morning and realize you have more time to sleep? or When you accidentally overhear someone say something nice about you? or When you see someone you like, your heart races? Remember that feeling the next time you're hurt or upset. Think about that feeling, and how you can feel great again.

You say you're here, but you're so far away, there is so much to tell you but I don't know what to say. Maybe it's distance tearing us apart or maybe it's just something within out hearts.

What you don't know, it that when you turn around, I'm still smiling.

September 9, 2012

I miss him. Not so much in the sense that I miss him as a boyfriend, but I miss him always being around and always there no matter what.

Why, if it's something that I wanted, does it hurt so bad? I was fine at first but it has began to take its toll on me. Especially when people ask me about it and I think about my future and how for the longest time I saw him in it and now, I'm not so sure.

I hate all this uncertainty and I hate that I don't know if I want him back or not. I miss talking to him everyday and sleeping in his arms. Truthfully, I think it's that I'm scared of being a lone.

I need to learn to be alone. To not be afraid of the darkness, of myself. To read or understand myself better so I'm not afraid. I need to learn to be alone without being lonely. Am I not comfortable enough with myself to be alone? I'm restless in my thoughts... how do I calm them? How do I release them before they suffocate me? Am I okay? or is it just a face I put on for others? a facade? Am I fooling myself? Lying to myself?

I'm breathing, my heart is beating, and I'm not insane, doesn't that mean I'm "okay"? Are my emotions under control? Does that mean I'm okay? or am I just lost meandering mindlessly through my ever changing thoughts and emotions. So maybe... I'm not okay.

I need to fear less, and hope more. Whine less, and breathe more. I need to talk less, and say more. So maybe, good things will come to me...

But it's so hard to forget pain and even harder to remember sweetness because we have no scars to show for happiness, only pain and we learn so little from peace and so much from hurt.

September 8, 2012

"Put your arms around me. What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."

The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movements for achievements instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside.

I've learned a lot this year, I've learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through the bad times and keep looking for the better ones.

There's hope for the hopeless

Perfection is defined when your heart beats next to mine, and time stands still for us. My hand in your hair, and yours on my chest. Moments with you are my life's best.

Often times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though, that doesn't mean that we've stopped love them or we've stopped caring sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say "I love you."

"This is how it feels when you wait for a call that never comes. Are you waking up cause you miss someone? This is how it feels, when the trust you had is broken and you're left with your heart wide open.

"Close enough to start a war, all that I have is on the floor" -Adele
"I won't let you close enough to hurt me. No, I won't ask you to just desert me." -Adele

West Georgia

My campus is rather quiet today. Normally there is a lot more hustle and bustle. I haven't gotten to participate much in my favorite pastime of people watching. It's gloomy and not many people are out walking like usual. It's hot and muggy. Usual Georgia weather.

One thing I did notice... EVERYONE is on their cell phone. Is it possible this day and age to not be socially connected at all times? Even I feel lost when I forget to bring my phone with me somewhere. We are so dependent on instant gratification now days that I feel if for some reason we lose power, the WORLD will be lost.

What would humanity resort to? Chaos and violence? Being continuously connected to other at all times is a luxury that we don't quite think enough about. We don't appreciate that everyone is just a phone call away. We have air conditioning and running water that we didn't have even 100 years ago.

Studies show that people of those times were more educated and valued living more than we do now. Can we come to appreciate the world again in this age of technology or will we forever be mindless texting zombies?

Honestly, groups of people cannot even go out to eat anymore without someone pulling out their cell phone. It's incredible how we are so dependent on each other's company but when were in it, we seek more form people of whom are not with us. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of hanging out with friends in the first place?

Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & Instagram are all designed to keep us "close" but aren't they essentially pushing us away from face to face contact? It's easier to hold a conversation through text anyways right?

September 6, 2012

Sex, is it purely physical? Is it for nothing but pleasure and reproduction?

Sex defined: the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of living things that are involved in reproduction by two interacting parents and that distinguishes males and females.

So, if we go by the Websters dictionary, it's purely for reproduction. So why, as humans, do we tie so many emotions to it? We are not supposed to be monogamous creatures. According to psychologists we as animals want to get as much of our genetic material into the world as possible.

So why, in multiple and various cultures and traditions so we tie sex to love, commitment, marriage, religion, etc..? I myself normally tie it to love, that is, until I got to college. Now, it's just a favorite pastime.

But along with that comes judgement. Especially on women. Why is it a guy can have sex with many women and be called a champ, but a woman is culled a slut or a whore? It's not fair at all, but it occurs across many cultures. It's incredible. If this act was meant and is meant for mere reproduction, why are these thoughts and emotions tied to it? 

Past

The only thing that life denies you are the things you are willing to let pass by.  Fight for the things you love, and love the things that are worth fighting for.

Everything is so wrong & I don't belong in your precious memory.

Let go of the past, and the past will let go of you.

Just because you miss someone, doesn't mean you need them back in your life. Missing is just part of moving on.

Something tells me that whatever happens with us, whether we stay together or go our separate ways, neither one of us will ever forget the times we spent together.

I'd like to think I never did those things, or never said that to you. But, the truth is, I did and that's a part of me. I make mistakes, and I know who I am because of them. I lost you because of it, but to lose you meant to gain myself.

I used to think of you as someone that would never, ever hurt me..

Happiness

I can't remember the last time I felt like this. At first, it felt wrong. I didn't recognize the feeling and then I understood it. I was smiling, glowing, happy. This emotion has escaped me for so long it felt foreign. Like it didn't belong. The incredibly huge, goofy grin that was plastered across my face felt new and refreshing. It felt warm and pretty. I felt so pretty, beautiful, gorgeous. Right.

I wonder why this has escaped me for so long? Why I couldn't be happy. This happened in the strangest way. Just driving down the road with the windows down and the wind blowing through my hair. It was such a fantastic feeling. New, grand, amazing. Happy. Fantastic, Ecstatic. I truly don't know how to respond to this. Its it right? Is it okay to be happy when so many others are not?

Reasons

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these tests, life would be a smoothly paved, straight, flat road leading to nowhere; safe and comfortable, but dull and pointless.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies it's compromise that moves us along." - Maroon 5

"My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story" - Johnny Depp

As you're reading this, your life is getting shorter. It's ticking away. I'm not saying this to frighten you or even scare you. Though it may. I'm saying this to awaken and inspire you. To raise you out of your deep slumber. To really know you won't live forever.

"A strong person is the one who knows how to be quiet, shed a tear for a moment and then pick up their sword and fights again."

"Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision." - Pirates of the Caribbean

I think, under the surface, everyone is good. Beneath a cool, controlled exterior could be chaos and confusion. This person suffering to get control and let someone know of their agony... but they don't release it. They bottle it inside them. Why? Fear. Fear that a person they tell their deepest darkest secrets will turn on them. Why? Because, we live in a world of cruel people. But why are people so hateful now days? Why are we bound to attack each other and hate each other? Didn't anyone teach them to love thy neighbor?

The higher you build your walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone breaks them down. The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse that it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know its healed." - Lyania Vanzant

Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. - Proverbs 4:23

Even if we hadn't met that day, my life might not have been any different. We met that day because we were supposed to meet. If we hadn't met then and there, we could have just met somewhere else sometime.

I forget to breathe when you're around, my heart skips a beat and falls right out. I just can't breathe or make a sound, cause you're too beautiful right now, inside and out.

STOP looking at me! I'm sick of giving you the satisfaction of seeing what a beautiful mess you've created.

September 5, 2012

This life we live in is so fast pace. Too much hustle and bustle, go faster, and speed up. Not enough calm, serenity, stop and smell the roses, and meditation.

Psychology teaches you to stop and observe, meditate, and learn yourself. Sure, we are capable of doing so much but if we slow down we could be capable of doing so much more. It teaches you to judge yourself before you judge others and not to really "judge" others but understand them. Take a walk in their shoes.

Understand their heart, soul, passion and help them become the best they can be. You cannot begin to help someone become their best if you have not understood yourself.

I think knowing, understanding, and becoming yourself may be the hardest part of being human. Knowing your weaknesses and coming to term with them. Accepting you are who you are and some may not like you but then you have to understand that you cannot make them like you or love you. There will always be someone out there that will not like you, and you have to be okay with that. We are all different and accepting that fact is crucial.

But maybe, all this intrinsic focus can be shown or displayed extrinsically. Letting people know you are you and becoming all that you can be is a good thing. Accepting others and let them accept you.

As I write these words it becomes more and more apparent that this process with not come easy. Having people analyze and accept me without any masks or facades will be hard. But I must be at peace with myself before I can be at peace with the world.

Passion

Passion, defined: any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.

So what does it mean? What is one person's passion for another's?

For me, passion is anything my heart swells for. Psychology, soccer, music, writing... but for others? It's inside all of us. Should we put our passions on display for others to see or hold them inside us close to our hearts? Writing is essential to me, part of me. It's how I express myself. What I cannot form with my lips and tongue I write down. I can "say" anything I want. My deepest inner thoughts and feelings manifest themselves through pen ink and paper. Should I scream them out or hold them near?

For others, guitar. What one cannot express freely through words comes out through bitter sweet melodies, notes, and symphonies.

For now, my heart is telling me to grow and blossom. Let others in to feel and share my joy and pain and in turn share theirs. Am I able? Am I passionate enough to take on the minds and hearts of others? Am I compelled by need and want to humble myself and better myself strong enough to take on the task of allowing everyone in? or Should I continue to bottle up the emotions that take over and choke me? Can I let my words that come so easily to paper be received by my mouth in a kind manner? or Should I just shut up like Tony says?

I strive, want, need to be a better person, but am I too strong in my ways to do that? Can I break from the path I've inhibited for so long to venture out on a new one? or Will life intervene and move me past my wants and hopes?

The most important things are the hardest things to say. That are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But, it's more than that isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like land marks to a treasure map your enemies would love to steal away. You may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the  worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

Thoughts:

I don't know what I'm looking for. Although, I hope I'll know if I find it along the way. Sometimes, I want to simplify my life into a single bare thing, and other times, I want to complicate it so thoroughly that everything I touch will become bound to me in some way.

What does it to to hope? Everything. Hope takes never ceasing to be amazed, wearing your soul on your sleeve, holding your breath, waiting to hear "I love you too," believing that tomorrow could be better than today, that you'll get a second chance, that you'll make a difference, that you'll finally be able to stand for something in your life.

The biggest challenge in life you'll find almost impossible to defeat, is that fact that you gave up on something you could have had. You quit before something could take place. You say you're going to change, but really you're still the same and no matter how much the truth may scare you, in one point in your life, you're going to have to overcome your fears.

College

why do we have to take these stupid core classes in college? It makes no sense. We took them in high school and middle school and elementary school. Well rounded students? That's the reason they give us. Shouldn't we be well enough if we can get into college? We have to have good grades and a high score on the SAT which is an accumulative assessment to test the skills we're ALREADY learned. So if that's good enough, why do we HAVE to take them again?

I'm learning the same material that I already KNOW so why LEARN it again? Waste our time and money to take American Government and Biology for the the billionth time. They have nothing to do with our majors! Why do I need to learn about cell division again and again and again.

It's monotonous. It's ridiculous. A waste. I really can't stand the institution of it. I feel it's pointless to take the same subjects I have already studied. Studying for tests that mean nothing and getting anxiety trying to keep my HOPE scholarship. I really cannot stand it.

September 4, 2012

He told the Angel Bitch, her actual name is Emily, but I'm continuing with Angel Bitch. She decided to stay with him and I should have seen this coming, but I got my hopes up when I shouldn't have.

I'm in the need if some inspiration. Something that will keep telling me it's okay, keep moving me forward. Because isn't that the kind of world we live in now anyway? A world where no matter what, you keep moving on? Even if you get the wind knocked out of you and you're on your hands and knees gasping for breath, it expects you to get right back up and keep striving onward. No, you can't take time to catch your breath, you must keep on.

Why can't we slow down for a while? Smell the roses? Enjoy this beautiful world we inhibit? We need to stop. Stop for just one day and look around. We're destroying our planet with our cars and energy sucking houses/buildings. Can't we just live like we did when we had none of this and enjoy the world or must we continue to corrupt this wonderful planet?

Progress. What does that word mean? Corruption? Destruction? or continue? up? better? maybe without that word, this world would be a better place.

But I, myself, must pick myself up again. Maybe after I catch my breath. I'll strive on at my own pace. Continue on at my own speed. Brushy myself off and walk and maybe one day learn to run again after I've been knocked down so many times. Can I get back up this time? Find my breath and place one foot in front of the other again? Learn to be by myself? to be alone? I can't remember. I have to teach myself not to smile when he does, not to swoon with his touch. I must learn to stay solid when he picks up his guitar and starts to sing. I cannot let him phase me. I must ignore the feelings I recieve when he graces us with his presence,

I will learn to not let him affect me. I am STRONG, stronger than anyone knows. I will not be phased by him. I WILL PUSH him from my mind and forget him or actually, forgive myself for falling for him knowing how everything would play out.

I will pick myself off the ground and progress forward. This meaning, I will better myself, help people, become the best I can be, love myself, become great, but humble. Speak less and listen more, be happy always and be unforgettable in all.

Empowered

I'm not a pathetic person. I'm being pathetic. I'm stronger than this. Much. So why am I not acting it? I need to get out of this funk. I can put this behind me. I'm a strong, powerful, intelligent woman. I need to act it. Can I? I so can.

I'm empowered to be stronger than ever before. Can I do this again? Become hard again? Not let anyone in again? I don't know if I can or even if I should. I shut everyone out for so long. It's not healthy. I cannot do that again. I just need to keep him out. Right? Can I do that?

But his smile lights up a room. It makes me smile. So how do I not smile? How do I shake it off? Act like I don't care. Can I do that? Put on a hard exterior but still be mush on the interior?

What am I thinking? I'm pouring my heart out on paper and honestly I need to pour it out to him. How do I do that? It's easy to talk to him, but not about my feelings, my heart, my soul. He's really one of the only nice guys I've fallen for and yet he's not available. Why do I do this to myself? He just makes me happy. So do I deny happiness and wallow in misery? But, misery loves company so, who will I bring with me?

Dallas

His smile makes me smile. I can't help but look at him. He's gorgeous in my eyes. He's funny and goofy. I catch him staring at me and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. I turn to mush whenever he's around. It's weird how much he affects me and on a regular basis.

He has these perfect dimples on his face and when he smiles he lights up a room. His eyes are a gorgeous green and his hair is soft, dark brown. He's warm and soft. Why does he affect me like so? He is sweet and easy to be around.

Shouldn't love be easy? It shouldn't be complicated. So why is it? I'm running in circles. Telling myself to love him and then not to. I'm doing this to myself. I'm torturing myself. Falling for a guy who is unavailable... I need to stop. To find someone new. But how I do I do that? How do I pretend to be interested in someone else when I'm completely smitten with someone else?

He's not mine. He's not. Can I honor that? I HAVE to. Am I able to? Am I strong enough? Can I prove it to myself? Can I admit it to him that I am really the one for him? I'm worth it. I know I am. Can't he just believe me? I'm perfect for him. I know I am. Can't he just see that? He belongs with me.

What is love?

How do you know when you're in love with someone? Is it when you melt because he plays the guitar? or is it when you get a tingling feeling in your stomach when he smiles at you? When you notice little things about him? or when you obsess over him?

His mannerisms are eccentric and his smile is blinding, his lips are soft and plump and his bottom lip just makes me want to bite it.

But then his girlfriend calls and his words "I love you too" strike at my heart. It hurts with a pain I've felt before. But that pain is heart break. So do I love him already? or is it true that if your crush last more than four months you're already in love with the person? How long has it been? It feels like and eternity. One full of sorrow. My cup is flowing over with grief and sadness. But also happiness that I can spend time with him. I like being around him. His presence makes me happy. Almost giddy.

And he picks up his guitar again and I try not to, but everyone knows I melt. Everyone but him. If he starts to sing. It's all over. I might just run over there and kiss him right now. Maybe I won't.

He's already in enough pain himself because of me. According to some I'm irresistible. But why can he resist me? Why can't he just give into me like I've already given into him.

My heart screams for something definite. Something tangible. I want so badly something or someone I can touch with my hands and feel in my heart but I want that someone to return my feelings.

I long for him, but does he long for me? I feel like my feelings are plastered all over my face and that my heart is on my sleeve. How do I stop this? How do I control my feelings? I can't. It's impossible. I guess I'll just have to wait. But how long? Forever? or just a little while longer?

I wish someone could answer my questions. But what does love even mean? What is it exactly? Can you really fall into it? or is it non-existent? Is it when two people know so much about each other, they're your best friend and you can't stand being away? or is it knowing nothing of each other and taking all your time to get to know them? or is neither the answer and it be something completely different?

Better?

I feel a little better. But there is still nothing but chaos in my mind. A jumbled heap of questions and comments of advice from my friends. They keep replaying over and over again in my mind and I can't seem to stop it.

How do I make this situation I'm in better? How do I begin to fix myself? Tony says I need to stop talking so much but talking and writing make me feel better. Why are feelings so complicated? So complex?

Why can't it just be, "I like you" and "I like you too" and be over with? Happily ever after? The end? Why do we complicate things with other people and hurt others? Can it not be simple for once?

I'm scared for him to come home. I want all these words that I've written to be completely true, but I won't know until I see his face. Can I handle being around him? or am I just lying to myself?

I need a person that is going to love me and I need to love them in return. Can I not have something as simple as that? or do I ALWAYS have to complicate things for myself?

I'm beginning to hate myself. Hate myself for always doing this. Why can't I ever like someone (that likes me back) that is available? Why can't I love him like he loves me? I always have to go about the complicated rout. How do I stop it?

Patience

I don't know how to put these words together, exactly. I'm trying to stay strong for you, you know. I don't want you to know that I cry. I only want you to know me as the girl who laughs and the girl who can make others laugh. I want you to know me at the girl who can help people. Not the girl who doesn't even know what's wrong with herself. I want you to see me as the girl who always smiles that smile. Not the girl who's insecure about her personality. I don't ever want to mess up around you, 'cause maybe then, you'll think I'm stupid. I mean, I know no one's perfect and I'm not trying to get that way, I just don't want you to see me as anything other.

Sometimes, I just takes patience for everything to happen. You don't get respect in just one day, you can't fall in love with someone you just met and you won't be able to forgive yourself in a second. I've learned that helping people is good, but helping someone too much won't let them grow. You grow by making mistakes, getting hurt, and learning from your regrets. Thoughts are there to help guide you to your decisions. It's you that has to take that first step into the pathway of happiness. It's your doing that makes you who you are. Don't assume; get your facts straight. That, is what messes a lot of people up. There's always the true story and reasoning behind everything. We are all different, but have one thing in common, we all want happiness. It's like we're all trying to fight for it, trying to get what we want and it makes us forget the whole reason we wanted it in the first place. No body said life is going to be easy; life is what you make of it. Change for the better.; don't change for someone else, change for yourself. Don't be selfish. Don't limit yourself from don't things just because you don't think you can make it through. Remember, time isn't going to wait for you, so make the best of it.

How?

How do I muster up the courage to leave this behind me? Can I leave this behind me? My feelings? My heart?

Is it true.. does the boy of whom I barely know and who knows nothing of me, already have my heart? I hope not. I pray not. I can't take the pain of heart break again. NOT AGAIN.

So how do I stop myself? How do I keep from liking him? He's roommates with two of my good friends. I'd do anything for them. Him too. So do I stay away? or do I stick around and push through it?

I am strong. I'm stronger than this. I'm stronger than anyone and everyone estimates. So how do I make it apparent? Do I throw on a tough exterior or do I put on a tough interior? Do I not let anyone in? or do I push everyone away to begin with?

No I can't do that to myself or anyone else. I just need to be intelligent with who I let in and who I don't. So, do I push him out completely or not at all? Is it possible to be in between? or is it just one or the either?

I feel liberated. Free of all this worry now that it's out for the world to see. But I do still need a good amount of questions answered. I think I can answer them myself I just need to listen to my heart and go with time at my side. Be humble and soft. Be a GREAT person first and a FANTASTIC friend second. I need to love me before I can begin to love anyone else and figure out what I need first before I can worry about the needs of someone else. Now, I can begin to be at peace with myself and the others around me.

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September 3, 2012

September 3, 2012
The statement "misery loves company" is true beyond belief. This miserable existence that I am moping through and have been for some time now and only become to be better when I'm with people. As I'm with those people though, I bring them down and I don't know how to make myself better, or them for that matter. I don't know how to bring about happiness in my life anymore.

I thought I could be happy with Alex; I couldn't. I thought I could be happy with Jake; I couldn't. I've recently become infatuated with Dallas and I'm killing myself because he's in a relationship. Some Angel Bitch...

I'm stuck in a miserable state of mind and I can't seem to get out. I'm seeking some form of therapy, running maybe? That hasn't happened yet and honestly, it probably won't. I'm entirely too lazy to muster up the strength to put on running clothes, lace up my tennis shoes, and place one foot in front of the other that is entirely too fast for my liking. Sure, I might clear my head, but that's because the only thing I can even begin to concentrate on is breathing and not falling over from muscle cramps, heat, or exhaustion.

So what about retail therapy? Tried that. I spent entirely way too much money on material objects that I truly DID NOT need. I made myself feel worse because of all the money I spent that I shouldn't have. I constantly feel I should return the shit I bought, but I know I won't, and my internal struggle carries on.

So why did I put myself in this position in the first place? Do I like pain? Do i like suffering? Getting hurt? I'm not sure.. But I  seem to be head over heals for a guy who is neither emotionally nor physically available. Yet, I still continue to chase him, to torment myself, to believe that one day we could be.

Then there's that word "could" it holds infinite possibility. Possibility for happiness, for sadness, for regret, for love, and the list continues. But, what if nothing happens? What if everything happens? That phrase "what-if" is just as bad, if not worse than "could".

If nothing happens, I would possibly be destroyed or maybe not because I have been preparing myself for the worst, or if everything happens, complete and utter joy? Or disbelief?

How do I pull myself from this fantasy land? Pull myself from this misery? Pull myself away from him? Is this more of a cry for help? Will anyone help me or do I have to learn and face this on my own?

So many questions.. and who's here to answer them? No one, no one but myself. My friends and family can only give me so much advice. But honestly, what you do with that advice is up to you. So in retrospect, it's up to me to get myself out of this funk. But can I? Can I do this alone?

My friends are tired of listening to my word vomit about him. Tired of watching me melt when he picks up the guitar and begins to play and sing. But his voice is like velvet and his eyes are beautiful and his hands are tough with calluses and his skin is soft to the touch. And there it is again, the word vomit I've been trying so hard to keep in. That mushy, gooey, shit that comes out whenever I open my mouth, or put pen to paper, or type out through my keyboard.

MAKE IT STOP! Keep me from continuously falling deeper and deeper into this pit of agony.